Actor Michael Ironside and a cast of moderately familiar faces lead this modern-ish sci-fi thing about a pharma company poisoning people and making them zombie. Sounds familiar? Yeah that’s because it’s unoriginal as balls. HERE WE GOOOoooo… The movie starts and both the music and the dialogue immediately make us feel like we should know what is going on. We don’t.
[Opening credits and then flashback as guy tells story of what the hell is going on.]
Starkwell: The music is so epic. The on-screen action, very much not.
Lovelock: You got to hand it to them for trying.
Starkwell: I most certainly do NOT.
Both the lighting and picture quality make it impossible to see what is going. The confusing story elements make it harder to know what is going on. What a shame.
[Dudes in gas masks locate and kill some infected girl and throw her in an incinerator.]
Lovelock: Lucky for them she was hiding out NEAR A GIANT INCINERATOR.
Starkwell: Why the gas masks? They just took them off. What the fuck?
[Car drives by and some of the numbers and letters on the license plate are partially covered with what looks like masking tape.]
Lovelock: Well, that’s one way to not show a license plate…
Starkwell: They were probably worried someone would run the plate and arrest them for making this film.
Lovelock: Of course the head scientist has a terrible EURO accent.
Starkwell: Is that Russian, German…? Umm… Pakistani?
Lovelock: His accent is as confused as the people that wrote this piece of shit.
[The narrator informs us that he’s a Soviet Scientist.]
Starkwell: I’m guessing they went the ‘narrated flashback’ route so that they could do their best to navigate around the plot holes and explain anything that isn't clear. Which is everything.
Lovelock: The true sign of a lazy writer.
Starkwell: It doesn’t say much when you ASSUME the audience won’t know what the hell is going on f you don’t stop and explain everything.
Lovelock: Actually it says a lot. Mostly bad things.
Lovelock: Ok… entirely.
It was completely unnecessary to make the scientist Russian. All it’s doing is pissing everyone off with the bullshit fucking accent. Twenty-five minutes in and we’re still in the flashback. Michael Ironside has been in one scene. The first minute. We are starting to see some of the infected people acting all rabid and whatnot. The film tries to develop character, mystery and intrigue, but it only develops headaches, boredom and indigestion.
Starkwell: When will micro budget movies learn that they can’t make a huge “epic” on a crapballs budget?
Lovelock: Around the same time we’ll learn to stop watching micro budget crapballs movies, probably.
Through the magic of fast forward, I move us quickly into a part of the film where something happens. We finally see some ‘zombies’as well as some of the worst fighting I’ve ever seen.
Starkwell: For a former NAVY SEAL, that dude fights like a real weenie.
With ten minutes left, Ironside returns. His actual acting ability only helps accentuate how bad the rest of this film is. His character is attempting to wipe everyone out so the infection doesn’t reach the population. If only he could wipe the existence of this film next.
Starkwell: That actor smiled after he got shot! Come on.
The infection got out. The end. But not before a long music video of people putting sugar into everything they eat. Oh, did I ever mention it was bad sugar that was infecting people? Well, it is.