29.11.13

The Dead One.

Also known as “El Muerto: The Aztec Zombie”, with a plot that sounds an awful lot like that of “The Crow”, Fez from “That 70s Show” plays a dude resurrected by an Aztec God.  The film was written and directed by a guy who also wrote and directed a movie called “Keepin’ It Real” with the tagline “This rapper’s got her moving to a different beat”.  So he’s potentially a jack of all trades, but also potentially a master of none.  It’s based on a comic book too, so promises to have a real comic booky kind of a feel.  Anyways, let’s let the jury decide.

[...]

[Flashback of Fez as a kid, and some crazy old witch doctor places a bizarre curse on him and cuts his hand.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never follow creepy old Mexicans into a desert canyon.

Starkwell: Have you really ever been presented with such an opportunity?

[Young Fez has a crazy vision with spirit animals and insane clouds and rain and the sun and WOAH…]

Lovelock: Wait… I spoke too soon.  Seeing that, now, I’d TOTALLY follow a crazy old Mexican into the desert.

[...]

Then we are back to present day and Fez is in love with the Preacher’s niece or something.  He apparently BLACKS OUT every year on the day of the dead, and THIS year, he woke up with a weird tattoo, went out that night, had visions while driving and drove his car into a tree.  DEAD.  Or… is he?

[...]

[Fez is suddenly laid out on an Altar and being torn apart by a pretty sweet looking Aztec Skeletor.  His LOVE for the woman brings him back to life. His eyes are all black.]

Lovelock: I’d rather stay back with Skeletor and find out what his deal is.

[Wait!  He’s actually been dead a whole year.  He woke up on the FOLLOWING year’s day of the dead.]

Starkwell: So, in “The Crow”, he comes back because he’s got unfinished business.  Unless he’s coming back to screw the Preacher’s Niece, umm… why is he back?

Lovelock: THE CUUUUuuuuuuRRRrrrrSE…

Starkwell: And that means… ?

Lovelock: It means they don’t need a real reason.

[...]

After going to see his friend and acting all weird he blacks out and wakes up in the cemetery.  Oddly enough, his buddy doesn’t seem all that shocked to see his DEAD friend.  He’s kind of just all “what you doing here?

[...]

[Fez steals some shit from an old lady’s store and then beats up on two dudes that tried to go get the stuff back once he realizes he feels no pain.]

Starkwell: So… basically he’s a criminal and an asshole?

Lovelock: Give him a chance… he’s only just now discovering his powers.

[He touches a guy’s chest and changes the guy’s mind.  Then he touches a guy’s chest and brings him back to life.]

Lovelock: Part “The Crow”, part Jedi, part Jesus… ?

Starkwell: All pointless.  So far.

[I think Starkwell’s getting impatient.]

[...]

The story continues to unfold and it becomes clear that Aztec Skeletor is using Fez to do evil stuff there on Earth.  Fez is kind of half possessed, and half his old weeny self.  Skeletor takes over his brain when he goes to visit the Preacher though, and the Preacher dies, because Fez rips his heart out.

[...]

[Fez shoots himself with the Sheriff’s gun, accomplishes nothing.  Sheriff dies of a heart attack.  Fez revives him.]

Starkwell: He is just a terrible person.  What is the point of all of this?

Lovelock: The Aztec Skeletor is thinking pretty small if he’s going to all this trouble to just kill one Preacher.

Starkwell: How so?

Lovelock: Well, have him fucking DO SOMETHING.  Fez is just walking around confused and freaking people out.

Starkwell: And the Preacher?

Lovelock: Right, but that’s ONE body. One body?  Come on Aztec Skeletor, you can do better than that.  This ain’t exactly Hell on Earth.

Starkwell: True.  Also the make-up job is pretty weak for an Aztec Skeletor.

[...]

Lovelock: Is it just me or did they suddenly drop the whole dilated pupils black eyes thing?

Starkwell: Who knows.

[...]

I think some creepy blind wheel chair woman just got possessed as well, but I haven’t got a clue.  The body count is now up to two, as another Priest is now dead.

[...]

[Apparently Aztec Skeletor needs the blood of the Preacher’s Niece.  Possessed old wheel chair lady wakes up and stabs Fez.]

Starkwell: There it is.  The point of all of this, coming in just over an hour into the hour and a half film.

Lovelock:  I’m pretty sure that’s a dude playing the old lady.

Starkwell: She is quite homely, and tall.

Lovelock: Her huge Adam’s apple is the clincher.

[So, possessed old lady is Aztec Skeletor?  Why did they need Fez in the first place?]

[...]

After some more inner struggling (and some serious YAWNING from Starkwell an Lovelock) Fez regains power over his own brain and eventually stabs the old man / old lady / Aztec Skeletor.  They leave it open at the end, as if there would be more of these.  This was an ‘origins’ sort of story for the hero he would then go on to be.  I guess FILM-WISE, that never happened.  Thankfully.  Not a terrible movie.  But it’s a pretty damn boring one, with some sizably confusing holes in the plot.

26.11.13

Night of the Comet.

Halley’s Comet caused quite the commotion for a while, and, rightfully so, because comets are pretty hardcore.  But perhaps the best thing it did was spawn a whole counterculture of comet enthusiasts (it didn’t, but we can pretend it did… maybe it did).  Might even be what led to movies like the early eighties zombie comedy starring hilariously eighties clich├ęs (who knows if there is any connection… I don’t, nor do I really care, I just needed to introduce this lesser known gem).

[...]

[We are introduced to main character Regina who works at a trashy theater and FULLY OWNS at video games.  She’s playing an arcade instead of doing her job.]

Starkwell: Every man’s fantasy.

[Regina notices someone took the sixth spot in the top ten, so it’s not ENTIRELY made up of her initials.  Who is ‘DMK’?]

Lovelock: I’m in love.

[Regina calls her little sister Samantha and then talks to her step mother and tells her to FUCK OFF basically.]

[...]

So then, after Samantha fights with her step mom, she goes to her room.  Regina, on the other hand, is busy banging her boyfriend in the projector room at the cinema.  Everyone else is busy watching the comet, which seems to be making the sky turn red.

[...]

[Samantha wakes up to find no one else around except for dust piles and people’s clothing.]

Lovelock: I made my family disappear?

Starkwell: I guess…

Lovelock: I MADE MY FAMILY DISAPPEAR.

[...]

Regina and boyfriend wake up, boyfriend goes out to find his buddy, and is clubbed and killed with a wrench by what looks to be a homeless zombie.  Then he goes after Regina, but she defends herself and drives off on a motorcycle.

[...]

Starkwell: It’s actually pretty amazing that they managed to get shots of her driving in downtown L.A. looking THAT deserted…

[Regina gets home, finds Samantha and tries to explain the situation to her.  She is dressed as a cheerleader, for some reason.]

Lovelock: A cheerleader and a video game nerd who loves movies… they REALLY knew their target audience.

[...]

When they can’t reach anyone on the phone, they realize that the radio is still broadcasting, so they head to the station to find people.  Turns out that the DJ is just a recording, and they end up meeting Hector instead.  Hector explains to them that there are ZOMBIES going around killing people, eating cats and et cetera.  Regina figures out that everyone that has survived spent the night inside some kind of steel cage.  Sam had the tool shed (?), she had the projector booth, and Hector had the back of his truck.

[...]

Starkwell:  So people either turned to dust, or are zombies and slowly turning to dust?

Lovelock: That’s why I sleep in a steel coffin.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why…. Wait… WHAT?!?!?

[Some kind of military facility is monitoring them at the radio station.]

Lovelock: Oh also… GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!

Starkwell: What does that have to do with sleeping in a steel coffin?

Lovelock: Shut up you face.

[...]

Hector and Regina get pretty chummy pretty quickly, especially since her boyfriend Larry JUST FUCKING DIED.  And she JUST met Hector like two hours ago. They're practically singing "Endless Love".

[...]

[Zombie kid runs after Hector.]

Starkwell: So, there are people who think “28 Days Later” started the whole running zombie thing.

Lovelock: Most people in the know think that it was “Return”…

Starkwell: Fair enough, but here we are a full year before “Return” and this kid is acting EXACTLY like the little girl at the beginning of the “Dawn” remake.

Lovelock: Nerd.

Starkwell: But you were just… Aw fuck you.

[...]

[The girls go on a shopping spree in downtown L.A…and a bizarre 'NOT Cyndi Lauper' version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is playing.]

Lovelock: I mean, it sounds close… but… it’s definitely a bit off.

[Hooligans watch them on the surveillance cameras, and then go after them.]

[...]

The hooligans just seem to want to kill them, not interested in the more expected capture-and-rape scenario, which is often popular in these types of movies.  This leads to a discussion between Lovelock and Starkwell about how the film is actually quite wholesome and yet still radically entertaining.  No gratuitous tits and ass, no sex scenes, no needless gore… and yet it is still completely holding their attention.  That’s quite an accomplishment, ESPECIALLY for an eighties film.

[...]

[Hooligan plays Russian Roulette with Sam and Regina, until a group of military researchers come to their rescue.]

Lovelock: What was with that hooligan’s face?  He was grotesque.

Starkwell: Wait how did they know where to find Sam and Regina?

Lovelock: They heard them on the radio station… but… yeah I don’t know.

[...]

The hooligan was grotesque because he was turning all zombie.  He must have been exposed.  The military research team seems intent on doing research on Sam, Regina and Hector.  The Female Doctor injects Sam with something.  Lovelock and Starkwell do not trust them. AT ALL.

[...]

[Wait, the injection KILLED her.]

Lovelock: Are you serious?!?!?!?

[They want to wait for Hector to kill him too.  Then Female Doctor pulls out her piece and kills the other doctor.]

Starkwell: What exactly is her plan?

Lovelock: So Sam is coming back… right?  RIGHT?

[...]

Then the Female Doctor goes back to the radio station, waits for Hector, and then injects herself and dies.  Lovelock is still confused and still waiting for Sam to come back.  Hector reads the note that the doctor left, then goes to save Regina.  TWIST Sam is alive and in Hector's trunk.  The Female Doctor just knocked her out.  I guess she was a good guy.  Or gal.  Lovelock cheers, cries a little and then plays air guitar to the rad synth soundtrack playing as Hector and Sam plan to BUST… Regina… out!!!!  They get out, they blow up a car full of bad dudes, and then get away.  Then it rains and washes away the virus?

[...]

[There’s another dude survivor and he picks up Samantha in his cool car and they drive off into the sunset… license plate reads ‘DMK’!]

Lovelock: So wait, EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD?  Bitchin’!

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: DMK! Dis Movie Kills!

[...]

Cheesy eighties pop plays over the soundtrack and you can’t help but fall in love.  Starkwell and Lovelock dance and cheer.  This is the most wholesome zombie movie I’ve ever seen.  Totally gore-free, it accomplishes ten times what most do.  A real classic, that is, quite honestly, fun for the whole family.

21.11.13

Chernobyl Diaries.

Most humanoid mutant movies can be graded on a scale from one to 'C.H.U.D.'.  'C.H.U.D.', of course, being the high end of the spectrum.  It's not that that film is somehow a perfect ten, but I'm hard pressed to think of a better mutated-human-gone-cannibal film.  Knowing full well what this film is up against, I mercilessly put it in front of Starkwell and Lovelock, as they prepare to dissect and annihilate.

[...]

[Montage of young adults on a Euro Trip.]

Lovelock: This movie needs to either change gears FAST, or take it up a notch and start including some boobs in this montage.

Starkwell: Weak.

[...]

Older brother Paul decides to take the rest of the group (made up of younger brother Chris, Chris' girlfriend Natalie, and some chick named Amanda), on an EXTREME TOURISM TOUR of the abandoned city next to Chernobyl.  Obviously, it's not going to end well.  Chris is apprehensive, but immediately gives in and they take off immediately with tour guide Uri and two random people who joined the tour.  The "official" way into the town has turned their excursion away (armed guards and whatnot), so Uri takes them in the back way.

[...]

Lovelock: The back way into an abandoned radioactive city… probably NEVER is the right way in.

[...]

[The gang tours the ghost town.  They see a mutant fish and have a run in with a bear.]

Starkwell: Filming there must have been pretty interesting.

Lovelock: I guess.  What if someone needs to go to the bathroom?

Starkwell: Is that all you think about?

Lovelock: No... maybe.  I don't know.  I gotta run to the bathroom, pause it, please.

[...]

The movie doesn't waste much time.  They get back to the van only to find that the engine has been tampered with, so they're stranded.  They hear what sounds like crying babies, and Uri decides to venture outside with a gun.

[...]

[Chris joins Uri outside the van.]

Lovelock: Wait, suddenly, mister "this is a bad idea guys" is just going to head out into the dark woods with an ex-military dude in a ghost town?   Now he's all mister "be right back hand me that gun"?

Starkwell: Um… yes.

Lovelock: That's why I never take extreme tours.

Starkwell: You don't take ANY tours.

Lovelock:  Because tour guides always tend to shush me when I try to make jokes about what they're saying.

[Movies don't shush or talk back, right guys?]

[...]

Then it gets more intense as they drag Chris back into the van and his leg is all fucking chewed up, and apparently 'they' got Uri.  I assume he means the dogs.  The battery in the van dies, so they sit in a dark van, trying to help Chris' disgusting leg.  As they all sit around breathing heavily I heard at least three or four nervous farts from Lovelock (who blamed them all on the squeaky couch).  Morning comes and half the group tries to go out and find Uri, while Chris and two of the girls stay behind.

[...]

Lovelock: So much for captain adventure.  Nice leg, asshole.

Starkwell: This ain't DREAM STREET.

[Ex-Tween Sensation, Jesse McCartney, plays Chris... the reference was very out of character for Starkwell.]

Lovelock: ... ?

[...]

[They follow Uri's blood trail down into an underground something and find dead Uri.]

Lovelock: Maybe this is all part of his special "extreme" package…

Starkwell: I'd be asking for a refund.

Lovelock: "Too late I'm dead", says Uri.

[...]

[Chris and Natalie stay behind in the van, the rest go to get help and promise to come back.]

Lovelock: They don't have any water or food… and it's already been over a day.

Starkwell: Small detail…

[...]

So far other than "hearing" a CHUD, we've mostly just seen dogs chasing them, and one of the dudes got munched by a mutant fishy.  After a 'found footage' moment of Natalie's phone, showing, I assume, the CHUDs taking Chris and Natalie.  The acting is decent overall, although there have been a few cuts of the actors smiling when the characters really would not be and should not be.

[...]

[They find Natalie.]

Lovelock: I need to see more than just a fucking FLASH of the CHUDs.  SHOW ME THE CHUDS!

[We see a child CHUD and the shadow of a CHUD and then Natalie is ONCE AGAIN, taken and dragged away… again, I assume by a CHUD, but we haven't really seen them yet.]

Starkwell: You're not one for tension building.  I bet during Jaws, you were all "hey show more shark".

Lovelock: Wasn't everybody?

[...]

These people tend to abandon one another quite quickly.  I'm not sure if that makes it more or less realistic than most films like this.  We get a bit more of a glimpse of the CHUDs and Starkwell and Lovelock get into a debate as to whether or not they remind them more of Sloth from "Goonies" or the Toxic Avenger.  They eventually settled on "they look like Sloth and Toxie's butt baby".

[...]

Starkwell: I feel like the acting is getting worse.

Lovelock: They were better when they were just playing "vacationing idiots".  Now that they have to ACT, scared, hurt, confused and whatnot, they are NOSEDIVING.

[...]

Eventaully Amanda is the only survivor, but the crazies that "rescue" her bring her to their lab, and you find out that this is all some kind of experiment.  She is then fed to the CHUDs.  A little low on the actual CHUD content, but otherwise a fun little number.

18.11.13

Helldriver.

The Japanese zombie scene is a mixed bag.  It’s mostly not a good mix.  For every “Versus” there are a few “Big Tits Zombies”… Or that one with the swim team where half the movie is softcore lesbian porn... So yeah…  Anyways, The bigger issue here is that the film’s run time is about two hours… TWO HOURS!  It’s about a princess and her post-apocalyptic quest to kill her mother the zombie queen, or something like that.  Sounds fun enough.

[...]

[Dude scales a wall, sits atop it, and feeds a severed head to a bunch of zombies.]

Lovelock: Sweet grappling hook.

Starkwell: Is his suit electric?

Lovelock: The Japanese always have blue zombies, for some reason.

[...]

Then, to a soundtrack of gentle Japanese pop, Electric Ninja uses his grappling hook to rip off a bunch of zombie heads and rip off their horns (?) that they all seem to have growing out of their heads, and then falls off the wall and is swarmed by zombies.  Then a pickup truck comes flying in (doing flips and spins) bowls over the zombies and out emerges our heroine (I assume), Kika, wielding a chainsaw and doing pole-dancing moves while severing zombie heads.  Lovelock and Starkwell sit, as confused as these Japanese zombie films usually make them.

[...]

[Flashback to Kika’s past, where her crazy mother and the crazy mother’s crazy boyfriend are trying to kill her, and then an asteroid hits the mother and makes a huge crater in her chest, and then the mother rips out Kika’s heart and puts it in her crater replacing her missing heart, and then they both are covered in glowing gold goo, and shoot black smoke that covers Japan and turns everyone into zombies.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: Well at least the narrator is helping explain it.

Starkwell: Is the mother the girl from “Audition”?

Lovelock: I’ve blocked that film from my memory.

Starkwell: KURI KURI KURI KURI.

[Lovelock drops to the floor, weeping, in the fetal position.]

[...]

Then we see a montage of news footage and whatnot explaining everything.  The weird horn is apparently ground into a powder and used as drugs in this horrible future.  Meanwhile Kika is in a hospital, sleeping for a year, through the apocalypse where, for whatever reason, people eat fried cockroaches and the film makers have decided to show it.

[...]

Starkwell: I think they really fried those roaches!

[Lovelock started to respond, but then vomited mid sentence when the dude started chewing on fried cockroaches mouth open.]

[...]

[Kika wakes up, and is attacked by zombies and some sort of band of marauders, dressed like Klu Klux Klan wizards, then discovers that she has been turned into a cyborg superhero with a chainsaw sword.]

Lovelock: CHAINSAW SWORD!

[...]

The fight goes on for a while, Kika soon realizing that even if you chop off a chainsaw wielding zombie’s arm, that arm will come at you with a chainsaw.  She saves two dudes, we’ll call them Hat Guy and Video Game Character, who then take her with them back to some drug kingpins that they are apparently selling horns to.  Hat Guy also apparently rescues orphans (?).

[...]

[Kika has a nightmare about her past with her mother, and then, in the present, the mother breaks out of her golden glowing cocoon to reveal that she is a super zombie.  The Queen zombie, if you will.]

Lovelock: Is that a giant chicken foot wrapped around her head?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but it’s kind of gross.

[...]

So amidst the whole “Kika wants to get revenge on her now Zombie Queen mom” storyline, there is also a larger plot wherein some rogue government dude wants to overthrow the president and launch a plan to exterminate all of the zombies.  This plan includes using Kika as the weapon that she was designed to be.  THE ULTIMATE ZOMBIE KILLER.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m not sure who the good guys or bad guys are in the government, I just know that I want Kika to kill Zombie Mom.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[President gives a speech, Rogue Diplomat Guy blows a whole in the wall and President is eaten.]

[...]

One thing is certain… the movie doesn’t skimp on blood and gore.  It’s fucking everywhere.  There’s a decent mix of CG and old school, making it pretty over the top and insane.  But in a good way.

[...]

[The opening credits start rolling, fifty minutes into the two hour film.]

Lovelock: I’m confused.

Starkwell: There’s still over an hour left? DA FUCK.

[...]

The Rogue government guy has declared himself the new Prime Minister, and for some reason, now wears a military outfit and has a Hitler mustache.  Kika, Hat Guy, Video Game Character and the Drug Dealers have all been recruited to head into the zombie territory to find the queen.

[...]

[The group is attacked by a few hundred zombie heads being launched at them.]

Lovelock: Well that’s new.

[One severed zombie head bites drug dealer girl in the crotch.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s unnecessary.

Starkwell: The movie was doing so well avoiding that kind of thing too.

[Hat Guy, Video Game Character and Kika survive, saved by a Cowboy, that they just ran into… somehow.]

Lovelock: Right.  A Cowboy.

[...]

[A zombie feeds on a bouquet of severed penises.]

Lovelock: And just like that, they lower THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

Starkwell: First crotch bite, now penis bouquet?  Shit is weak.

[Cut to a zombie bar, zombies doing “Thriller” dance.]

Lovelock: Houston, we have a problem.

Starkwell: What is happening?

Lovelock: Absolute nosedive.

[School Girl has her shirt ripped open, zombie bites her bare breasts for a little while, and then she is held down while she squirts blood out of her nips like a firehose, as her breast are milked by the surrounding zombies.]

Starkwell: And, that’s my cue to leave.

Lovelock: What is going on!??!?!

[Only in Japan.]

[...]

There really is a strange split.  It feels like two different films, the one before the credits in the middle, and the one after.  Even the special effects seem to have gotten worse.  Why would a shotgun blast make their heads blow up in a little burst of flames?

[...]

Lovelock: Wait, is the firehose nipple girl a spider zombie now?

[...]

The next half hour was basically non-stop action, for better or for worse.  There was a zombie baby, naked spider girl zombie fighting with a fork, a zombie car made out of zombies, a zombie getting chainsaw sword up the ass for like two minutes, and eventually, Hat Guy yelling BANZAI as he “kamikazes” himself off of a cliff.

[...]

Lovelock: How is there still another twenty five fucking minutes?

[...]

[Zombie Mom sits atop a Colossus Giant made out of zombies.]

Lovelock: Guh?

[...]

They fire a missile at it, it partially explodes, but then the chicken foot alien creature sitting atop Zombie Mom’s head starts conducting the zombies like a symphony.  Then the Giant Thing catches the next two missiles and uses them like jet engines and turns into a huge plane made out of zombies.  Lovelock’s brain breaks.  He was trying to say something, but it was just coming out as a series of confused grunts.

[...]

Lovelock: I think it’s safe to say that I am completely desensitized to spurting blood at this point.

[...]

Definitely WAY too long, but if you go in knowing that it’s just a nonsense ride of zany insanity, you’ll come out pleased as Lovelock did.  Or you’ll leave long before it’s over, as Starkwell did.

15.11.13

Nazis at the Center of the Earth.

Well, it’s a movie from “The Asylum”, so you already know that there is a fifty percent chance that Starkwell will leave before the film even gets going, and at least a twenty-five percent chance that neither of them will finish the film.   This turd takes on the Nazi zombie theme, and hopefully isn’t too long of a film.  It starts off with a horrible action scene wherein Dr. Mengele escapes on a plane sometime at the end of the war I guess.

[...]

[Researchers digging (?) in Antarctica find some kind of Nazi bunker (?)]

Starkwell: Wait, that’s supposed to be Antarctica?

Lovelock: That Nazi just walked up from behind them, what was he just hiding behind a bush all that time?

[Then something blows up, the explosion is blue and we’re all confused.  Apparentky the Nazis took two of the researchers and dragged them away.]

[...]

The acting is really really bad, even by “Asylum” standards.  I think Lovelock was the one who wondered how they found so many bad actors willing to be in a film.  Including Jake Busey.  The whole group of “researchers” (bad actors) go to find the missing researchers.

[...]

Starkwell: Good thing that the snow and heavy winds of Antarctica have PERFECTLY preserved those footsteps that they are now following.

[...]

After expressing his desire to save the next hour of his life from the agony of watching this, Starkwell leaves.  Lovelock stays, actually a little intrigued.

[...]

Lovelock: That dude’s head blood looks like fruit punch.

[Mengele rips off a dudes face.]

Lovelock: Seems like a face wouldn’t just come off that cleanly…

[...]

It just gets worse and worse as the researchers venture into a “cave”, where Captain Jake Busey claims that they must be “fifty feet below the surface”.  Wow.  So deep.  I’m surprised they haven’t passed the equator yet.

[...]

[I guess Mengele took all of the researcher guy’s skin and put it on a Nazi?]

Lovelock: Can one just slip in and out of skin like a leotard?

[...]

Holy shit the girl slid down an icy hole to the CENTER OF THE EARTH like a scene out of “The Goonies”.  Then two of the researchers discover a whole word down there… that appears to have its own sun?  Also, what’s their plan for getting out of here?  They seem to be sliding down tubes and abandoning all of their gear… so…  Anyways, the whole group walks right into the Nazi building they found in this secret world and are immediately surrounded by a bunch of undead Nazis.

[...]

Lovelock: Hopefully they all just die immediately and the movie ends NOW.

[Dream big.]

[...]

[Captain Jake Busey is a secret Nazi and planned on bringing all of them to Mengele.]

Lovelock: Oh shit! Obvious twist!

[...]

Admittedly, this is bad, but it’s almost captivatingly bad.  The old actor dude playing Mengele is pretty sweet too.  So Mengele wants all of them to help him with his immortality / undead soldier research, and so far they’re playing along, I guess waiting for their moment to strike.  There’s no real explanation as to why Mengele looks EXACTLY as he did seventy years ago, but the soldiers are all rotting zombies.

[...]

[One of the women gets gang raped by a bunch of nazi zombies.]

Lovelock: Are they eating her or… ?

[...]

The movie makes little to no sense.  Also it sucks.  Lovelock just left.  He was just in time to miss Captain Jake Busey rip out his own baby fetus from his girlfriend and use the stem cells to revive Robot Zombie Hitler.  Oh also the Nazis have a flying saucer apparently.  It’s even worse than it sounds.  In the end, the UFO explodes over the Antarctic and the two surviving Americans jump out and find their jackets somehow.  I guess the UFO didn’t actually move at all?  And their jackets managed to find their way to where they ended up? Fuck dis shit.

11.11.13

Legion of the Dead.

You’d think I’d learn from past experiences and stop feeding shitty Asylum movies to Starkwell and Lovelock.  But where would the fun be in that?  Although this is the director’s only turn in the director’s chair, he has written mockbusters like “The Da Vinci Treasure”, and produced bullshit like “Sharknado”.  This one explores the “Dawn of the Mummy” idea of using mummies as zombies.  Unlike that one where a bikini model photo shoot stumbles upon an Egyptian tomb, this one starts off with… dirtbikers stumbling upon an ancient tomb… in the middle of the California?

[...]

[Opening credits look like they come from a Shareware game.  The kind that came on floppy disks.   When I was a kid.]

Starkwell: Ugh.  I don’t know if I have the stomach for this one.

Lovelock: Let’s keep that remote handy.

[...]

And fast forward a bunch… Apparently there’s a class on a field trip doing archaeological research.  Bad acting, bad writing, BAD EVERYTHING!

[...]

Lovelock: The ‘hieroglyphics’ look like crayon markings on posterboards.

Starkwell: If it looks like a potato, it's probably a potato.

Lovelock: Don't bring lovely potatoes into this.

[...]

More fastforwarding and WAIT, the Queen Mummy is apparently reviving.

[...]

[Queen Mummy sits up, is glowing red, and is naked.]

Lovelock: I guess back in the Egyptian Mummy times, the queen would often get breast implants.

Starkwell: And end up buried in California.

[...]

There’s a girl named Kevin who seems to have a dick (?)… I don’t know.  We’ve been fast forwarding a lot.  But I think the Queen pointed at a dick print in her jeans.  Basically the Queen is roaming around and sucking the souls out of dudes.  But she, for whatever reason, always gets naked right before she melts dudes.

[...]

Starkwell: Where is the ‘legion’ of the dead?

[Eventually a handful of Mummies do show up attacking some of them… they easily defend themselves with pool supplies like a Shepherd's Hook or one of those skimmer poles.]

Lovelock: I think the writers had a "Lesion of the Head".

Starkwell: Solid.

[...]

After some more minor mummy mayhem, complete with mummies that belong in a “PARTYMANIA” or “HALLOWEEN SUPERSTORE” commercial, the main character(s) stop the Queen from sacrificing a virgin and start making out.  The girl named Kevin may or may not have a penis, I’m still not sure.  I am, however, sure that this movie sucks.  Ironically, the shitty song playing during the credits contained the lyric “fast forward gets me through”.  The band must have watched the movie too.

7.11.13

Extinction.

After trying to make Netflix start this movie TWICE and having it somehow exit to the Blu-Ray player’s home screen both times, the movie actually started playing on the third attempt.  If ever there was a sign that the Universe is telling us not to bother with a film… But, Starkwell and Lovelock are dedicated, and decide to press on.  The film has a long running time which obviously has all of us concerned, however, at the very least, within the first five minutes, it’s clear that the production value is above a lot of the garden variety cheap as balls Asylum-esque material that is generally passed off as zombie fare these days.  But again, that doesn’t mean anything yet.  Put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.  But then again, sometimes pigs are cute.  After a scene of a dude flipping out and saying that everyone is dead, we get the title shot… apparently it’s ACTUALLY called “Extinction: The G.M.O. Chronicles”.  Then the main guy puts a gun to his head and the movie is all “3 DAYS EARLIER”.

[...]

[Dude drives around, zombie mayhem is all around.]

Lovelock: Green zombies?

Stakwell: They look like Lou Ferigno as the Hulk, except rabid.  And not as jacked up.

Lovelock: Ho-ho-ho, greEEeen zombies.

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

It’s a German movie, so all of the actors have accents.  It’s not like the film is set in the states either, so it’s strange that the characters would speak English.  But there is decent character development so far, and though the film hints at the fact that it will be pretty slow moving, it hasn’t gotten boring… yet.

[...]

[Main character is hauled up in an old military base, and kills slow “walkers”.  Apparently, there are also “runners”.]

Starkwell: So… absolutely nothing new under the sun?

Lovelock: I don’t know, they spit yellow stuff and have white blood… that’s different.

Starkwell: I guess.  Well, at least it’s competently made.

[You’d be surprised, but COMPETENCE really makes a zombie film stand out in today’s overcrowded market place of mockbusters and turds.]

[...]

[The zombies hibernate at night.]

Starkwell: So it’s just “I Am Legend” with an AM/PM switch?

Lovelock: It’s European.

Starkwell: Huh?

Lovelock: I don’t know, I thought it sounded cool to say.

[...]

[Main Dude, Tom, runs into some other survivors.]

Starkwell: The accents are kind of… WHY WOULD THEY BE SPEAKING ENGLISH?

Lovelock: I’m gladly, since because there ain’t none subtitles.

Starkwell: ...

[The survivors have an American with them.]

Lovelock: There.  There’s a reason for them to be speaking English.

[The survivors, one has been shot, all head back to Tom’s base with him.]

[...]

There are definitely all sorts of weird things going on with the zombies.  There are different types.  Some run, some walk, some hibernate, most can’t move unless they are in light… interesting ideas, but a bit scattered at the moment.  The zombies definitely have varied behavior, and seem to have some reasoning abilities… again… only some of them.  Lovelock and Starkwell are both curious and intrigued to see where this is going.

[...]

[During one of their recon missions they find a survivor guy named Luke, who has apparently survived off of toilet water and toilet paper.]

Starkwell: Nutritious delicious... toilet paper?

Lovelock: It’s not a bad idea… Your shit would wipe your ass on its way out.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

Wait, it turns out they are in the U.S…. ?  Well that just… wait, what?

[...]

Starkwell: Well, I’m gonna say it.  This movie is too fucking long.

[Lovelock, I assume, agrees… since he’s asleep.]

[...]

They’ve collected a bunch more survivors at this point.

[...]

[Toilet paper eating dude gets yellow dust spit in his face by a zombie.]

Starkwell: That looked like pollen… is this a plant thing?

Lovelock: It’s anti-vegetarian.  The plants are fighting back!

Starkwell: So, zombies plus a dash of that M. Night Shamadong movie?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure that’s not his name.

Starkwell: Like you know?

Lovelock: M. Night Shama… Lamma... Sharbee… Nahgonnaworkherenomore.

[...]

One of the main-ish dudes dies and it drags a bit and Lovelock is all “ah let’s go movie hurry up”.  I don’t blame him for feeling this way.  We’ve had a good ten or so minutes of focusing on the main girl’s slow emotional breakdown, and Tom’s compassionate leadership, and shit.  Maybe more.  It’s hard to tell.  It feels like time is standing still.

[...]

[Interesting turn of events, Tom sees a special queen (?) zombie, that has no eyes and shrieks to call all of her zombie minions.]

Starkwell: Okay, okay, I’ll bite.

Lovelock: This should have happened forty-five minutes ago.  It’s too late for me.

[...]

During the five minute long soccer scene, Lovelock fucked right off.  The film keeps on going… it reminds us all of that Canadian film “Autumn” in that it is quite epic and large in scale, has a fairly interesting story, and takes the time to develop characters.  But much like “Autumn”, it takes an awful long time to really get anywhere and should be way shorter.  Be less movie.  That’s my advice to this movie.  And to “Autumn”, for that matter.

[...]

[They go to find Tom’s sister, she’s a zombie, but somehow her baby is alive.]

Starkwell: Right, because babies don’t need much to survive…

Lovelock: WOAH! Green zombie!

Starkwell: You’re back?

Lovelock: I thought it would be done by now… there’s another twenty minutes left?  Good God…

[...]

Then during a fight with the Hulky green giant zombie, Tom trapped it in a car and blew up the car with his bow and arrow.  Then the group ended up with a creepy priest, and I think they know what’s causing all of this, and then there’s romance and then I don’t know.  The zombies show up at the castle and these are the night kind that are afraid of light and seem to be painted up with the always offensive BLACKFACE, and we are ALL just as confused as ever.  The movie ends with the surviving characters shoving off for Africa... By land?  From the U.S.?  What the... I give up.  And then TWIST, the baby is infected!

[...]

Lovelock: There’s nothing quite like hinting at a sequel that will likely never happen.

Starkwell: Correction - a sequel that will THANKFULLY never happen.

[...]

Harsh.