23.9.14

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.

The Asylum” seems to have a roster of “directors” that it gets to churn out shitty mockbusters and half-assed B Movies on a regular basis.  This is this director’s, if I read correctly, second time out for “The Asylum”.  The movie opens up immediately with a zombie terrorizing some kind of college house party.  Within LESS THAN TEN SECONDS, we get full frontal and backal female nudity.  Blonde and Asian bush, attacking a zombie with a dildo while talking about their sex score in the most recent issue of Cosmo.  Real classy, and enough to make Starkwell say “nope” immediately and make Lovelock go it alone.

[...]

[After the zombie rampage is over, it cuts and says “28 Days Earlier”.]

Lovelock: Oh man, it’s a real good thing Starkwell wasn’t here to see that.  Or… the rest of this.  I feel like he would he would have punched the TV about seven times.

[Then there was a cat named Romero and Lovelock fucking screamed.]

[...]

There was a “nerdy” girl main character introduced.  Everyone is the worst actor I’ve ever seen.  It’s hard to really tell though how they are at acting since most of what the female characters have done is shake their tits and talk about blowjobs or something.  Then the nerd girl shows her tits to two nerd guys.  Then she meets a zombie?  I suppose they’re making fun of “Warm Bodies” but seriously this movie sucks.  It basically looks and feels like those Porn Parodies, except without the actual Porn.

[...]

[Nerd Girl gets the nerd fraternity to accept zombie guy into their fraternity so she can be dating a fraternity guy… the zombie.]

Lovelock: So… Also “Revenge of the Nerds”.  What is this fucking music?  Nope.  NO.

[...]

Sometime after the fraternity hazing / zombie and nerd girl dating montage, They showed a sex scene between the nerd girl and the zombie wherein she ripped his penis off and then put it back on.  At that point, Lovelock ripped the remote out of my hand and started fast forwarding at TRIPLE SPEED.

[...]

[He basically stopped fast forwarding right at the end,  it looks like at some point there was a zombie outbreak, and then somehow the zombie guy wasn’t a zombie anymore, but then he was again, but at the end, he wasn’t and he and nerd girl lived happily ever after.  And then everyone else starts making out.]

Lovelock:  The worst.

[...]

So, this movie has boobs and nudity.  But there are many other ways to see boobs without having to watch the dumbest fucking movie maybe ever.  Oh yeah, and the movie ends with a TOPLESS SCENE INVOLVING THE OLD LADY GRANDMA CHARACTER.  Worse than you can imagine.  Burn my fucking eyes.

5 comments:

  1. Oh fuck. Not another one.

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    1. That was literally my reaction when I saw it on Netflix. Of course, my dedication to the genre made me watch it anyways, haha!

      Very highly NOT recommended.

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  2. I'm pretty sure this post was far more amusing than the movie itself would have been. Good to know I can steer clear of it on Netflix.

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    1. I had more fun writing about it than watching it, I am CERTAIN of that much. It was REALLY REALLY bad.

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  3. The Asylum is a menace on the world of cinema. They're like filmmaking terrorists.

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