31.1.14

Mimesis: Night of the Living Dead.

This is the fourth film that Starkwell and Lovelock are watching that isn’t “Night of the Living Dead” that manages to have “Night of the Living Dead” worked into the title somehow.  None of them have been good yet, so I don’t expect this one to be.  This one is apparently about a group of horror fans who somehow end up in a recreation of the original film.  Yeah… I don’t know.

[...]

[Farmer in his farmhouse walks by an old TV playing a trailer for “Night of the Living Dead”.]

Starkwell: Soooo the film DOES exist in this universe, they’ve established that…

[Farmer goes upstairs and finds a bunch of zombies eating his wife.]

Lovelock: Wait… what?

[Opening credits are creepy, and show horror fans in costume at a horror con… in slow-mo.]

Lovelock: Cosplay IS fucking scary…

[Sid Haig speaks at the convention, playing himself (?)…]

Starkwell: Sid Haig is in this?  Hasn’t he been in like three or four of the movies that use the “Night” title in the title?

[So he’s not playing himself, I guess he’s playing a director guy.]

[...]

Main characters Russell and Duane get invited to some creepy party by a Goth girl.  Russell, the nerdy guy, is reluctant, whereas Duane, the black cool guy, wants to go and hook up with the Goth girl.  There has been some totally decent dialogue so far, much to everyone’s surprise.  Then they get to the party and there’s dancing and a horrible soundtrack that sounds like it was written by people who only listen to Rob Zombie.

[...]

[Duane passes out while peeing and a voice says “WAKE UP TIME TO PLAY” then it cuts to Russell passed out in a cemetery.  He wakes up next to a girl he met at the party.]

Starkwell: Wait, they’re dressed exactly like Barbara and her brother!

Lovelock: Wake up time to play?  What in the fuck was that?

[Russell is eaten.]

Lovelock: So… he isn’t a main character after all.

[Duane runs into Fake Barbara and joins her in the farmhouse.]

[...]

Duane goes and gets Russell, who is bleeding out, and brings him to the farmhouse.  They’re obviously straying a bit from the storyline, but Starkwell and Lovelock are definitely curious to see where this is going.  Who drugged everyone and dressed them up like the characters in the movie?  What are those things eating Russell?  And Starkwell just realized that Duane, who is basically Ben, is named after the actor who played Ben in the original.

[...]

[They meet a couple with kids and some young dude, hauled up in the basement.]

Starkwell: I’m nervous, because I really like this so far, and I’m wondering how they’re going to fuck it up.

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I feel like it’s around the corner.

Starkwell: Maybe it will involve Sid Haig.

Lovelock: I hope those are real zombies… somehow.

[...]

Duane fights a guy, who looks like the Crow armed with a pitchfork.  He kills him.  Then the bald guy with the daughter hot wires the truck and it explodes.

[...]

Starkwell: The soundtrack is distracting.  They should have gone much more subtle.

Lovelock: What’s with the zombie in clown makeup?

[...]

Anyways, the zombies are in the house now, and it’s all pretty by-the-numbers people surviving, and killing clowns with pitchforks.  They run across a dude in the house who tells them the truth, that there is a group of crazy dudes who like to re-enact horror movies.

[...]

[The dude is killed, tells them that there are six or seven of them.]

Lovelock: Wait, so the zombies are just people, or the crazy people behind this are able to turn people into zombies… or?

Starkwell: This might be the breaking point we spoke of earlier…

[The movie just jumped the shark for Lovelock.]

[...]

[So the zombies are actually just crazy people pretending.]

Starkwell: Wait, even when the zombies were stabbed in the back they just fell over and moaned… like zombies… that’s some serious dedication… and pain tolerance.

Lovelock: They suffer for their art.

[Suddenly they aren’t acting like zombies, they’re just going after Judith who just got thrown out of the house by Duane and Other Guy.]

Starkwell: Also, how did they tear that guy’s arm off… humans pretending to be zombies shouldn’t have super strength... yet somehow... ?

Lovelock: Also, how are they eating people raw and not vomiting.

[...]

[Sid Haig explains what MIMESIS is.]

Starkwell: Wait, they kidnapped Sid Haig too?

[Their plan is apparently to blame the whole thing on Sid Haig.]

Lovelock: I liked it better when we didn’t know what was going on.

[...]

Eventually some of the characters kill all the crazies.  There’s even a scene where Duane stabs a guy in the nuts.  Lovelock was hoping for REAL zombies, not dudes being zombies, but nonetheless, this is LEAPS and bounds above crap like “Night of the Living Dead 3D” or “Reanimation” or “Resurrection”.  As a remake, it is still well below Savini’s 1990 remake, but at least it does something interesting and original.  It gets a lot of points for that.  As a zombie movie, it is, well, not a zombie movie at all, really.  Oops.

[...]

Starkwell: Wait, why was the farmer's wife being eaten at the beginning?

28.1.14

Night of the Creeps.

Considering Fred Dekker wrote “House” and “Night of the Creeps” in the same year, and later went on to pen “The Monster Squad” the next year, it’s pretty strange and kind of heartbreaking that after such a strong start, he’s only been involved with a handful of other projects, one of which was the third “Robocop”.  Also “Ricochet” with Denzel Washington?  Bizarre.  Let’s let Lovelock and Starkwell enjoy his best known work.

[...]

[Chase scene involving naked alien midgets.]

Starkwell: For such an advanced species, with all the space travel and whatnot, you’d think they’d have pants.

Lovelock: I’m thinking nudity is the next evolutionary step.

Starkwell: No.  Wrong.  Please pt your pants back on.

[...]

The movie gets going pretty quickly, in black and white, in the fifties.  There is a story circulating about a psycho killer on the loose.  Two teens go to investigate something that flew down from the sky.  Something happens to Johnny when he finds the thing from the sky, and the psycho killer kills the girl.  Then we flash forward to the present day (a.k.a. 1986)… and let me tell you, the eighties are in full swing.  We are introduced to our team of nerds (the good guys) named J.C. and Chris.  Chris is “in love” with the girl, Cynthia, that he just saw for the first time ever.

[...]

[Chris decides that if they join a fraternity, he might have a chance with her.]

Starkwell: For nerds, they’re not very smart.

Lovelock: Good at math, dumb at girls.

[...]

The frat brothers ask them to steal a corpse.  They manage to get into a super secret lab where they have Johnny’s corpse cryogenically frozen.

[...]

[They thaw out dead Johnny.]

Lovelock: So, they’re not only able to get into a super secret lab, but they figure out how to thaw out the science experiment.

[...]

They discussed how dumb this was, for a while, but then we are introduced to Tom Atkins’ character and his “THRILL ME” tagline.  Lovelock stood up and said THRILL ME and did a roundhouse kick with a huge smile on his face. Zombie Johnny stumbles upon Cynthia’s sorority house and then his face splits open and a bunch of slugs shoot out of his body and slither away.

[...]

[All in the span of five seconds we get everyone’s last names… Cynthia Cronenberg, Chris Romero, James Carpenter Hooper, and Detective Landis…]

Starkwell: Five references just like that?

Lovelock: Makes me want to start over and see if we missed any.

[The janitor is named Miner, as in Steve Miner, as in the guy who directed “House” that Dekker wrote.]

[...]

Cynthia goes to find Chris and J.C. and tell them that she saw the dead body up and walking.  Meanwhile, the outbreak is in pretty full swing, and more dead bodies with exploded heads and slugs start cropping up.  Then J.C. gets SLUG POSSESSED.  Also, apparently Tom Atkins killed the psycho killer back in the fifties and buried him.

[...]

[Psycho Killer erupts from his burial through and old woman’s floor, still wielding his axe, and kills the old woman.]

Lovelock: That.  Was.  Awesome.

Starkwell: Admittedly, that is one of the strongest rise from the grave scenes I’ve seen in some time.

[Atkins goes to the old house, shoots the Zombie Psycho Axe killer in the head with a shotgun and his head explodes into slugs.]

Lovelock: I can’t help but wish for longer zombie content.

[They then show sorority girls showering and washing their boobs, getting ready for the formal.]

Starkwell: More boobs than zombies?  Pretty weak, if you ask me.

Lovelock: I wasn’t asking you.  Still, while I appreciate dem boobs… yeah, I wish the Axe Zombie had a longer run.

[...]

J.C. left Chris a message, detailing that he was possessed, that heat or fire seems to kill the slugs, and that he was heading to the furnace to incinerate himself.

[...]

[Chris finds dead J.C. with a bunch of charred slugs.]

Lovelock: Wait… he’s fucking dead?

[Lovelock cries.]

Starkwell: This movie just got real adult real fast.

Lovelock: I’d like it go back to juvenile, with zombies and boobies… I don’t want J.C. to be dead.

[...]

[Tom Atkins goes to get a flame thrower from the department.]

Starkwell: The cops have flame throwers?

Lovelock: There’s a dead dog walking around shooting slugs into peoples’ mouths.  I think we can buy a little policeman flame thrower.

[...]

Then Chris teams up with Atkins.  They find zombie Brad, shoot his head and flame throw the slugs as they explode out of his head.  It’s fucking amazing.  The sorority house is surrounded by zombies, and Chris, Cynthia and Atkins fight them off.  Atkins spouts out some SERIOUS one liners and Starkwell and Lovelock high five and then Lovelock does a spin dance move and then the splits.

[...]

[Chris kills a zombie with a lawnmower.]

Starkwell: And here I thought that “Dead Alive” did that first.

Lovelock: You learn something new every day.

[...]

Atkins finds the slug hive and blows the whole fucking place up, and sacrifices himself.  Following this, Lovelock let out a somber “thrill me” while bowing his head.  The movie ends with a burnt zombie falling over next to a cemetery exploding slugs towards the graves… and a huge spaceship surveying the are.

[...]

Lovelock: So… to be continued?

Starkwell: No one noticed that enormous spaceship?

Lovelock: The aliens were like, midgets… maybe the spaceship is really small.

Starkwell: You’re offensive.

[...]

Great movie.  Consider us all thrilled.

24.1.14

Zombie Diaries 2.

Apparently this happens after the first one, and they THOUGHT that they had the outbreak under control, BUT THEY DIDN’T. Shocker.  Anyways, found footage, first person view stuff has a tendency to get old fast, so we’ll see how long this one can go before it gets totally fucking stale.  I’m not entirely sure why there are two directors, but whatever.  It starts off with a very shaky hand held pointed mostly at the floor.

[...]

[Mother finds her daughter hiding in her room and gets caught by ZOMBIE HUSBAND/FATHER, the footage cuts...]

Starkwell: I know I’ve asked the question before, but who exactly is finding and editing these, you know, in the context of pretending that this is real?

[This film is set as a documentary about the world post-outbreak.]

Starkwell: So the documentary guy felt it was important to start off his doc with a shot of a family dying?

Lovelock: YOU’RE STYLE IS QUITE UNORTHODOX.  But effective.

Starkwell: Great line.  Criminally misused.

[...]

Anyways, then the military staff at the hospital that the camera is following witness Hell breaking loose at the hospital.  And everyone is getting eaten.  They escape… but not before they find and rescue a perfectly made-up blonde girl with a pretty haircut.

[...]

[Soldiers explore a dark room with a flashlight.]

Starkwell: I guess they only filmed at night?

Lovelock: Just fucking go to bed, and then explore in the sunlight.  What’s wrong with these people?

[...]

The soldiers continue to explore rooms with flashlights, guns, and the occasional night vision camera.

[...]

[They nightvision into a room full of zombies.]

Lovelock: Nightvision cliché aside, that shit looked cool.

[...]

The footage randomly cuts to other footage, like people being executed by people in HASMAT suits.

[...]

[They run in the snow with flashlights, and then one cut later and it’s daylight.]

Starkwell: Blondie certainly looks all put together for someone who just apparently spent the night in the snow with nothing more than a windbreaker and a light fire.

Lovelock: They’re like navy seals or something.

Starkwell: She isn’t.  Also… is the lead soldier guy wearing eye shadow?

[...]

Then the soldiers stumble upon a group of BAD DUDES who, I think, are raping a zombie?  There’s no real story at this point, it’s really just following soldiers as they try to survive.  Not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a touch played out, at this point.

[...]

Starkwell: He is DEFINITELY wearing eye shadow.

Lovelock: The guy filming… his name is JONESY.

Starkwell: It’s almost Muggsy.

Lovelock: Hopefully Eye Shadow’s name is like Spandau Ballet or something.

[Soldiers clear a huge field of zombies.]

Lovelock: At least they deliver on some of the goods.

[Jonesy and company sit around the camp fire talking about their lives… they are interrupted by the sounds of the rape gang from earlier, who seem like they are about to rape a non zombie.]

Starkwell: Why do they always need to go that route in these fucking movie?

[Soldiers SNIPE some of them.]

Lovelock: So they can DELIVER on that wicked punishment.

[In the frenzy two of the soldiers die.]

Starkwell: All of this and Blondie still looks like she just stepped out of the salon.

[...]

Then the soldiers end up in a dark and snowy cemetery.  Starkwell and Lovelock can’t help but notice that the days seem pretty short, but both agree that they pick totally awesome locations for staging fights with zombie hordes.  By-the-numbers stuff, but executed nicely enough.

[...]

[Rape Squad captures them and force one of the dudes to rape one of the girls.]

Starkwell: This shit was lame in the first movie, and it’s lame now.

Lovelock: More like “Zombie Diarrhea”… “POO”.

Starkwell: That doesn’t even make sense.

Lovelock: “Poo” instead of “two”.

Starkwell: No I know, but why?

Lovelock: Because this rape scene is le caca.

[The guy decides to cut her up with a knife instead.]

Starkwell: I’m starting to see your point.

[...]

Well, while two of the guys were busy playing rape-knife, the other soldiers somehow got free and killed Rape Squad.

[...]

[They head into a seemingly abandoned military base.  It’s dark.  They have flashlights.]

Starkwell: One flashlight shot, fine.  Two, okay… still not terrible.  But this is like the seventy fifth.

Lovelock: How do they keep the camera charged?  My camera dies after like an hour.

Starkwell: Lucky for them their flashlight batteries last forever.

[...]

[Eye Shadow is trying to make a signal on the beach, hoping that a boat will see them.  The other soldiers abandon him.]

Starkwell: Geez… at least give him a flashlight…

[Eventually they all die, Jonesy turns the camera around, goes all “selfie” and blows his brains out.]

Lovelock: If only that was how all selfies would end.

[...]

I guess the boat came after all, since the twist at the end was that Eye Shadow was one of the guys in HASMAT suits executing people.  So, I guess the boat came after all.  Honestly, it wasn’t a absolutely terrible movie.  It ticked a lot of boxes, was a vast improvement on the first film… and yet… Starkwell and Lovelock frequently found themselves bored.

21.1.14

Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead.

From the land of films like “Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead” and “Big Tits Zombie” comes a film with, arguably, the dumbest title to appear on Zombie Hall thus far (although “Retardead” might forever be the official selection for worst title)… “Zombie Ass” alone wasn’t enough.  They had to throw in “Toilet of the Dead”.  I feel like the film makers are already telling us a lot about the movie and where it belongs with a title like that.  But we’ll see, I supposed.   The film opens with a scientist making a zombie vomit shit into the mouth of his daughter.

[...]

[Opening credits feature dancing girls in hot pants and close-ups of ass.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is he making her eat shit?

[Flashback to earlier in her life, where main character Megumi watches a bunch of mean girls bully her sister, and ask her to eat shit.]

Lovelock: So this is the worst thing ever?

[...]

The next scene featured a guy taking medicine and projectile vomiting everywhere on the side of the road.  It looks like Starkwell is already quite close to leaving.  I’ll be honest, the production value is way above what I think we were all expecting.

[...]

[A model with huge boobs is trying to find parasites in a river, to eat them, to stay thin.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is Megumi with these people?

Lovelock: Why on Earth would she be wearing her schoolgirl outfit when she isn’t at school?

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[Then they are camping and Booby Girl makes out with the group’s leader.  Megumi hangs out by the river practicing slow Karate.]

Lovelock: Of course.

[Boobly Girl eats a worm that they pull out of a fish from the river.]

Starkwell: Why on Earth would anyone think that would work?

Lovelock: This ain’t Earth.  It’s Japan.

[...]

Then a zombie runs into them and bites off Leader Guy finger and then somehow their van is stolen, so they’re stuck in the woods.  They are all freaking out, except Megumi.  She steps up and is all KARATE TOUGH.  Then Booby Girl starts feeling sick and she walks away slowly towards the outhouse, farting many many times.  Starkwell leaves right around the time she takes her pants off and squats in front of the camera, farting and talking about how she is about to have the worst runs in her life.  Seriously, they focus on her squatting ass farting for like a minute or two.  When she isn’t farting, she’s moaning.  When they aren’t showing her ass, it’s a close-up on her boobs.

[...]

[A zombie hand emerges from the outhouse shit hole, and grabs her ass.]

Lovelock: Wha…

[She farts yellow smoke on the zombie, then he comes out of the shithole and starts ripping her dress off…]

Lovelock: …

[A bunch of shit covered zombies emerge from the nearby woods/house and chase them.]

Lovelock: Okayyyy…

[Booby Girl is unable to run with them, instead she falls down on all fours, with her bare ass still hanging out, and farts a HUGE cloud of yellow smoke that turns into a demon face momentarily.]

Lovelock: DA FUCK.

[One zombie starts shitting from his mouth, then a creature comes out of Booby Girl’s ass. Oh yeah, Booby Girl is dead.]

Lovelock: Oatmeal was a bad choice for a snack while watching this movie.

[Oatmeal is probably a bad choice for any zombie movie, really.  Why on Earth would you eat oatmeal while watching a zombie movie?]

Lovelock: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[...]

They end up in a cabin with a crazy old man with a shotgun, who immediately blows his own head off.  The zombies seem to ooze shit.  It’s gross.  But the soundtrack is actually really cool.  They start fighting the zombie horde, and the effects are TERRIBLE.  Anyways, it seems like the zombies all have those weird wormy demon things living inside of them, so clearly the worms from the river are causing the outbreak.  Then they are saved by the doctor from the opening scene.

[...]

Lovelock: Again, why on Earth would that other girl also be dressed in her schoolgirl outfit when NOT in school?

[Answer: Because, Japan.]

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

Lovelock: You're back!

Starkwell: Nope.  I left my book in here.  Looks like it got even worse since I left.  See ya.

[...]

Then Leader Guy’s bitten finger catches up with him and his head blows up.  Gore and effect wise, it’s the highlight so far.  Then, obviously, the girl who is showering to wash the blood off asks Megumi to join her in the shower.  And Obviously, Megumi does join her.  But not before they show her stripping for like an hour.

[...]

[Cut back to the earlier flashback, which ended with Megumi’s sister running and jumping off the roof.]

Lovelock: So wait, she’s thinking about that while the other girl is grabbing her ass?

[...]

[Then scientist guy gives his daughter a boiling hot enema and she poops out a four foot long worm, that he collects in a bedpan.]

Lovelock: At least put some fucking gloves on, shit dude.

[...]

So it turns out the scientist is behind the whole thing, he is helping the parasites take over the village people.  Not "The Village People", but the people of the village nearby.  They knock him out and try to escape, but they are clearly all infected.  Megumi is going after the medicine while the two remaining survivors of the gang fight zombies, who now walk around bent over, ass forward with a wormhead coming out of their asshole, and farting CONSTANTLY.

[...]

[Booby Girl is back, the worm coming out of her ass wraps around the other girl in the group, and starts pulling her clothes off… and raping her?]

Lovelock: I held on a while, but honestly, shit-monster tentacle rape softcore porn?  I’m out.

[...]

That scene went on for a really long time.  Booby Girl eventually turns into a giant Fly Monster and goes after Megumi who, ultimately, saves the day.  But not before her shirt gets ripped and her boob is showing for the whole final fight scene, which involves her using farts like a jet pack and flying through the air to fight the Fly Monster eventually shoving a syringe up the monster's ass.  Also there’s more tentacle raping.  This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

18.1.14

Zombie Massacre.

It was only a matter of time before Starkwell and Lovelock would be subjected to another Uwe Boll film.  “House of the Dead” may indeed have left a horrible sour taste in their mouth, but I’m sure it may end up looking like Academy Award material in comparison to some of his more recent work.  I’ve seen “Blubberella”, and if this is anything like that film, Starkwell and Lovelock may only last a few minutes.

[...]

[Zombie outbreak is in full swing.  Zombies are rabid-style and have melty skin like Darkman.]

Starkwell: Well, the production looks to be a step up from “Blubberella”.

Lovelock: Not exactly a high bar, son.

Starkwell: It’s Uwe Boll.  The bar is basically underground.

Lovelock: The tagline is right.  There IS no hope.

[...]

As the credits roll, it becomes evident that Netflix lied to us, and that the film is merely produced by Boll, but actually written and directed by two other fellows.  There was much rejoicing in the room upon this realization, and I believe Starkwell said the bar just emerged from the ground.  Apparently the film also goes by “Apocalypse Z”, cementing that this is a mockbuster of sorts, trying to cash in on “World War Z” and the current zombie fad.  These are all tell-tale signs that the movie Starkwell and Lovelock are about to watch is really bad.

[...]

[American politicians put together a super team to fight zombies.]

Starkwell: America’s Secretary of Defense is British?

Lovelock: They certainly gave him a shitty office.

Starkwell: Shot on location in the director's basement.

[...]

There was a horribly long conversation about eating and sex involving some soldiers.  It was the worst.  Ten minutes later, and they’re still just talking.  Not much in the way of zombies or massacres for a movie called “Zombie Massacre”.

[...]

Lovelock: It should be called “English Language Massacre”.

[...]

[Uwe Boll plays the President.  Of the United States.  Of America.]

Lovelock: Did he just say “Or I push ze red button?”  What the…

Starkwell: They clearly have SOME American actors in the film, why did they need to cast people with thick accents as American Politicians?

Lovelock: Casting by Uwe Boll?

Starkwell: "I give you ze money, but you make me play ze President.  OF ZE WORLD."

[...]

Anyways, the zombie kill squad goes around killing zombies and trying to save the world, I think.  Everything is very by-the-numbers, but it’s not even done with any style or panache.  There is also quite a bit of needless “slow-mo”.

[...]

Starkwell: If they just put the slow-mo in regular speed, we’d probably get ten minutes of our life back.

Lovelock: If we push the button for fast forward, we might be in luck as well.

Starkwell: That or 'stop'.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would the sword wielding red-head be dressed like that?

Starkwell: Why would there be a redhead with sword skills?

Lovelock: In a world with Uwe Boll as POTUS, anything is possible, I guess.

Starkwell: And why is her hair like that?  Oh man, I hate this movie.

[...]

It’s the type of film where before killing a zombie, someone will say “hey baby, where have you been all my life”… which really makes absolutely no sense.  Think about it.  Think about how much that line makes no sense and sucks.

[...]

[Redhead does a kill!]

Lovelock: Slowest swordplay ever.

Starkwell: At least they left it in regular speed.

[...]

Then the group finds the daughter of the doctor who developed the weapon that created the zombies in the first place and its all like “yeah, let’s do this” or something.  Fuck I hate this movie.

[...]

Lovelock: As bad as this is, it’s still much better than an ACTUAL Uwe Boll film.

Starkwell: His involvement must have been fairly minimal, especially since there haven’t been boobies at every turn.

[...]

[The American military hold the main good guy’s daughter hostage.]

Lovelock: So, the American military are evil?

Starkwell: Who knows… this guy is British anyways.

Lovelock: Yeah… I’m lost.

Starkwell: Might have to do with the fact that you fast-forwarded through the last half hour.

Lovelock: I think I’d be lost either way.

[...]

[Super Mutant Zombie (aka guy in a rubber suit) attacks!!!]

Lovelock: I guess rubber suit is better than bad CGI.  So this movie gets a point for that.

Starkwell: So, that puts it at… one point.

[...]

Then there was a scene with slower than the swordplay martial art fighting and Lovelock and Starkwell started laughing really hard.

[...]

Starkwell: Did that guy say “let’s do this Alabama style”?  What does that even mean?

Lovelock: I’m not sure, but I’m certain that the film makers are even less sure.

[...]

The film ends with a scene featuring two topless girls swimming in a pool and suddenly becoming zombies and attacking people.  They have big ol’ honking implants, and we all feel that this must have been Uwe Boll’s input.

[...]

Lovelock: “Zis is not bad, but perzhaps zyou can putz some boobies into ze last scene?”

Starkwell: Nailed it.

13.1.14

Zombie Hunter.

Yet another one of these faux grindhouse films, thrown together and probably full of BADITUDE.  Well, at least this one isn’t produced by “The Asylum” so there’s at least some hope there.  The film opens up with stoners watching a news broadcast where the news anchor pukes all over the place and it looks super fake.

[...]

[Dude screws his friend’s girlfriend who is dressed as a cheerleader, obviously.  But then while humping he turns into a zombie and eats her.]

Lovelock: Hey, at least they’re not wasting any time…

Starkwell: You always say that at the beginnings of these types of movies, and it NEVER makes me feel any better.  Also, the films almost always end up being bad.

Lovelock: I’m just trying to stay positive.

[In the end, there is absolutely no reason for the opening scene, other than to establish that there is an outbreak.]

[...]

The zombies look pretty terrible.  We are apparently following some guy in a Trans Am going around everywhere wearing sunglasses and leather and saying stupid fucking one liners.  The narration / dialogue / script sounds like it was written by a fourteen year old who just watched “Resident Evil”, Steven Seagal movies and probably cartoons.  And the soundtrack sounds like it’s a bunch of bands that listen to late nineties “alt rock” exclusively.  It sucks.

[...]

Lovelock: Trejo was pretty prominent on the cover and yet, nowhere to be found.

Starkwell: The cover makes us think “Trejo is the Zombie Hunter”, when in reality, it’s this fucking guy?

[...]

[After he gets shot, he wakes up with a girl, named Fast Lane Debbie, straddling him.]

Starkwell: Why does the apocalypse make people change their names to dumb shit like ‘Cooterball’, ‘Fast Lane Debbie’, ‘Buzz’ or ‘Meat’?

Lovelock: ‘Cooterball’?

[...]

They introduce Trejo now, and his name is Jesus.  Then there’s a pink and grainy montage of Trejo killing zombies with an axe.  It’s actually even a little lamer than it sounds.  We just hit the half-hour mark, and we’ve seen little more than a guy basically doing an awful ‘Kurt Russell as Snake’ impersonation.

[...]

Lovelock: For a movie called “Zombie Hunter” there ain’t many zombies, and there certainly ain’t any hunting.

[Then we randomly get a glimpse of a super zombie that looks like the mutant zombies in “Resident Evil”, except without the budget to make it not look like something in a local furniture store commercial.]

Starkwell: This movie really sucks.

[...]

Then for whatever reason, Fast Lane Debbie comes out into the lounge and does a pole dance for like five minutes.  But the main character isn’t interested!  He wants the nerdy good girl!   So then he and nerdy good girl go and screw.  This scene also lasts like five minutes.

[...]

[Zombies overrun their little camp, Trejo dies, the rest get away.]

Starkwell: So they basically were able to afford having Trejo for like a day or two of shooting?

Lovelock: If that.

Starkwell: But then yeah, let's put him front and center on the cover...

[Shitty Movie-Making 101: If you have a semi-known actor in your movie for ten minutes of screen time, put him on the cover and ONLY HIM.]

[...]

[The gang sees something gross and all puke.  They show them puking.  They show the puke.  Close-up.  This lasts a couple of minutes.]

Starkwell: ANNNNNNNNNNNnnnnd I’m out.

[...]

[Main character sees blood on the ground.]

Lovelock: I feel like they used Pepto-Bismol for blood.

[That would be pretty expensive.  They’d have been better off using ketchup.]

[...]

[They find a plane, but before takeoff the pilot is grabbed and eaten.]

Lovelock: So, the other two are just watching him being eaten?  Fucking do something.  GOD this movie sucks.

[...]

Lovelock held on until the end, but I saw him falling asleep here and there.  And he made fun of the super zombie every time it was on the screen.  To the film’s credit, they never resorted to showing boobies to try to fill the seats, something most of these movies tend to do ALL THE TIME.  On the flip side, by the end, Lovelock was all “what a shitty movie, the least they could have done was show me some boobies”.  Oh well.

9.1.14

Chanbara Beauty: The Movie - Vortex.

If I read correctly, this film is going to be exactly what you think it is: girls in schoolgirl outfits that look underage fighting zombies with swords.  They may or may not get naked at one point!  If it’s like that horrible one about the girls swim team, they might even do sex on other girls!  I think this may even be the second film in a series, but I don't know.  The film opens up with a short narration about why there are zombies then goes full on into a half naked girl twirling around with a sword fighting zombies.  Starkwell already left, saying “I know this will offer me nothing.”  As he walked away Lovelock replied “it will probably offer boobies though.

[...]

[Ninety minutes of girls in bikinis and schoolgirl outfits fighting zombies.]

Lovelock: Well, the movie certainly isn’t pretending to be anything more than it is.

[There is SOME back story thrown in, and the occasional conversation between the half nakeds about what they need to do next.  And eventually they meet other half nakeds along the way…]

[...]

The end.  Zack Snyder fans must love this one.  Also, fourteen year old boys.  Did I mention that the bikini girl wears a cowboy hat and boots and has a feathery scarf on?  Exactly.  Plus, why is the title "The Movie DASH Vortex"?

5.1.14

FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies Vol. II - Still a Mixed Bag.

Thus far, Starkwell and Lovelock have been none too impressed with cartoon zombies.  I don’t mean the zombies in “I Am Legend” (burn), but rather, what I mean is zombie films that are entirely animated.  It’s no secret that their tendency is to prefer old campy sludgy special effects, and old campy sloppy movies… so cartoons are a tough sell.  Let’s see how these ones do against them…

[...]

[ Blade of the Phantom Master (2004) ]

The “Resident Evil” animated films also hailed from Japan, so just because it’s all ANIME and JAPAN and shit, doesn’t make it an obvious cool choice.  This director eventually went on to direct “Animal Crossing: The Movie”… so I don’t know what that means…

[...]

[The narrator explains the story in Japanese.  The subtitles are… in Japanese?]

Starkwell: Is this a joke?

Lovelock: Well, at least I don’t need to even try reading and can just make up my own story…

[Once the dialogue starts, there are English subtitles for that.]

[...]

[Main character meets a guy while walking through the desert… this guy has a pet bat who looks all cute.]

Starkwell: Of course.

[...]

The cartoon moves pretty quickly, not sure what direction it is going in… we’ve seen the main guy fight and kill a bunch of man-eating desert lizard people.  So that was cool.  His desert friend is dead, but of course, the cute little bat survived.  From what we can gather, he is now going to go save the fiancĂ©e of the dude he just exploded to save his own ass from the cannibals.  I think he figths an evil emperor and goes to Hell?  I don’t know.  There is some fairly cool zombie content, they look decomposing, gross and awesome… and the whole thing is nicely put together.  Starkwell and Lovelock seemed pleasantly surprised over all.  Still though, fairly bored at times.

[...]

[ El Santos vs. La Tetona Mendoza (2012) ]

This will definitely be their first Mexican cartoon, but not their first shot at El Santos.  The live action version from the sixties had them cheering at times, so let’s see if a cartoon can get any of that positive reaction.

[...]

[El Santos smokes a joint and travels to a land of chocolate, tits and naked titty ladies squezzing their tits.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Did WE smoke the joint?

[A green guy wearing sunglasses pulls a rabbit out of a hat/vagina of a naked woman laying on the ground.]

Starkwell: This is as good a time as any for me to take a break.

[...]

Shortly thereafter there was a song about how wonderful peyote is.  And they talked a lot about El Santos ex-girlfriend who has huge boobs.  Then El Santos gets on this whole thing where he says zombies in Mexico are not treated fairly, so they put together a “We Are The World” type of video about helping Mexico’s zombie population.  Lovelock is seriously amazed.  This cartoon is fucked up.  But at times, pretty funny.  And it has some decent zombie content, though more comical than anything else.

[...]

[Final scene involves El Santos talking to an orange and pushing out a massive dump in a bathroom with booby-themed wallpaper.]

Lovelock: Euuuh…

[They show his hairy asshole opening up, and he poops out a joint that he then smokes with Booby Girl, and then they get married.]

Lovelock: So, it’s saying that weed is the solution to all of life’s problems?

[Insane.]

[...]

[ Monsters Vs. Aliens: Night Of the Living Carrots (2011) ]

This is from “Dreamworks Spooky Stories: Volume 2”.  It’s a ten minute long short, so it shouldn’t take long at least.  It is from Dreamworks, so it should at the very least have some decent production value, like “Kung-Fu Panda Christmas”… right?

[...]

[Zombie carrots rise from the ground and go after people… carrots bit people, people become zombies.]

Starkwell: Nice!

[The monsters are stuck in their house, surrounded by zombies and zombie carrots.]

Lovelock: See, now THESE people know what they are doing.

[The short film is short, but is a lot of fun, and manages to get more pleasure out of Lovelock and Starkwell in its short runtime than a lot of films, especially cartoons, do in full ninety minute runtimes.]

[...]

[ Help Me Daddy, I’m a Zombie (2011) ]

Ok, well, onto Spain and a really cheap computer animated feature that promises o dazzle, bore, horrify and bore.  It’s the story of a non-conformist teenage girl who dies and comes back as a zombie.  She tries to get back to her old life with the help of her undead friends, but its all like DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP.

[...]

Starkwell: It’s only when you see a cheap cartoon that you realize how much better the big productions look.

Lovelock: Oh boy, this is gonna be a long one.

[Eighty minutes of this?  Sheesh.]

[...]

Anyways, eventually in her rebellion against her divorced parents she runs into a tree and dies and rises in the cemetery.  The animation isn’t QUITE as bad as Starkwell made it sound.

[...]

[According to this film, water, sunlight OR fire destroys a zombie.]

Starkwell: That would make the zombie apocalypse a Hell of a lot more manageable.

Lovelock: "It looked like the world would end.  Then it rained."

[...]

Anyways, she helps destroy evil and whatnot and ends up being returned back to life, but like, for real life, not zombie style.  Also, it may have all just been a dream.  Forgettable, and truly abysmal if compared to other full length kids features like “Paranorman”.

[...]

[ The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror III: Dial ‘Z’ for Zombies (1992) ]

I figured it was good to end them on a high note.  They had a rip-roaring good time watching this episode, and then ended up watching half of Season 4, just for fun.  In the world of cartoons, whether we’re talking about films or television, The Simpsons really have done it all, and they’ve done it all so damn well.

[...]

Lovelock: “He was a zombie?”  BAHAHAHAHA!