The Swamp of the Ravens.

Actually a Spanish film, this film’s actual title is “El pantano de los cuervos”, which according to Lovelock translates to “The Pants of the Eggs”.  I think he’s wrong.  Hopefully the internet is also wrong about how bad and boring this is about to be for Starkwell and Lovelock, as they enter the Egg Pants.  The film starts and the print is ABSOLUTELY atrocious.  It looks like the film was bathed in mud and left in the sun.


Lovelock: It almost looks like the colors are messed up, like it’s supposed to be in 3D…

Starkwell: I think that’s just the print.

Lovelock: I think those glasses might help.

Starkwell: I think only a blindfold would help.

Lovelock: And earplugs.

Starkwell: And a power failure.

Lovelock: And a time machine.

Starkwell: To get our time back?

Lovelock: To prevent the making of the film.

Starkwell: And... scene.


So there is some rogue scientist doing research on cadavers, and interspersed with the chronological events we get scenes from some kind of deposition where he is getting in trouble for trying to do his research.   As Lovelock and Starkwell sat and watched the film, it became clear that the rogue doctor is a complete asshole, and a bit of a rapist.


[Doctor Guy lies to a sick man, kills him, chops him up and then dumps his body in the swamp.]

Starkwell: What the?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

Starkwell: That dead guy was breathing. 

Lovelock: Solid acting.

Starkwell: Is that a fetus in a jar?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

Starkwell: So I guess that is the swamp of the ravens?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.


Doctor Guy’s girlfriend wants to leave him, so she leaves a mannequin at her apartment in her place, with a tape recorder and a recorded message.  It took him a couple of minutes to realize that it wasn’t a real woman and that he was in fact talking to a mannequin.  “Can’t be a very good doctor…” remarked Starkwell... and then Lovelock high-fived him and announced "BURN"..


[Doctor tracks down his girl, kidnaps her, straps her down to his operating table, and proceeds to lick on her nipples.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

Lovelock: That’s why I hate doctors.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and the condescending attitude.

Starkwell: So... arrogance and forced nipple licking?  Those are your main reasons?

Lovelock: You mean, you like arrogance and forced nipple licking?  Pervert.

Starkwell: But...

Lovelock: Yeah you would like something with the butt too, pervert.


[Bodies in the swamp start coming back to life.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or is the Doctor not shocked AT ALL?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

[Then there was an autopsy scene that I think may have been filmed using an actual dead body and Lovelock vomited.]


Frustrated at the lack of undead content, the troops are getting restless.  And there is only an hour left


[Doctor screws dead girl.]

Starkwell: Do they have to show it for this long?

Lovelock: It's all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

Starkwell: Oh FUCK THIS.

[Exit Starkwell.]


It turns out that Doctor’s helper servant dude is actually a re-animated corpse.  Then, with LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES LEFT the cops close in on him, he burns down his swamp house, brings the dead girl back to life, immediately kills her and dumps her body in the swamp, is stared at by the swamp zombies, who then ultimately just dunk their heads back into the swamp.  Then it cuts to him somewhere else in the world teaching a class at a school and continuing to try and conduct his experiments.  But then the cops (from the other side of the world (?) ) catch him and… arrest him?  THE END IMMEDIATLEY.  The zombies never did anything except stand in the swamp up to their necks and look creepy.  FUCKING WEAK.


  1. This one sounds like a thriller!

  2. This was one of the funniest reads ever. Great job. Where are on Earth did this movie come from? I never heard of it.

  3. Another great review. I'll echo others though; where the hell do you dig some of these up from...

  4. @Rev Ron - Thanks!

    @Jason & WatchingThDead - Never underestimate the power of browsing your local DVD/CD/Stuff shop (Massachusetts has a chain called Newbury Comics, which has AWESOME selection).