People like to crap all over the second Romero dead trilogy, but I honestly thought “Land of the Dead” was good. There’s something comforting about a zombie film made by Romero. It’s like listening to an old favorite band that is sort of phoning it in, but I mean, come on, they’re still fun. Unfortunately, this usually is the beginning of the end for a band/director, and eventually they start sounding/looking like the people originally imitating them. Like when Weezer starts sounding like a Weezer cover band. Or when Romero makes “Diary of the Dead”, basically. But at least at that point they haven’t totally gone off the fucking deep end, hit rock bottom, and made “Survival of the Dead”. I'll save that complete fucking turd for another day… of the dead.
[Intro, FOUND FOOTAGE style.]
Starkwell: Proof that even the greats succumb to shitty fads.
Lovelock: So Romero saw "REC" and was like, hey didn’t I kind of make that? No? Okay, maybe I should?
[The acting looks like, well, it won’t be very good.]
Starkwell: “Land” had a decent cast, I guess this one… doesn’t?
Now we get the intro of the “FILM WITHIN A FILM” called “The Death of a Dream”… Basically people were making horror film, and eventually zombies rolled in, and so they kept rolling. AND THEN some annoying girl took all of this footage and edited together this “Death of a Dream” movie… about the outbreak. So I guess the zombie outbreak ended and she had time to edit this, narrate it, add music and… show it to all of us? I don’t get it.
[FIRST PERSON VIEW going through dark and scary empty dorms.]
Starkwell: Definitely has a video game kind of feel.
Lovelock: Complete with “First Resident Evil's live action scenes” level of acting and dialogue.
Starkwell: So who's the master of unlocking?
Then the main girl Deb says she wants to go home to Scranton, Pennsylvania. Then, rather than listening to the shit dialogue, Starkwell and Lovelock started talking about “The Office”. The ‘gang’ are driving in some sort of RV. They see their first zombies and run them over, pretty nonchalantly. Then, after, they all freak out?
[They pull over, and the girl that was driving blows her own brains out.]
Starkwell: That seemed a bit… sudden. Kind of an overreaction...
Lovelock: I don’t think ANYONE would react that severely, even if they were real people.
[They go to a hospital, because she still has a pulse.]
Lovelock: She can't drive, OR blow her own brains out?
Starkwell: So what they were driving along the highway and they just happened to be right next to a hospital, right as the driver shot herself in the face?
Lovelock: SWISS CHEESE PLOT.
Starkwell and Lovelock are really having problems with this one. On the bright side, the zombies look great (one thing Romero always gets right), and there are some decent scares her in the hospital. There are some CG effects in the mix and they aren’t great, though.
Starkwell: HOLY BALLS THE DIALOG IS BAD.
Romero is clearly trying to make a point that in this age of information, too many people are filming, there are eyes everywhere, no one is living, people want to see life filtered through a camera, through TV, and through BLABLABLA… to be honest he is FULLY beating his point to DEATH, unnecessarily so, and on top of that, it feels like he is trying to say more than one thing (?). He could have focused more on action and building characters and been more subtle about his point(s). We are the walking dead, yeah I get it.
[They meet a deaf Amish farmer and use his barn to fix their RV.]
Lovelock: Good thing the Dumb Blonde knows how to fix the… fuel line?
Starkwell: This is some gang they’ve put together.
[Zombies close in on them.]
Lovelock: He’s not doing a very good job at building tension. I honestly don’t feel worried at all.
Starkwell: To be fair, that’s mostly because you don’t give a shit about the characters.
Then the Amish guy dies almost immediately, making him as pointless as all of the rest of the characters in this movie. Then they meet some black dudes… ‘gangstas’ I guess. THEN THEY SHOW MAIN CHARACTER JASON and THE NERD GUY EDITING THE MOVIE. Scenes we’ve already seen. The movie within the movie within the movie within the movie? I don’t know how many levels down we’re diving. But I’m pretty sure we’re swimming in the deep end. Of a pool of shit.
[Zombie takes a bottle of hydrochloric acid to the head and it slowly melts.]
Lovelock: Probably sounded better on paper. Because fucknuts that looked bad.
Really just feels like a movie written by an old out of touch guy. I guess it was. And by the way, the old professor in the gang has a fucking bow and arrow now. The gang now goes to their rich friend’s house, but he’s gone crazy after killing his whole family after they done gone zombie. It’s a super long and dragged out scene that doesn’t really go anywhere until he goes zombie too.
[Main character films zombie running after Blondie, and, doesn’t help her.]
Starkwell: This movie is dumb.
Lovelock: At least we got to see dem boobies.
Anyways, the main character dies and the movie ends, after some more cheesy dialog asking whether we, as a species, are worth saving. Ugh. I'm surprised that Lovelock didn't say "diarrhea the dead' at some point... Seems like a missed opportunity.