The sequel to “The Crow” was essentially a mockbuster, of itself. This looks to take the myth in a different direction, so at least if it’s horrible, it won’t be horrible and unoriginal. Well, it will still be somewhat unoriginal since it’s the third movie based on the same comic book. And chances are it will be extra horrible.
[Guy is sent to the chair for killing his girlfriend, who he did not kill. The guy who did kill her, THE MAN WITH THE SCARS on the arm, is there watching.]
Lovelock: And that’s why I’m against the death penalty.
Starkwell: Mature. Surprising.
Lovelock: Yeah, I believe in Thunderdome.
[He revives almost immediately, in the morgue.]
Starkwell: The crow is working fast in this case…
Lovelock: He’s still smoking!
[He pulls off his melted face and heals, but somehow has “The Crow” 'makeup' on.]
Starkwell: Well, that’s one way to do it… I guess.
Lovelock: I’ve been robbed of another rise from the grave scene. Robbed I tells ya.
So we meet Kirsten Dunst who is apparently dead girlfriend’s sister. And The Crow immediately goes on a manhunt for the people that framed him. He starts with a random junkie, and then moves on to a crooked pedophile rapist cop. The rest on the list are also crooked cops. Apparently the crooked cops hang out counting their crooked money in the upstairs of a shady sex club. A crooked sex club, obviously.
Lovelock: None of the actors in this film look tough at all. Is it just me? No one is menacing.
Starkwell: Nah, I feel the same way. Hell, even The Crow looks like he wants to help me pick out linens at Sears.
Lovelock: This is what The Crow would be if he was played by Michael Cera, or Jesse Eisenberg.
I think Starkwell said something about how everyone looked like Mormon accountants. Makes sense since this was filmed in Salt Lake, apparently. Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst finds out who The Crow really is, and starts to believe his story.
[The Captain is apparently involved.]
Lovelock: Remo Williams is a bad guy?
Starkwell: He’s Scar-Arm?
[The captain is played by Fred Ward.]
Kirsten Dunst finds out that her father knew about all of thsi shit, the whole crooked cop thing. Maybe her dad is Scar-Arm. The main problem that Starkwell and Lovelock have with the film is that, much like in the shitty sequel and UNLIKE the original classic, we don’t give a shit about the main characters, AT ALL. Not The Crow, not Dunst, NO ONE. The film makers made no effort to develop any characters ever forever, NEVER. Anyways, The Crow figures it all out, goes to the sex club and kills everyone, leaving only Remo. Eventually he finds Remo, her crazy girlfriend and their weird torture chamber. Seriosuly? He catches Remo and brings him to the electric chair. Remo dies, The Crow wins, and the audience loses about an hour and a half. The end.