7.1.19

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III


I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA.  Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc.  Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film.  So.  Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark.  Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that?  Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV.  Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”.  We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator.  Also known as bad start.  Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.”  Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”.  Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming.  Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building.  It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people?  NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously.  And it does.  BOY DOES IT EVER.  The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE!  It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock:  Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets.  Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff.  Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much.  And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock:  It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares.  What a dull hunk of shit.  I think that was enough punishment for now.  Until next time.

6 comments:

  1. John Carpenter04:14

    Kev, The Asylum`s movies may be appalling and unwatchable but they`re still 1000 times better than anything the British film industry has ever produced, never forget that OK ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teddy Crescendo04:26

    Kev, i think an even better way to have restarted would have been to have published your 10 favourite pictures of Pauline Hickey (something you did actually promise to do a couple of years ago now ! ! !).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kev D.04:38

    Dont worry John you`ll never see anymore British made garbage reviewed on this site. And Teddy, i hear ya` pal, i`m still in the midst of preparing the Pauline Hickey extravaganza, soon you`ll see over 100 pictures of that amazing babe on this site, it`ll be truly astonishing ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
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  5. Kev D.18:06

    Thanks DFC SEO but why didn`t you say anything about Pauline Hickey ! ?, pictures of that amazing babe and her stunning tits from 1985 are what this site is going to be revolving wholly and exclusively around during the next few weeks, so tell me whether you agree that when the bird was 17 in 1985 the bird was indeed THE most incredible bird in the entire history of the universe ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  6. DFC SEO18:20

    Yes Kev i do completely agree, the birds tits are THE most unbelievable and perfect i`ve ever seen, the bird was truly amazing, no question about it. I`m really looking forward to seeing all those famous pictures of the bird on this site, it`ll be a real treat.

    ReplyDelete