7.1.19

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III


I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA.  Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc.  Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film.  So.  Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark.  Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that?  Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV.  Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”.  We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator.  Also known as bad start.  Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.”  Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”.  Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming.  Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building.  It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people?  NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously.  And it does.  BOY DOES IT EVER.  The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE!  It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock:  Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets.  Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff.  Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much.  And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock:  It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares.  What a dull hunk of shit.  I think that was enough punishment for now.  Until next time.

56 comments:

  1. John Carpenter04:14

    Kev, The Asylum`s movies may be appalling and unwatchable but they`re still 1000 times better than anything the British film industry has ever produced, never forget that OK ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teddy Crescendo04:26

    Kev, i think an even better way to have restarted would have been to have published your 10 favourite pictures of Pauline Hickey (something you did actually promise to do a couple of years ago now ! ! !).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kev D.04:38

    Dont worry John you`ll never see anymore British made garbage reviewed on this site. And Teddy, i hear ya` pal, i`m still in the midst of preparing the Pauline Hickey extravaganza, soon you`ll see over 100 pictures of that amazing babe on this site, it`ll be truly astonishing ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
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  5. Kev D.18:06

    Thanks DFC SEO but why didn`t you say anything about Pauline Hickey ! ?, pictures of that amazing babe and her stunning tits from 1985 are what this site is going to be revolving wholly and exclusively around during the next few weeks, so tell me whether you agree that when the bird was 17 in 1985 the bird was indeed THE most incredible bird in the entire history of the universe ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  6. DFC SEO18:20

    Yes Kev i do completely agree, the birds tits are THE most unbelievable and perfect i`ve ever seen, the bird was truly amazing, no question about it. I`m really looking forward to seeing all those famous pictures of the bird on this site, it`ll be a real treat.

    ReplyDelete
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  8. CHUCKY06:27

    "Give me the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, I BEG OF YOU ! ! !".

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kev D.06:31

    Nice one Chucky, i literally fell off my chair in uncontrollable fits of laughter when i read that, brilliant and absolutely hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The Spanish team coach06:25

    Rose Lavelle isn`t just a great player and goal scorer. The little darlin` also looks like a beautifully pale complextioned, sweet, charming, magical, fawn-like, fairy-like, pixie-like, elf-like, wuv-we, cuddly, fluffy wittle bunny wabbit (when shes not diving in the 18 yard-box when she hasn`t even been fouled to try to con the ref and the VAR into giving her an unfair PK of course!)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Kev D.06:29

    Ha ha, very funny, and admittedly true. But i still think her goal in the final was one of the best of the entire tourna-girl-t.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Keir Dullea17:39

    Dave: "Open pod-bay doors please Hal"

    Hal-9000: "I`m sorry Dave i cant do that because i`m too busy having my knob squashed between Pauline Hickeys incredible tits"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Rutger Hauer17:43

    I`ve seen things you people wouldn`t believe - like Pauline Hickeys tits.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Luke Skywalker17:45

    Obi-Wan, help me find the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, you`re my only hope.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Humphrey Bogart (on the set of Casablanca)17:49

    Of all the bars in all the towns in all the world i wish the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 would walk into mine. The world will always welcome massive knockers as time goes by.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lee Van Cleef17:53

    I wish i could`ve tit-fucked the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey in 1985, having my knob squashed between that amazing birds unbelievable knockers would`ve been THE greatest experience of my entire life ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Buzz Aldrin09:48

    The only possible experience greater and more memorable than landing on the moon would`ve been to have had my knob squashed between Pauline Hickeys astonishingly perfect 17 year-old tits in 1985.

    ReplyDelete
  18. James Coburn10:17

    Being the star of a classic like "Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid" was a great honour and i think the ONLY thing i would`ve exchanged the entire experience for would`ve been if could`ve somehow bombay-rolled (tit-fucked) the truly astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey in 1985, having my knob squashed between arguably the most unbelievably perfect pair of knockers of all-time and then unloading literally half-a-pint of spunk all over those amazing tits would`ve admittedly been infinitely better than anything that Sam Peckinpah ever had to offer.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Neil Armstrong10:24

    "I`m gonna` step off the lander now, because the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 is waiting for me." "THATS ONE UNBELIEVABLY PERFECT PAIR OF MASSIVE KNOCKERS THAT I INTEND TO TIT-FUCK NON-STOP 24 HOURS A DAY FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR".

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mission Control Houston10:26

    "You fucking lucky bastard".

    ReplyDelete
  21. Burt Lancaster14:13

    "I`m looking for Ike Clanton, anybody knows where he is they better tell me now"

    "Hes upstairs Wyatt, tit-fucking the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985"

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kirk Douglas14:20

    "I wonder what astonishing gift the Gods of Olympus will bestow onto me for helping them to restore the empire to its former glory?"

    "Spartacus, you will receive THE greatest prize in the entire history of the universe, the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, and you will have your knob squashed between her astoundingly perfect tits for all eternity!"

    ReplyDelete
  23. Nick Nolte (on the set of The Thin Red Line)18:05

    "Major, you dont have to question whether my orders are right or not from now on, we`ll assume it OK!. BTW, dont bother me anymore today because i`m gonna` be spending the rest of the evening tit-fucking the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985"

    ReplyDelete
  24. Humphrey Bogart18:10

    "In 1985 Pauline Hickeys tits were - THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF"

    ReplyDelete
  25. Alec Guinness18:13

    "Use the force Luke and you`ll be spunking all over Pauline Hickeys unbelievable tits for the next 10,000 years non-stop 24 hours a day ! ! !"

    ReplyDelete
  26. Edgar Allen Poe (reading from The Raven)18:17

    "Once upon a midnight dreary, while i pondered weak and weary, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. `Tis the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 i muttered, so i let the bird in and buggered and tit-fucked her senseless"

    ReplyDelete
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  28. Bruce Willis10:19

    Christmas for me has always been about the traditional things, a beautiful tree, coloured lights, tinsel, presents, food (in absurdly excessive amounts), booze (in ludicrously excessive amounts), the decorations, that wonderful warm magical Christmassy feeling that only occurs in the 6 weeks between late November and early January, family get-togethers, Christmas movies and music, the list goes on really. But i must admit that for a long time now the MOST magical thing that i experience and enjoy and look forward to at Christmas more than anything else is that every year on December the 25th at 9 in the morning my fairy godmother appears and allows me to travel back in time to 1985 so i can have my willy squashed and squeezed between the quite incredible 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys truly unbelievable tits for 5 hours non-stop and then unload literally half-a-pint of spunk all over those amazingly perfect knockers, i say 5 hours because my fairy godmother always stipulates that i have to return at 2 in the afternoon in time for Christmas dinner with my family otherwise i forfeit the yearly treat with the astonishing Miss Hickey. Christmas and tit-fucking the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey, its such an astoundingly perfect and irresistably joyous way to experience the Yuletide magic. Merry Christmas everyone, and think of me on Christmas morning/early afternoon having my knob squashed and squeezed between arguably THE most stunningly perfect tits of all-time, who knows it might make you feel magical as well (or murderously jealous of me of course, depending on you mood).

    ReplyDelete
  29. Donald Trump08:07

    I like those glory-hole videos where the birds guzzle down 15 wads of spunk out of 15 different choppers in 45 minutes, the great thing about them is that the geezers are almost totally anonymous (as they should be of course) so its like the bird is interacting with a completely disembodied dick there-by ensuring that nothing is gonna` spoil your wank. Hey, just imagine the amazing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey doing that, not only would it be fantastic to see the bird guzzle down half-a-gallon of spunk but a lot of the spunk would probably end up on those unbelievable tits (as it drizzled down onto them out of the sides of her gob!) and seeing that incredible bird with her astoundingly perfect tits drenched and dripping with the equivalent of 6 or 7 wads of spunk would`ve represented one of THE greatest masturbation-aids of all-time...COR...WOW...WEY-HEY...! ! !

    ReplyDelete
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  33. Bruce Willis03:38

    Have you seen that hilarious Santa/Trump oriented cartoon thats been doing the rounds on a lot of websites recently ?, in it Santa Claus is on the roof of a house with his reindeer preparing to descend down the chimney but on the other side of the building Donald Trump has climbed up a ladder and is saying to Santa: "While you`re in there take their food stamps", and then Santa says back to Trump: "Food stamps ! ! !, you must be joking Mr. President, this is the house where the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 lives and i fully intend to spend the entire night having my willy squashed and squeezed between her truly unbelievable tits and then unload literally half-a-pint of spunk all over them ! ! !", then in the background one of Santa's reindeer says: "Fucking lucky fat bastard, hes gonna` tit-fuck arguably THE most perfect tits of all-time while we`ll have to stand out here all night in the cold and snow like wankers ! ! !". When i saw it i dont think i`ve ever laughed so much in my entire life and its been hailed as a Christmas classic that people will be falling about laughing at for the next 100 years and beyond.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Diego Maradona03:39

    scoring that classic goal and lifting the World Cup Trophy in `86 were indeed marvelous and memorable, but if i`m being honest they still only represent and constitute the second greatest time in my life, the MOST incredible thing i ever experienced in my life (and perhaps will EVER experience!) occurred about a year earlier in `85, i was in Dublin in Ireland at exactly the same time (co-incidentally and luckily for me) that the truly amazing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey was there doing some stripping in night clubs so i went back stage to her dressing room at one of the night clubs after she`d finished her act (which was incredible for starters ! ! !) and told her that she drove me wild with lust and desire and that i desperately wanted to tit-fuck her astounding knockers. And then over the next few hours the bird proceeded to provide me with THE greatest and most incredible night of sexual pleasure i`ve ever had in my life, first i spent an hour having my knob squashed and squeezed between arguably the most unbelievably perfect tits of all-time and then i unloaded literally half-a-pint of spunk all over them, then i fucked her, buggered her, sodomized her, 69nd-her, and spunked all over her. Then it was back to those amazing tits for another hour of quite incredible tit-fucking, what a truly mind-blowing bird Pauline Hickey was and i will NEVER forget that amazing night of lust i spent with her in Dublin 34 years ago. And, like i said Kev, it will always be something that even out-ranks winning the World Cup with regards to the greatest and most memorable times of my life ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Jacob Marley03:41

    Bob Cratchit: "You did say i could have Christmas Day off Mr. Scrooge ! ?".

    Ebenezer Scrooge: "Oh, very well, but be in all the earlier the next morning ! ! !".

    Bob Cratchit: "But Mr. Scrooge, the next day is Boxing Day and i want that
    as well, you rotten old bastard ! ! !".

    ReplyDelete
  36. Tigger03:44

    "HU...HU...HU...Ohhhhh...The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things, they`re bouncy trouncy bouncy flouncy fun fun fun fun fun, but the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is i`mmmmm the only one ! ! !...HU...HU...HU..."

    ReplyDelete
  37. Winnie the Pooh (being rather naughty)03:44

    HU...HU...HU...Ohhhhh...The wonderful thing about Pauline Hickeys tits is Pauline Hickeys tits are wonderful things, they`re bouncy trouncy bouncy flouncy fun fun fun fun fun, but the most wonderful thing about Pauline Hickeys tits is that you can have your willy squashed and squeezed between them, and then spunk all over them ! ! !...HU...HU...HU..."

    ReplyDelete
  38. The Giver of the Law03:45

    Confutious, he say: "Man who has willy squashed and squeezed between incredible 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys unbelievable tits then unload half-pint of spunk all over them circa 1985 forever destined to become President of United States 31 years later in 2016 ! ! !". Confutious wrote that prophesy 3000 years ago, and now, as we all know, its actually come true ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  40. Donald Trump03:48

    In the remake of Black Christmas (2006) i liked the scene where the geezer was spying on the gorgeous bird taking a shower, that birds arse was unbelievable and such a classic masturbation-aid in the freeze frame mode ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Donald Trump03:49

    Pauline Hickey was 17 in 1985...WOW...the same year that film was made where that incredible bird showed her amazing arse on the highway, imagine having those two astonishing birds as your sex-slaves in 1985 ! ! !, it would be the ultimate tits and arse fantasy, you could alternate between buggering the bird with the unbelievably perfect arse for half-an-hour and then unloading literally half-a-pint of spunk up her bum, then over to the stunning Pauline for half-an-hour of incredible tit-fucking and then unloading literally half-a-pint of spunk over her astounding tits and perhaps pearl necklace the bird as well. Like i said, you could then alternate between the two birds for literally a year of non-stop bummin` one bird and tit-fucking the other ! ! !, it would be total perfection and quite amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Daniel Craig03:50

    "Being James Bond has brought me a lot of fame and money but theres still one thing i would gladly exchange it all for, i`d love to somehow travel back to 1985 and tit-fuck the truly amazing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey. Everything i`ve achieved in the last 15 or 20 years would still be nothing when compared to having my knob squashed and squeezed between THE most incredibly perfect tits of all-time and then unloading literally half-a-pint of spunk all over those astonishing knockers. 34 years ago that bird was THE most staggeringly unbelievable big-titted sex-pot i`ve ever seen. The bird was totally beyond belief in her unparalleled perfection ! ! !"

    ReplyDelete
  43. Leonardo DiCaprio03:53

    "I`ve shagged literally hundreds of the worlds most gorgeous birds (obviously) but i must admit i`ve NEVER seen anything quite like the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985, if i could`ve tit-fucked that bird 34 years ago my life would`ve been complete, the bird was mind-bogglingly incredible and totally astounding"

    ReplyDelete
  44. Tom Cruise (listening to a new recording)03:53

    "Your mission Ethan, should you choose to accept it (although in this case i think the second half of that classic phrase was totally unnecessary, if you get my drift ! ! !), is to have your knob squashed and squeezed between the incredible 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys unbelievably perfect tits for 6 hours non-stop and then unload literally 2 pints of spunk all over those those truly amazing knockers, good luck Ethan. By the way, this time the secretary definitely will not REPEAT NOT disavow any knowledge of your actions because he desperately wants to do exactly the same things to the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey as well ! ! !"

    THIS TAPE WILL NOT SELF-DESTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS BECAUSE IT WANTS TO TIT-FUCK PAULINE HICKEY

    ReplyDelete
  45. 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪03:55

    what kind of porn do you like ?, i prefer the Windows Vista Media Centre clips, the same 5 or 6 thrusts of the dick in and out of the birds bum over and over again or the same 5 or 6 squirts of spunk into the birds gob over and over again. Somehow i find it easier to concentrate, focus and jerk-off to those clips rather than watching the complete movies, perhaps because the clips essentially represent and constitute such beautifully encapsulated and perfectly modulated masturbation-aids par-excellence (as it were) where-as the complete movies are quite often much more erratic in their content both with regards to constantly changing camera angles and the type of scene on view at any given time during the 40 or 50 minute duration of the film. Also of course another major plus and vitally important bonus that you get with regards to the very best of the clips is that you never have to worry about a hideous and horrifying blokes arse suddenly coming into the shot and spoiling your wank.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Donald Trump03:55

    Heres a list of things i desperately want to do to the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985: I want to fuck her, bugger her, sodomize her, 69 her, spunk all over her, and of course...OF COURSE...tit-fuck the bird senseless. 34 years ago that birds tits were THE most staggeringly and mind-bogglingly unbelievable i`ve EVER seen, the bird was totally beyond belief.

    ReplyDelete
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