Army of the Dead.

I don’t know if it is meant to look like the cover of “Army of Darkness”, but it sort of does.  Probably, they’re trying to force people to buy it accidentally.  I bought it on purpose in an attempt to further torture and annoy Starkwell and Lovelock.  I’m hoping it’s full of stop-motion animation of skeletons swinging swords.


[A bunch of Spanish Conquistadors get killed by Skeleton Warriors…I think.]

Starkwell: Wait so is all of the action going to be shown as shadows on cave walls?

Lovelock: Why would the skeletons need to use flaming arrows?  In a cave?  At close range?

[So… yeah… not stop-motion.]


Then it cuts to present day, where a bunch of college kids (or T.A.s… I’m not sure) are going on some kind of dune buggy race through the desert.  With some of their professors.  Yeah.  At one point one of the professors tells the story of a camper who got killed by Zombie Skeleton Warriors ‘round these here parts looking for the lost gold.  The effects looked, real bad.  So obviously, the next day, the professor separates from the group hunting for the treasure.


[Main character’s ex girlfriend, or some bitch he had an affair with or something, is part of the group.]

Starkwell: Because, this movie wasn’t lame enough, we needed to add a trampy ex lover.

Lovelock: Bitches be crazy.


[Professor and some hired… mercenaries (?) go into a cave.]

Lovelock: That looks like the exhibits when you wait in line for a ride at an amusement park.

Starkwell: It probably is.

Lovelock: Shot on location, Universal Studios Florida.  Islands of Adventure.

[They find the gold, mercenaries turn guns on the professor.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never trust mercenaries.

Starkwell: Solid reason.


So basically the Zombie Skeletons show up looking like the computer effects in a mattress commercial and kill everybody.  Then later they show up at the camp and bombard it with flaming arrows!  Bad CGI explosions everywhere!


Starkwell: A flaming arrow landing beside the car wouldn’t explode the car.

Lovelock: Zombie Skeletons wouldn’t be able to groan without vocal cords either, but I think it’s time to suspend our disbelief.  And stop watching.


Eventually they find a place to hide, but the Skeletons find them and kill everyone except the main character and his girl.  It turns out the only way to stop Zombie Skeletons is with a really big electric shock.  It’s going to take them a while to forgive me for this one.

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