7.1.19

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III


I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA.  Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc.  Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film.  So.  Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark.  Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that?  Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV.  Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”.  We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator.  Also known as bad start.  Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.”  Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”.  Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming.  Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building.  It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people?  NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously.  And it does.  BOY DOES IT EVER.  The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE!  It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock:  Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets.  Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff.  Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much.  And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock:  It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares.  What a dull hunk of shit.  I think that was enough punishment for now.  Until next time.

27 comments:

  1. John Carpenter04:14

    Kev, The Asylum`s movies may be appalling and unwatchable but they`re still 1000 times better than anything the British film industry has ever produced, never forget that OK ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teddy Crescendo04:26

    Kev, i think an even better way to have restarted would have been to have published your 10 favourite pictures of Pauline Hickey (something you did actually promise to do a couple of years ago now ! ! !).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kev D.04:38

    Dont worry John you`ll never see anymore British made garbage reviewed on this site. And Teddy, i hear ya` pal, i`m still in the midst of preparing the Pauline Hickey extravaganza, soon you`ll see over 100 pictures of that amazing babe on this site, it`ll be truly astonishing ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
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  5. Kev D.18:06

    Thanks DFC SEO but why didn`t you say anything about Pauline Hickey ! ?, pictures of that amazing babe and her stunning tits from 1985 are what this site is going to be revolving wholly and exclusively around during the next few weeks, so tell me whether you agree that when the bird was 17 in 1985 the bird was indeed THE most incredible bird in the entire history of the universe ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  6. DFC SEO18:20

    Yes Kev i do completely agree, the birds tits are THE most unbelievable and perfect i`ve ever seen, the bird was truly amazing, no question about it. I`m really looking forward to seeing all those famous pictures of the bird on this site, it`ll be a real treat.

    ReplyDelete
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  8. CHUCKY06:27

    "Give me the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, I BEG OF YOU ! ! !".

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kev D.06:31

    Nice one Chucky, i literally fell off my chair in uncontrollable fits of laughter when i read that, brilliant and absolutely hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The Spanish team coach06:25

    Rose Lavelle isn`t just a great player and goal scorer. The little darlin` also looks like a beautifully pale complextioned, sweet, charming, magical, fawn-like, fairy-like, pixie-like, elf-like, wuv-we, cuddly, fluffy wittle bunny wabbit (when shes not diving in the 18 yard-box when she hasn`t even been fouled to try to con the ref and the VAR into giving her an unfair PK of course!)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Kev D.06:29

    Ha ha, very funny, and admittedly true. But i still think her goal in the final was one of the best of the entire tourna-girl-t.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Keir Dullea17:39

    Dave: "Open pod-bay doors please Hal"

    Hal-9000: "I`m sorry Dave i cant do that because i`m too busy having my knob squashed between Pauline Hickeys incredible tits"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Rutger Hauer17:43

    I`ve seen things you people wouldn`t believe - like Pauline Hickeys tits.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Luke Skywalker17:45

    Obi-Wan, help me find the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, you`re my only hope.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Humphrey Bogart (on the set of Casablanca)17:49

    Of all the bars in all the towns in all the world i wish the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 would walk into mine. The world will always welcome massive knockers as time goes by.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lee Van Cleef17:53

    I wish i could`ve tit-fucked the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey in 1985, having my knob squashed between that amazing birds unbelievable knockers would`ve been THE greatest experience of my entire life ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Buzz Aldrin09:48

    The only possible experience greater and more memorable than landing on the moon would`ve been to have had my knob squashed between Pauline Hickeys astonishingly perfect 17 year-old tits in 1985.

    ReplyDelete
  18. James Coburn10:17

    Being the star of a classic like "Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid" was a great honour and i think the ONLY thing i would`ve exchanged the entire experience for would`ve been if could`ve somehow bombay-rolled (tit-fucked) the truly astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey in 1985, having my knob squashed between arguably the most unbelievably perfect pair of knockers of all-time and then unloading literally half-a-pint of spunk all over those amazing tits would`ve admittedly been infinitely better than anything that Sam Peckinpah ever had to offer.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Neil Armstrong10:24

    "I`m gonna` step off the lander now, because the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 is waiting for me." "THATS ONE UNBELIEVABLY PERFECT PAIR OF MASSIVE KNOCKERS THAT I INTEND TO TIT-FUCK NON-STOP 24 HOURS A DAY FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR".

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mission Control Houston10:26

    "You fucking lucky bastard".

    ReplyDelete
  21. Burt Lancaster14:13

    "I`m looking for Ike Clanton, anybody knows where he is they better tell me now"

    "Hes upstairs Wyatt, tit-fucking the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985"

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kirk Douglas14:20

    "I wonder what astonishing gift the Gods of Olympus will bestow onto me for helping them to restore the empire to its former glory?"

    "Spartacus, you will receive THE greatest prize in the entire history of the universe, the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, and you will have your knob squashed between her astoundingly perfect tits for all eternity!"

    ReplyDelete
  23. Nick Nolte (on the set of The Thin Red Line)18:05

    "Major, you dont have to question whether my orders are right or not from now on, we`ll assume it OK!. BTW, dont bother me anymore today because i`m gonna` be spending the rest of the evening tit-fucking the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985"

    ReplyDelete
  24. Humphrey Bogart18:10

    "In 1985 Pauline Hickeys tits were - THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF"

    ReplyDelete
  25. Alec Guinness18:13

    "Use the force Luke and you`ll be spunking all over Pauline Hickeys unbelievable tits for the next 10,000 years non-stop 24 hours a day ! ! !"

    ReplyDelete
  26. Edgar Allen Poe (reading from The Raven)18:17

    "Once upon a midnight dreary, while i pondered weak and weary, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. `Tis the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 i muttered, so i let the bird in and buggered and tit-fucked her senseless"

    ReplyDelete
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