There’s a good chance that this is the only Greek zombie film that Starkwell and Lovelock will ever be able to watch. From what I can tell, this is straightforward zombie mayhem, with just the right amount of gore, and the correct lack of budget to make it all pretty fun. Or so I’ve read. The name certainly isn’t particularly original. Unless there is something lost in translation. According to Google Translate, the official name of the film, “To Kako”, translates in English to “To Kako”. So yeah. Let’s see what the dudes think. Hopefully Lovelock won’t say OPA.
[The Athens (?) skyline is shown, and we eventually hear construction noises, explosions, and then it cuts to dudes looking into a hole in the ground.]
Starkwell: Wait, why would construction workers go exploring in a cave?
Lovelock: So that the can unearth EVIL and we can have a movie.
[There are some serious nods to Raimi-style shots as SOMETHING creeps up on the construction guys and they are, I assume, killed.]
Then there was a confusing shot of an old bald dude watching soccer, seemingly forever. And then it cuts to a guy at the game, and then to a bunch of people at a dance club. Lovelock said ‘eurotrash’ like seven times. It was pretty offensive. And it seemed to piss Starkwell off.
[Zombies at the dance club.]
Lovelock: Wait, were those zombies biting necks or just people making sexy time?
Starkwell: Either way, remind me to never go to dance clubs in Greece.
[Bald dude eats his wife in front of their daughter Jenny. Jenny runs.]
Lovelock: Can I just say, the music TOTALLY takes me back to early eighties zombie movies… except with a more JAZZY feel.
Starkwell: At least the movie isn’t wasting any time.
[Seriously, it doesn’t. Jenny runs out into the streets with a neighbor and they run around dodging zombie mayhem left and right.]
Starkwell: The only thing cheaper than the music is the zombie effects.
Lovelock: I’m actually pretty psyched about them. And I’m loving the green screen car driving.
Starkwell: Still though… Jenny left behind her baby sibling. What a dick.
Lovelock: Jenny sucks. And she was WAY too touchy feely with her gross bald dad.
There's a Taxi Driver and a Sexy Woman that he is driving, and they see a crowd of zombies and assume it is just a crazy crowd of rabid football fans. They're obviously not smart. They pick up another dude, and he explains (or tries) to them that all Hell has broken loose.
Lovelock: There’s definitely a confused and chaotic “Nightmare City” vibe present here that is making me happy all over.
Starkwell: All over?
Lovelock: Well not THERE.
Lovelock: Okay fine… there too.
[Sadly, this isn't Lovelock's first joy boner.]
One thing that both Lovelock and Starkwell have noticed is how much better looking the women are than the men in this movie.
Lovelock: If the good looking woman to ugly man ratio is correct... Remind me to go to Greece on my next vacation.
Starkwell: You’ve never left town.
Lovelock: Hopefully Greece survives the outbreak.
Starkwell: You know this isn’t real right?
Lovelock: How long would it take to drive there?
The movie goes on to introduce a lot of the characters, but they aren’t really developed much. There’s the perverted Taxi Driver, who wants to lick the Sexy Girl’s feet (?), the Schoolgirl with the dead parents, and so on and so forth. Up until now, honestly, neither Lovelock nor Starkwell actually give much of a shit about any of the characters. The movie is focusing on two groups of survivors. One of said groups just ran into some kind of soldier dude, and then, they run into the other group. So now all of the characters are together at a Greek restaurant, eating. At least they are making it easy to keep track of everybody.
Starkwell: I’m guessing they don’t call it Greek restaurant when in Greece, instead, simply, RESTAURANT.
Lovelock: How could they be eating, drinking and giggling at a time like this?
[Zombies show up at the restaurant, and the survivors go on a kill rampage.]
Starkwell: Did she just kick his head off?
Lovelock: A good zombie movie always allows zombie limbs and shit to be cut and ripped like room temperature butter.
Starkwell: Good to know.
[Then, amidst all of the terrific gore, Lovelock did a few roundhouse kicks.]
They immediately ditch the soldier, deciding he is crazy, and now they are down to only five in the group… Schoolgirl, Sexy Girl, Taxi Perv Guy, Old Dude and of course, Boring Girl. That’s about as accurate a description as I can give, given the lack of character development. Then there’s a scene where the Schoolgirl tells them that she is almost fifteen… honestly, the actress playing her looks to be well into her twenties. It’s all a bit silly. The comedy, on the other hand, isn’t very silly or effective at all.
[Randomly, Sexy Girl decides to bone Taxi Guy, and he starts by sucking all on her toes and shit.]
Starkwell: For real? Why?
[Before he can bone her, she gets bitten and old dude blows her head off.]
Lovelock: Zombies. The ultimate cock blocks.
Anyways, the movie carries on with the people fighting zombies, and to be fair, the gore is fairly creative, even if the story is not. Some more people die, crazy soldier comes back to save the day, and in the end, they wind up at the soccer stadium surrounded by a hundred bajillion zombies charging them all at once.
Starkwell: Why would they choose to go and stand in the middle of an open field?
Lovelock: Because they are, the dumbest fucking assholes ever in a zombie movie ever. The end.
The end indeed. Fun, but man, the writers made some odd, possibly lazy, choices.