14.12.14

Horror Rises From The Tomb.

Vengeance of the Zombies” was a film released the same year as what we are about to watch.  “Vengeance” was also written by, and starring, PAUL NASCHY.  “Vengeance” was a buttload of stupid fun.  So, in conclusion, this should be fantastic.  Gentleman, start your engines.  NASCHY!

[...]

[DVD goes PLAY MOVIE and we are treated to a NASCHY introduction to the movie, wherein he is holding an axe.]

Lovelock: Do we even need to watch this?  I feel like it won’t live up to how awesome it already is in my mind.

Starkwell: It definitely will not live up to that.

[...]

As is always the case with these Spanish films, the costumes are out of control awesome.  Naschy is wearing a bad ass cape, and appears to be some sort of vampire, in the olden times.  He is about to be decapitated, along with his insanely hot woman who is, obviously, nearly showing all of her boobies in her insane dress.

[...]

[Naschy is beheaded, and his woman is hung naked, obviously, upside down and is bled to death.]

Starkwell: The Spaniards certainly like to cut into a naked bare boob.

Lovelock: Meanwhile the scar faced knight watching all of this happen… ALSO PLAYED BY NASCHY.

Starkwell: I feel a Klumps joke coming along.

Lovelock:  I was gonna go the Martin Lawrence route.

Starkwell: Sweet beheading, by the way.

[...]

[Cut to the present day (1973), and a dashing, cleaned up, suit-wearing Naschy is in an artist’s apartment watching him paint.]

Lovelock: Seven minutes into the film and he has already played THREE characters.

Starkwell: I think that might actually be the same character as the beginning, I think he’s immortal.

Lovelock: Or… BACK FROM THE DEAD.  Whoomp.  There it is.

[It's neither.]

[...]

Then there’s a really cheesy scene where the characters all go to a séance, and the old lady medium talks to Dead Naschy from the past.  There are just so many Naschys at this point, it is quite hard to keep up.  Then the Painter finishes his painting, and it turns out he has painted a headless Naschy holding his head (strangely he doesn't seem to think, hey that looks a lot like my friend).  Then he sees a floating Naschy head above his painting, bleeding and laughing at him.

[...]

Lovelock: Which Naschy is which?  Why did they make him play the knight too?

Starkwell: Irresponsible.

[...]

[Naschy fights off some car jackers.]

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy:  Man of Action.

Starkwell: So, wait, the gang is going to the old Naschy castle where the original Vampire Naschy was killed and buried?

Lovelock: Paul Naschy:  Man of Naschy.

Starkwell: I’m really confused.

Lovelock:  Naschy?

[...]

Ok, so I guess they are digging around the property looking for treasure.  I can only assume that they’ll find NASCHY HEAD.

[...]

[So one of the gardeners opens the treasure chest they found and whatever he sees possesses him, and he turns around and kills some dudes.]

Lovelock:  Oh man, you just know there’s a sweet fucking Naschy head in that chest!

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock:  Totally where “Pulp Fiction” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

The possessed guy goes around the castle killing scantily clad girls who have been left totally unattended, by Naschy and other men, in a castle that has a mysterious murderer lurking about.  The director makes sure to show boobs when he can and, just for good measure, there is another “someone cuts into a bare breast” scene… BLIND DEAD STYLE.  Apparently all of this murder has made the Naschy horny, because he immediately cheats on his woman with the other random servant woman that he has known since SHE was a child.  Stay classy, Naschy.

[...]

[Painter hooks up with his now possessed blonde idiot girlfriend, and now he is possessed.  He goes after Naschy’s woman.]

Lovelock: She’s probably better off dead than with Naschy.

[Meanwhile Naschy goes back to the other woman… probably for a round two.]

Starkwell:  Wow.  Tells his woman to keep cooking, then goes off to bone the young girl.

Lovelock: After throwing dead bodies in a lake.

[We finally see Naschy’s undead head in the treasure chest.]

Lovelock: NAILED IT.

[...]

The possessed gang go on to put Naschy’s head back onto his body, and he gets up and WALKS.  Next, the plan seems to be to shove his woman’s spirit into the Current Naschy’s woman.

[...]

[They put Current Woman into the coffin that the old skeleton of Vampire Naschy’s original woman is in…  But first they obviously need to cut off all of her clothes and grope her while showing full bush.]

Starkwell: Every time.

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy: Pervert.

[...]

Naschy grabs another feel or two of dem boobies before he stabs her.  Then, with a hand full of bloodnad her boobies, he fondles her some more.  Next thing you know Original Naschy woman is back!  Current Naschy Woman has vanished.

[...]

[The possessed gang is to become food for the undead.]

Starkwell: This is working out well for both Naschys.

[...]

Undead Woman goes into town naked and walks into a random dude’s room and seduces him and kills him and, I guess, eats him.  But not before Boobs, Bush, and some unfortunate dude ass and balls.

[...]

[Naschy seduces a random girl in her room in the village.]

Starkwell: I could buy that if a dude turns his head and sees a naked woman, he might be like “LET’S DO THIS”… but are we to believe that a woman would see a fully clothed and caped BEARDED Naschy standing in the corner of her room, hiding behind a curtain, and would STRIP, GET ON THE BED, and begin fondling herself?

Lovelock:  Woman want him, men want to be him.

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Either that or it was REALLY easy to get chicks In Spain in the seventies.

Starkwell: Right… it couldn’t possibly be that the dudes making this movie were perverts.

[...]

Basically Vampire Naschy has the world’s most powerful bedroom eyes.  One look and the ladies are like “do me yo-yo master”.  Then… all of the dead people emerge from the swamp and come back to the castle.

[...]

Lovelock:  Say what you will about anything else, but those are some seriously sweet looking zombies.

Starkwell: Meanwhile Naschy hasn’t even really noticed that his lady is no longer around.

Lovelock:  Because he has a new lady… DUH.

[...]

Possessed painter shoots Naschy dead.  He then tries to kill Naschy’s New Lady, but the necklace she is wearing frees him from the possession.  There’s a pretty sweet gore scene of Vampire Lady ripping a dude’s heart out.  Eventually everyone except the one girl die and she uses the necklace to kill Vampire Naschy, but not before a few more boobs are exposed and groped.

[...]

[Girl throws the necklace into the lake.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t that be a necklace to keep, you know, in case?

[...]

The end.

14.11.14

Zombie Cop.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell.  J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film.  Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness.  Let’s see where his follow up falls.  I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.  Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film.   The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot.  Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas?  Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout.  Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence.  After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face.  With a towel on his head.  An actual towel.  It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.  I honestly wish I was joking.  Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”.  There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners.  This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse.  There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy.  This time they didn’t even paint his face brown.  But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent.  Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long.  Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”.  Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out.  Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie?  The editing.  The music.  The writing.  The everything.  Just a well-rounded painful turd.   The end.  And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

24.10.14

Maniac Cop 2.

Another Lustig movie about a vigilante… I definitely know that Lovelock and Starkwell head into this one with the expectation bar at least somewhat raised.  They enjoyed the first installment, and they definitely like some of writer Larry Cohen’s other endeavors, such as “The Stuff”.  While they found “Uncle Sam” to be a bit of a stinker (I mean, how many times can you re-brand the same movie), this one came in well before that, so maybe it won't feel quite so tired.  Also, I mean, come on, Bruce Campbell is in it.  So, yeah.

[...]

[Bruce Campbell fights Maniac Cop.]

Starkwell: I always thought Campbell was kind of a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one.

Lovelock: Wait what?

[Maniac Cop drives a truck off a pier with Campbell hanging onto the side of the truck.]

Lovelock: WOAH!  STUNTS!

Starkwell: I miss watching movies where you get to spot the stunt doubles.  Nice wig!

[...]

If you haven’t seen the first one, all you really need to know is that Maniac Cop is a vigilante zombie cop who just don’t know when to quit.  Something tells me that, although he just took a huge pipe through the chest, he’s coming back.  The something telling me that, is that this is called “Maniac Cop 2” and we are only two minutes into the film.

[...]

[Maniac Cop stops an armed robbery, but kills the clerk and gives the gun back to the perp.]

Lovelock:  I don’t get it.

Starkwell: What’s with all the smoke?

Lovelock: Will there be a story in this movie, or… ?

[...]

Bruce Campbell and Blondie are arguing with the police commissioner about whether or not the Maniac Cop really is the undead dude they think it is.  Blondie starts FREAKING OUT.  Then five minutes later they kill Campbell and the guys are all “DA FUCK”.

[...]

Starkwell: Is it really necessary to focus on the dead naked girl’s boobs for so long at the morgue?  They’re there to identify Bruce Campbell’s body…

Lovelock: I’ll allow it.

Starkwell: Dude, weak.

[...]

There doesn’t seem to be any real method to Maniac Cop’s madness.  I mean I get that he killed Bruce Campbell, but the guy in the corner store?  Now a cop towing away some douchebag’s car?  What the shit?

[...]

[Maniac Cop throws Blondie through a window and then she goes after him with a chainsaw.]

Starkwell: What does she expect to do with that?

Lovleock: I don’t know but she has some seriously crimped hair.

[Maniac Cop immediately breaks her neck.]

Lovelock: Hashtag chainsaw fail.

Starkwell: Never again, please.

[...]

Then the Police Psychologist Woman, handcuffed to a car’s steering wheel goes flying down the highway… on the outside of the car.  Say what you will about the movie, but there are some pretty righteous car stunts littered throughout.

[...]

[Strip club scene.]

Starkwell: Why is this scene so long?  Why are the strip club scenes always so long?

Lovelock: Like you don't know.  More important is, who is this fucking guy they are focusing on?

[This movie is developing a side story now, even though the main story is barely developed.]

[...]

So the guy at the strip club is a Serial Killer who’s been killing strippers.  As he is about to kill another stripper in her apartment, Maniac Cop show up, throws the girl into a wall and saves the Serial Killer from the police.  Seriously, what the fuck, they become buddies and plan to kill together?

[...]

Lovelock: I feel like the theme from “Perfect Strangers” should start playing, at this point.

[...]

Then there is a flashback to how Maniac Cop died in prison, and for whatever reason, it just had to be in “stabbed while naked in the showers by some shirtless inmates”.  So we get plenty of Robert Z’Dar ass shots and some almost side peen.  Why did it have to be in the shower?  And why were the prison showers so dark, open and cavernous?

[...]

[The cops go around to some neighboring strip clubs to look for the guy.  They find him at the first strip club they go to.]

Starkwell: How convenient.

Lovelock: How did this guy manage to kill so many strippers and get away with it if he is so dumb?  FUuuUUCK the cops in this movie’s universe are inept.

[...]

Then Maniac Cop goes to the police station and kills basically everybody and frees his Serial Killer Buddy.  It’s a fair amount of bullet action and gore, but I still don’t really see what his end game is, other than killing everyone that potentially put him behind bars in the first place.  Also random people.

[...]

[Maniac Cop and Serial Killer steal a prison bus and break into prison… ?]

Starkwell: So, no one reported that the prison bus was stolen and that MAYBE the prison souldn’t let the bus in?

Lovelock: Remember what I said about the cops in this universe?

[So I guess he is going after the people that shower-shanked him in prison.]

[...]

After a pretty sweet fire stunt, Maniac Cop kills his killers and flies out the window down a bunch of flights into a bus, which then explodes.  It’s THE DEFINITION OF BLAZE OF GLORY.  The story may have lacked some imagination, and had a whole slew of useless bits, like the Serial Killer Guy (why was he even in this?), but man, the action and stunts were tight. Can’t wait to show them part 3.

7.10.14

Diary Of The Dead.

People like to crap all over the second Romero dead trilogy, but I honestly thought “Land of the Dead” was good.  There’s something comforting about a zombie film made by Romero.  It’s like listening to an old favorite band that is sort of phoning it in, but I mean, come on, they’re still fun.  Unfortunately, this usually is the beginning of the end for a band/director, and eventually they start sounding/looking like the people originally imitating them.  Like when Weezer starts sounding like a Weezer cover band.  Or when Romero makes “Diary of the Dead”, basically.  But at least at that point they haven’t totally gone off the fucking deep end, hit rock bottom, and made “Survival of the Dead”.  I'll save that complete fucking turd for another day… of the dead.

[...]

[Intro, FOUND FOOTAGE style.]

Starkwell: Proof that even the greats succumb to shitty fads.

Lovelock: So Romero saw "REC" and was like, hey didn’t I kind of make that?  No?  Okay, maybe I should?

[The acting looks like, well, it won’t be very good.]

Starkwell: “Land” had a decent cast, I guess this one… doesn’t?

[...]

Now we get the intro of the “FILM WITHIN A FILM” called “The Death of a Dream”…  Basically people were making horror film, and eventually zombies rolled in, and so they kept rolling.  AND THEN some annoying girl took all of this footage and edited together this “Death of a Dream” movie… about the outbreak.  So I guess the zombie outbreak ended and she had time to edit this, narrate it, add music and… show it to all of us?  I don’t get it.

[...]

[FIRST PERSON VIEW going through dark and scary empty dorms.]

Starkwell: Definitely has a video game kind of feel.

Lovelock: Complete with “First Resident Evil's live action scenes” level of acting and dialogue.

Starkwell: So who's the master of unlocking?

[Groan.]

[...]

Then the main girl Deb says she wants to go home to Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Then, rather than listening to the shit dialogue, Starkwell and Lovelock started talking about “The Office”.   The ‘gang’ are driving in some sort of RV.  They see their first zombies and run them over, pretty nonchalantly.  Then, after, they all freak out?

[...]

[They pull over, and the girl that was driving blows her own brains out.]

Starkwell: That seemed a bit… sudden.  Kind of an overreaction...

Lovelock: I don’t think ANYONE would react that severely, even if they were real people.

[They go to a hospital, because she still has a pulse.]

Lovelock: She can't drive, OR blow her own brains out?

Starkwell: So what they were driving along the highway and they just happened to be right next to a hospital, right as the driver shot herself in the face?

Lovelock: SWISS CHEESE PLOT.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock are really having problems with this one.  On the bright side, the zombies look great (one thing Romero always gets right), and there are some decent scares her in the hospital.  There are some CG effects in the mix and they aren’t great, though.

[...]

Starkwell: HOLY BALLS THE DIALOG IS BAD.

[...]

Romero is clearly trying to make a point that in this age of information, too many people are filming, there are eyes everywhere, no one is living, people want to see life filtered through a camera, through TV, and through BLABLABLA… to be honest he is FULLY beating his point to DEATH, unnecessarily so, and on top of that, it feels like he is trying to say more than one thing (?).  He could have focused more on action and building characters and been more subtle about his point(s).  We are the walking dead, yeah I get it.

[...]

[They meet a deaf Amish farmer and use his barn to fix their RV.]

Lovelock: Good thing the Dumb Blonde knows how to fix the… fuel line?

Starkwell: This is some gang they’ve put together.

[Zombies close in on them.]

Lovelock: He’s not doing a very good job at building tension.  I honestly don’t feel worried at all.

Starkwell: To be fair, that’s mostly because you don’t give a shit about the characters.

[...]

Then the Amish guy dies almost immediately, making him as pointless as all of the rest of the characters in this movie.  Then they meet some black dudes… ‘gangstas’ I guess.  THEN THEY SHOW MAIN CHARACTER JASON and THE NERD GUY EDITING THE MOVIE.  Scenes we’ve already seen.  The movie within the movie within the movie within the movie?  I don’t know how many levels down we’re diving.  But I’m pretty sure we’re swimming in the deep end.  Of a pool of shit.

[...]

[Zombie takes a bottle of hydrochloric acid to the head and it slowly melts.]

Lovelock: Probably sounded better on paper.  Because fucknuts that looked bad.

[...]

Really just feels like a movie written by an old out of touch guy.  I guess it was.  And by the way, the old professor in the gang has a fucking bow and arrow now.  The gang now goes to their rich friend’s house, but he’s gone crazy after killing his whole family after they done gone zombie.  It’s a super long and dragged out scene that doesn’t really go anywhere until he goes zombie too.

[...]

[Main character films zombie running after Blondie, and, doesn’t help her.]

Starkwell: This movie is dumb.

Lovelock: At least we got to see dem boobies.

[...]

Anyways, the main character dies and the movie ends, after some more cheesy dialog asking whether we, as a species, are worth saving. Ugh.  I'm surprised that Lovelock didn't say "diarrhea the dead' at some point... Seems like a missed opportunity.

30.9.14

Dead Within.

This movie has five people listed as cast members.  There are four people listed as writers.  There are two people I know, that are very much not excited to watch a movie about a few people stuck in a cabin, hiding from zombies that, as far as I can tell from the interwebz, we will never see.  Let’s go already.  At least it’s only an hour and twenty minutes long.

[...]

[Credits open with aerial shots of landscapes and cities.]

Starkwell: I hope they didn’t pay too much for that stock footage.

Lovelock: Or for the helicopter ride.

Starkwell: The pilot was like “hey stop filming”.

[...]

Four friends, composed of two couples, hang out in their cabin, and there’s a baby.  It cuts from them celebrating to DARK and SCARY clearly after the outbreak.  There are people asking to be let in to their cabin, they don’t let them in.  Zombies eat the people outside.

[...]

Starkwell: Kind of shitty that they didn’t even think about letting them in, and now they’re just listening to zombies kill them.

Lovelock: And why do the zombies sound like dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park”?

Starkwell: You know, other movies have incorporated dinosaurs…

Lovelock: That’s my go-to for dinosaur sounds.

Starkwell: Also, why didn’t the people just try and break down the door?

Lovelock: Hold on to your butts.

[...]

The director does a fare job at creating tension, but it’s really slow.  It’s moving at a snail’s pace.  Every now and again, there are flashes of one of them killing their friends after they, obviously, must have become zombies.  Where’s the baby at?  Also, I guess since they don’t want to attract zombies, they whisper, mostly.

[...]

Starkwell: I guess the zombies mostly come at night?

Lovelock: Mostly.

[...]

The guy goes out on errand runs, but they don’t ever show that since that would take an actual budget, and more than two actors.  There are two actors in this movie, holy shit.  TWO.  And mostly it's just the girl being crazy alone in the cabin.  Like that Robert Redford movie, except not on a boat, and not Robert Redford.  And nothing happens even though there are ZOMBIES.

[...]

[The two share a cigarette and some synth music plays.  And then MONTAGE of them living in the cabin, surviving.]

Starkwell: So… this movie could have only been twenty minutes?

Lovelock: Try five.  SOMETHING HAPPEN.

[...]

I get it, it’s intense being cooped up in a cabin, having nothing to think about but how you killed your best friends and your baby.  BUT DON’T MAKE A NINETY MINUTE MOVIE ABOUT IT.

[...]

[The girl starts going kind of crazy.]

Lovelock: That’s it, lady… wash the clean dishes again.

Starkwell: More like, that’s it, MOVIE.  Show it again forever.

[...]

The troops are getting restless.  The actors are quite good, actually.  And it’s well directed and nicely shot.  But FUUUUUCK nothing is happening.

[...]

[The guy never comes back from his latest errand run.]

Starkwell: So, something happened, we just don’t get to see it... or?

[Girl has fucking CRAZY NIGHTMARES.  And then the front door starts bleeding… or at least it does in her mind.]

Lovelock: Well, at least we get to see that.

Starkwell: I appreciate that it’s more about her descent into madness than the zombie outbreak itself, but I’d like some kind of action… otherwise it needn’t take this long.

[He has a point - feels like a short stretched to a full.]

[...]

Near the end, we do finally get to see some zombies as they finally breach the cabin and the girl fights for her life.  Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly on the edge of their seats.  For all the complaining about nothing happening, they certainly seemed gripped at the moment.  Definitely a slow burn kind of movie.  Takes a while to get there, but when it does, it makes you feel fairly uneasy as shit falls apart around the main character girl.  And she falls apart too.

[...]

[Guy comes back but she doesn’t let him in, because he can’t remember the secret knock.]

Starkwell: Woah.

[He tries to bust in with an axe, she cuts off some of his fingers with some branch cutters.]

Lovelock: Woah, gore!

[She knocks him out with a baseball bat and ties him to a chair.]

Starkwell: So… is he a… zombie?

[It becomes clear that he is not a zombie, and that the bitch is NUTS and maybe a zombie.]

Lovelock: Bitches be crazy.

[...]

What an emotional roller coaster.  She stabs him in the chest.  She sees black zombie blood, but I think it’s all in her mind?  We see red blood.  A bizarre ending to a bizarre little movie.  TWIST!  Her blood is black!  She’s the homicidal crazy rabid zombie!

25.9.14

Kill Zombie.

A Dutch comedy zombie film, originally titled “ZOMBIBI”, this film will almost certainly be cookie cutter and forgettable.  But then again, how often do you get to see a cookie cutter zombie comedy film made by the Dutch?

[...]

[We are introduced to Aziz, a dude who works in an office with his dream girl.]

Lovelock: Subtitles!?!?!?

[He gets fired, mostly because his party boy brother keeps calling him at the office.]

Starkwell: Why do they keep saying “what the fuck man”?

Lovelock: How many languages are being spoken here?  Sounds like eighteen.

Starkwell: How many do you understand?

Lovelock: None.

Starkwell: You know the subtitles are in English, right?

[Two black dudes get in a fight with Aziz and his brother and they all wind up in jail.]

Starkwell: Did he say “poop in your neck”?

Lovelock: I think that’s Craig Robinson in the Lakers jersey.

Starkwell: I think that might be racist.

[...]

So the two brothers, the two black dudes, a random other guy that was also in prison, and a sexy cop girl end up hauled up in the police station watching the news.  They find out that a Russian satellite crashed down into his (previous) office building and made people go full zombie, and there’s an outbreak all over wherever they are.  Meanwhile Aziz is worried about his dream girl, who is apparently stuck in the office building.

[...]

[All of a sudden they are surrounded by zombie cops in the station.]

Starkwell: How exactly did they not see all of those guys before?

Lovelock: How is there a spaceship?  It’s a movie, asshole.

[...]

The comedy is not bad, mostly predictable.  The zombies look decent enough, and the story is at the very least moving quickly.  They did throw in the obligatory “this looks like a Michael Jackson video” reference.  Why do all these fucking movies do that?  “Thriller”?  Really? A slightly dated reference.

[...]

[Montage of the crew arming themselves.]

Starkwell: Might be the most uselessly long montage ever.

Lovelock:  At least they’re not using the standard chainsaw-sword-cliché-shit.

Starkwell: Guy with two bowling balls?  Admittedly, fairly original.

Lovelock:  Seriously though, when is an 'arming oneself' montage ever bad?

Starkwell: Often.

[...]

Both Lovelock and Starkwell appreciate the slow moving zombies, and that the film tries to do at least one or two new things amongst all of the same old tired gags.  There is a shout out to “Pulp Fiction” at one point as well, when they accidentally shoot a guy in the back seat with a crossbow.  Not as outdated a reference as "Thriller", but still a touch random.

[...]

Lovelock: You shot Marvin in the face!

Starkwell: Are we supposed to know who Ben Saunders is?

Lovelock: We ain’t Nederlander, so, no.

Starkwell: You mean we ain't Dutch?

Lovelock: That too.

[I looked it up… he won the Dutch version of “The Voice”.  There's a Dutch version of "The Voice".  Adam Levine is probably fucking on it.]

[...]

Everyone, except the cop and Aziz, decide to go rob a bank because, if movies have taught us anything, it is that money is certainly very important in the post apocalyptic landscape.  Says Kev sarcastically.

[...]

[Craig “Bowling Ball Hands” Robinson gets bitten, and the random guy from the prison screws them over and leaves with all of the money, and the truck.]

Lovelock: That’s what you get for robbing a bank.

Starkwell: Crime don’t pay.

[...]

Then there’s a drawn out scene of the two dudes trying to kill Craig Robinson, and they literally use everything AND the kitchen sink.  It’s a bad joke and the scene goes on for way too long.

[...]

[Fight scene between two guys named the Barachis and a bunch of zombies, and they film it like a fighting video game, complete with energy bars and a voiceover saying shit like “FATALITY” and whatnot.]

Lovelock: Strangely, it isn’t the first move I’ve seen do that.

Starkwell: The first non Kung-Fu movie?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The Lovelock noticed that an actor in the background hit his head on something (clearly not on purpose) and he made us rewind and watch it over about four times (finding it hilarious that they used that take).  It actually was kind of funny, though.  So from an actual STORY perspective, it turns out the girl that Aziz wanted to save was a complete whore, so they went all the way to save her but it turns out she called half of the city to come and save her (and bone her... bone her with boner). 

[...]

[With the help of a Russian soldier, they put C4 all over the satellite, but Aziz’ brother is bitten.  It is sad.]

Lovelock: The C4 is clearly just a bunch of sticks of butter.

[Aziz’ Bro is gonna stick around to detonate the C4, and Aziz gets to kill his boss.]

[...]

On the bright side, they end up saving the world. And Aziz still gets the girl, because he gets the cop, who is RIDICULOUSLY hot.  Seriously.  The movie ends with a twist where, now, the safe zone is full of vampires, randomly.  And it feels as if they want to do a sequel.

[...]

Starkwell: Killed his boss and he got the girl?  Living the dream.

Lovelock: Honestly, look at that girl.  I need to go to Dutchlandia.

Starkwell: I think you mean the Netherlands.

Lovelock: It’s pronounced Dutch.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: NEDERLAND.

Starkwell: You really lost me.

Lovelock: Ned Nederlander.

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: As you Americans say we shall play for keeps.

[...]

Solid fun little picture.  Some unnecessary slow motion here and there, some painfully outdated references (“Thriller”, “Scarface”, “Pulp Fiction”), some predictable lame jokes, but overall, this was pretty enjoyable.  Plus they never had to resort to gratuitous boobies etc. (although I'm sure no one would have minded with the main character being as beautiful as she was), which I can respect a lot.  Since EVERY cheesy American made movie always throws in some tits and buttz to try and fill the seats.  Also, what ever happened to the bank robber guy?  Weird.

23.9.14

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.

The Asylum” seems to have a roster of “directors” that it gets to churn out shitty mockbusters and half-assed B Movies on a regular basis.  This is this director’s, if I read correctly, second time out for “The Asylum”.  The movie opens up immediately with a zombie terrorizing some kind of college house party.  Within LESS THAN TEN SECONDS, we get full frontal and backal female nudity.  Blonde and Asian bush, attacking a zombie with a dildo while talking about their sex score in the most recent issue of Cosmo.  Real classy, and enough to make Starkwell say “nope” immediately and make Lovelock go it alone.

[...]

[After the zombie rampage is over, it cuts and says “28 Days Earlier”.]

Lovelock: Oh man, it’s a real good thing Starkwell wasn’t here to see that.  Or… the rest of this.  I feel like he would he would have punched the TV about seven times.

[Then there was a cat named Romero and Lovelock fucking screamed.]

[...]

There was a “nerdy” girl main character introduced.  Everyone is the worst actor I’ve ever seen.  It’s hard to really tell though how they are at acting since most of what the female characters have done is shake their tits and talk about blowjobs or something.  Then the nerd girl shows her tits to two nerd guys.  Then she meets a zombie?  I suppose they’re making fun of “Warm Bodies” but seriously this movie sucks.  It basically looks and feels like those Porn Parodies, except without the actual Porn.

[...]

[Nerd Girl gets the nerd fraternity to accept zombie guy into their fraternity so she can be dating a fraternity guy… the zombie.]

Lovelock: So… Also “Revenge of the Nerds”.  What is this fucking music?  Nope.  NO.

[...]

Sometime after the fraternity hazing / zombie and nerd girl dating montage, They showed a sex scene between the nerd girl and the zombie wherein she ripped his penis off and then put it back on.  At that point, Lovelock ripped the remote out of my hand and started fast forwarding at TRIPLE SPEED.

[...]

[He basically stopped fast forwarding right at the end,  it looks like at some point there was a zombie outbreak, and then somehow the zombie guy wasn’t a zombie anymore, but then he was again, but at the end, he wasn’t and he and nerd girl lived happily ever after.  And then everyone else starts making out.]

Lovelock:  The worst.

[...]

So, this movie has boobs and nudity.  But there are many other ways to see boobs without having to watch the dumbest fucking movie maybe ever.  Oh yeah, and the movie ends with a TOPLESS SCENE INVOLVING THE OLD LADY GRANDMA CHARACTER.  Worse than you can imagine.  Burn my fucking eyes.

16.9.14

The ABCs Of Death.

The anthology film has seen a dramatic comeback in the lower budget regions of the horror genre in the last few years.  No doubt because it is a way for several directors to pool together resources… also it caters to short attention spans and doesn’t require writers/directors to come up with an actual movie’s worth of story time.  Lazy?  Maybe.  If done right, these can be a lot of fun.  Think “Creepshow” or the original “Tales from the Crypt”.  But then I think “V/H/S” and I get worried.  As do Lovelock and Starkwell.

[...]

[You know what the big issue here is already… they see that the movie clocks in at two hours and ten minutes.]

Starkwell: I think we should skip some letters.

Lovelock: Is ‘Z’ for zombie in this case?  Can we just go right to there and make this a five minute affair?

Starkwell: Oh God, I hope zombies show up before ‘Z’.

[...]

Can I just say, this movie is fucking insane?  I mean REALLY insane.  Different concepts, ideas, styles, animated SWITCH to live action, different genres, Hell, even different Languages… There’s a claymation segment for God’s sake… The two sat there looking happy, but like they were also being kicked in the balls.  At many points, I thought we would definitely lose Starkwell… FoxLady with tits, aminated shit, dudes jacking off… There eventually were some zombies that showed up in ‘W’ (I'm still surprised they hung on for that many letters...).  Clown zombies to be precise.  It was a bad segment.  But by this time they were totally fucking speechless.  The film would get higher marks if it weren’t so damn offensive (unnecessarily so), and basically pointless.