26.11.13

Night of the Comet.

Halley’s Comet caused quite the commotion for a while, and, rightfully so, because comets are pretty hardcore.  But perhaps the best thing it did was spawn a whole counterculture of comet enthusiasts (it didn’t, but we can pretend it did… maybe it did).  Might even be what led to movies like the early eighties zombie comedy starring hilariously eighties clichés (who knows if there is any connection… I don’t, nor do I really care, I just needed to introduce this lesser known gem).

[...]

[We are introduced to main character Regina who works at a trashy theater and FULLY OWNS at video games.  She’s playing an arcade instead of doing her job.]

Starkwell: Every man’s fantasy.

[Regina notices someone took the sixth spot in the top ten, so it’s not ENTIRELY made up of her initials.  Who is ‘DMK’?]

Lovelock: I’m in love.

[Regina calls her little sister Samantha and then talks to her step mother and tells her to FUCK OFF basically.]

[...]

So then, after Samantha fights with her step mom, she goes to her room.  Regina, on the other hand, is busy banging her boyfriend in the projector room at the cinema.  Everyone else is busy watching the comet, which seems to be making the sky turn red.

[...]

[Samantha wakes up to find no one else around except for dust piles and people’s clothing.]

Lovelock: I made my family disappear?

Starkwell: I guess…

Lovelock: I MADE MY FAMILY DISAPPEAR.

[...]

Regina and boyfriend wake up, boyfriend goes out to find his buddy, and is clubbed and killed with a wrench by what looks to be a homeless zombie.  Then he goes after Regina, but she defends herself and drives off on a motorcycle.

[...]

Starkwell: It’s actually pretty amazing that they managed to get shots of her driving in downtown L.A. looking THAT deserted…

[Regina gets home, finds Samantha and tries to explain the situation to her.  She is dressed as a cheerleader, for some reason.]

Lovelock: A cheerleader and a video game nerd who loves movies… they REALLY knew their target audience.

[...]

When they can’t reach anyone on the phone, they realize that the radio is still broadcasting, so they head to the station to find people.  Turns out that the DJ is just a recording, and they end up meeting Hector instead.  Hector explains to them that there are ZOMBIES going around killing people, eating cats and et cetera.  Regina figures out that everyone that has survived spent the night inside some kind of steel cage.  Sam had the tool shed (?), she had the projector booth, and Hector had the back of his truck.

[...]

Starkwell:  So people either turned to dust, or are zombies and slowly turning to dust?

Lovelock: That’s why I sleep in a steel coffin.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why…. Wait… WHAT?!?!?

[Some kind of military facility is monitoring them at the radio station.]

Lovelock: Oh also… GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!

Starkwell: What does that have to do with sleeping in a steel coffin?

Lovelock: Shut up you face.

[...]

Hector and Regina get pretty chummy pretty quickly, especially since her boyfriend Larry JUST FUCKING DIED.  And she JUST met Hector like two hours ago. They're practically singing "Endless Love".

[...]

[Zombie kid runs after Hector.]

Starkwell: So, there are people who think “28 Days Later” started the whole running zombie thing.

Lovelock: Most people in the know think that it was “Return”…

Starkwell: Fair enough, but here we are a full year before “Return” and this kid is acting EXACTLY like the little girl at the beginning of the “Dawn” remake.

Lovelock: Nerd.

Starkwell: But you were just… Aw fuck you.

[...]

[The girls go on a shopping spree in downtown L.A…and a bizarre 'NOT Cyndi Lauper' version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is playing.]

Lovelock: I mean, it sounds close… but… it’s definitely a bit off.

[Hooligans watch them on the surveillance cameras, and then go after them.]

[...]

The hooligans just seem to want to kill them, not interested in the more expected capture-and-rape scenario, which is often popular in these types of movies.  This leads to a discussion between Lovelock and Starkwell about how the film is actually quite wholesome and yet still radically entertaining.  No gratuitous tits and ass, no sex scenes, no needless gore… and yet it is still completely holding their attention.  That’s quite an accomplishment, ESPECIALLY for an eighties film.

[...]

[Hooligan plays Russian Roulette with Sam and Regina, until a group of military researchers come to their rescue.]

Lovelock: What was with that hooligan’s face?  He was grotesque.

Starkwell: Wait how did they know where to find Sam and Regina?

Lovelock: They heard them on the radio station… but… yeah I don’t know.

[...]

The hooligan was grotesque because he was turning all zombie.  He must have been exposed.  The military research team seems intent on doing research on Sam, Regina and Hector.  The Female Doctor injects Sam with something.  Lovelock and Starkwell do not trust them. AT ALL.

[...]

[Wait, the injection KILLED her.]

Lovelock: Are you serious?!?!?!?

[They want to wait for Hector to kill him too.  Then Female Doctor pulls out her piece and kills the other doctor.]

Starkwell: What exactly is her plan?

Lovelock: So Sam is coming back… right?  RIGHT?

[...]

Then the Female Doctor goes back to the radio station, waits for Hector, and then injects herself and dies.  Lovelock is still confused and still waiting for Sam to come back.  Hector reads the note that the doctor left, then goes to save Regina.  TWIST Sam is alive and in Hector's trunk.  The Female Doctor just knocked her out.  I guess she was a good guy.  Or gal.  Lovelock cheers, cries a little and then plays air guitar to the rad synth soundtrack playing as Hector and Sam plan to BUST… Regina… out!!!!  They get out, they blow up a car full of bad dudes, and then get away.  Then it rains and washes away the virus?

[...]

[There’s another dude survivor and he picks up Samantha in his cool car and they drive off into the sunset… license plate reads ‘DMK’!]

Lovelock: So wait, EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD?  Bitchin’!

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: DMK! Dis Movie Kills!

[...]

Cheesy eighties pop plays over the soundtrack and you can’t help but fall in love.  Starkwell and Lovelock dance and cheer.  This is the most wholesome zombie movie I’ve ever seen.  Totally gore-free, it accomplishes ten times what most do.  A real classic, that is, quite honestly, fun for the whole family.

1 comment:

  1. Ordered, sounds amazing. Great review!

    ReplyDelete