Rise of the Zombies.

Just another cookie cutter zombie apocalypse movie from the mockbuster machine known as the Asylum.  Thanks to them and the "SyFy Channel", as long as "The Walking Dead" and zombies in general remain popular, we can look forward to a steady onslaught of these.  Like last year’s this was directed by Nick Lyon.  It seems like they tried to up the ante cast wise, enlisting Trejo, Mariel Hemingway and Reading Rainbow’s own, Levar Motherfuckin’ Burton.  Anyways, it hasn’t started, and I already feel like Starkwell and Lovelock hate it.



Starkwell: You know, if you’re not going to have ANY good special effects, it’s probably best not to open with a slew of special effects shots.


Anyways, I guess they’re in San Francisco, and the people seem to be trying to make it to Alcatraz.  Although neither of them are excited to continue watching, Lovelock is mildly excited that he might be able to squeeze some “Nicolas Cage in ‘The Rock’” jokes in throughout the course of the film.


[Two women watch a video transmission from a scientist with a monkey.]

Starkwell: They can afford to get a trained chimp, but can’t get decent zombie gore effects?

Lovelock: The chimp works for like, bananas.  And bananas are in season.

Starkwell: I think we’re bananas for watching this.

Lovelock: Like I said.  Bananas are in season.


[Zombies arrive on the beaches of Alcatraz.]

Starkwell: So what, they swam there?

Lovelock: Welcome to Rock.

Starkwell: Was that your Sean Connery?

Lovelock: No good?

Starkwell: You sounded like a drowning crazy person.

Lovelock: They RISE out of the water.  Hence, "Rise of the Zombies".


Then there was a horrible action sequence that made everybody laugh.  Why would you punch a zombie repeatedly in the kidneys and THEN shoot him with your gun?


Lovelock: Actually, Levar is not bad.

Starkwell: It’s hard to now if he is actually not bad, or if everyone else is just SO bad that he comes out on top.


The attention to detail is so ridiculously underwhelming.  There was a scene where they were being swarmed by zombies on the beach, and some of the actors playing zombies were falling down as if they had been shot but none of the characters fired anything at them. Nor were there any sound effects.  Starkwell vomited in his mouth a little.


[Some characters try to escape the island in a raft, zombies pop out of the water and grab some people off the raft.]

Starkwell: Well they must have thought that could happen.  If they’re able to swim to Alcatraz, what’s so tough about swimming after a raft?

Lovelock: Allow me.  FUCK YOU, ASYLUM.


If the first film was basically their "Dawn" rip off, this one is definitely the "Day" rip off, made more evident by Levar’s attempts to find traces of humanity in his zombie daughter and by how many times Starkwell has vomited in his mouth.  Anyways, the survivors that left Alcatraz split up and half of them are in some fancy house.  The other half are going to find the research done by Scientist and his Monkey from the video.  Levar stayed in Alcatraz to study his zombie daughter.


[Zombie woman wakes up off the kitchen floor, her limbs are all contorted and twisted.]

Lovelock: Why would she be on the floor twisted up like a pretzel?

Starkwell: So the director has an excuse to show off his actress and her double jointed skills?

Lovelock: Wicked lame.  Well, at least Trejo’s a zombie now.


Starkwell and Lovelock have still never forgiven Trejo for his participation in “All Souls Day”.  So far, this film isn’t helping.


[Zombies scale the Golden Gate bride.]

Starkwell: So now they’re Spiderman?

Lovelock: I hope they learn how to fly soon.


After using the magic walkie talkies to talk to Levar, Mariel Hemingway and company find a dog who has somehow managed to stay alive alone in a closed car for who knows how long.  At this point Starkwell gets up to go have a dump and informs us not to pause it.  A dog!  Just like in “I Am Legend”!  I get it!  The mockbuster power is STRONG in this film.


Lovelock: The acting is so bad that everyone sounds overdubbed.

Starkwell: Maybe they are.  I’m already confused enough by this production.

[They save a pregnant woman, but then she immediately gets bitten.]

Starkwell: Well what the fuck was the point of that?

[They cut open her stomach and pull her baby out.]

Lovelock: Oh, it was so they could save the baby!

[The baby looks all cute but then turns into a zombie and one of the characters throws it on the ground and stomps its head.]

Lovelock: Scratch that.  No point.

Starkwell: So. Many. Problems.  Can’t. Go on…

[And just like that, he was gone.]


Frustrated by the lack of “Nicolas Cage in ‘The Rock’” joke opportunities and the lack of a partner to ridicule the film with, Lovelock slouches on the couch and begins to give up the fight… he begins to nod off.


[One of the characters hops over a chain link fence to get away from the zombies.]

Lovelock: Wait… so… they can climb up the side of a bridge, but can’t climb a fence that most grade schoolers could easily climb?  FUUUuuuuUUUU uuuuUUUUCCKKK this.


Levar cuts off a chunk of his arm, and then burns the gigantic opening with a little BIC lighter.  Then he is totally fine and alert and doesn’t pass out.  Yeah that makes sense.  On the bright side, after feeding his daughter his chunk of arm, he lets is guard down and she starts eating him.  Then he blows himself up with a grenade.  As people do.  Over all, the whole cutting off arm and feeding it to zombie daughter thing, as Lovelock put it, was “the dumbest plan in the history of movie characters”.


Lovelock: So we have slow zombies and fast ones.  Swimming and climbing ones, as well as ones that can do neither.  Some with white eyes, others with normal eyes.  I say again, I await the FLYING ZOMBIES!


Lovelock: You would think if they’re going to show aerial shots of the city, they’d photoshop out all of the MOVING FUCKING CARS ON THE ROADS.

[Once would be bad enough, but it happens repeatedly.]

Lovelock: Seriously?  There are enough survivors that they’re obeying traffic lights?


[Electricity apparently kills the virus.  We are treated to a slow motion shot where a bunch of zombies have electricity running through them like a magic show.]

Lovelock: It still takes longer than a shot to the head so…


Lazy, shitty, boring, irrelevant, and completely fucking pointless, this film finally ends.  And surprisingly it ends on a positive note.  Apparently the vaccine they have works… so… yeah.  Man, that felt like FOREVER INFINITY.

No comments:

Post a Comment