True love is often tested. Rarely, if ever, has it been tested by having the dude become a zombie and start eating people. Which brings us to this minor indie gem from the early two thousandies, wherein that is exactly what the young married couple are faced with. The menu starts up and fittingly loops “Stand By Your Man”. Lovelock and Starkwell are excited… I think. As the credits play, we hear munching, chewing and slurping sounds. I believe Lovelock shouted out “GROSS.”
[Young couple, Denise and Danny, leave their shotgun wedding, head to their uncle’s Jersey Shore house and bone lots.]
Starkwell: Lately you are a whole lot less patient when it comes to these movies.
[Zombie walks out of the water, collapses onto Danny, pins him down, vomits black tar all over his face and in his mouth, then dies. Danny seems, well… horrified and sick.]
Lovelock: OPPOSITE OF BORING.
Starkwell: See dude, if you just give it like five minutes, LITERALLY only five minutes.
[Danny dies in the hospital.]
Lovelock: That’s why I will NEVER go to the Jersey Shore.
Starkwell: Yeah… that’s why.
Lovleock: Well, that and Snookie and shit.
[Danny comes back to life.]
Lovelock: Danny is a zombie! Also, he kind of looks like John Mayer.
Lovelock: It's a Jersey thing.
[Couple starts doing it, Danny gets a little aggressive…]
Starkwell: I’m, well… uncomfortable.
Lovelock: "Your body is a wonderlaaannnnd…"
Starkwell: You only get one. And you just used it.
Anyways, there’s this whole side story where Denise and Danny decide to drop their life, quit their jobs, give up their apartments and just wander the world and move to Portugal. While they start to plan this out… a cop comes by and tells them that Danny’s hospital roommate went missing, out of the blue. Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly waiting for shit to get crazy. It didn’t take long.
[Denise comes home, finds Danny eating some stranger, Denise tries to run, Danny convinces her to stay, saying “I won’t eat you because I love you”.]
Lovelock: True love or not… NOTHING would make me stay at that point.
Starkwell: She might be the dumbest person ever. This is WAY past the whole “in sickness and in health” nonsense.
There’s a pretty silly cleaning montage right before their two friends come over. And then they just act like all is well. “Denise and Danny are going to Portugal!” What’s more, it turns out that Denise and Danny are vegetarians.
[Denise gets mad at Danny for wanting a steak at the restaurant.]
Starkwell: She should be happy he wants something OTHER than humans.
Lovelock: Seriously. She seems more upset about the steak than about the rando guy he killed and ate…
Starkwell: I guess the honeymoon’s over.
Lovelock: Damn hippies.
Danny gets worse and worse. Now he just starts eating people right out of the blue, right in front of Denise. Then he runs away and eats a dude outside a video store. Lovelock and Starkwell are both having trouble buying that ANYONE would stand by their man in this particular case. Denise and Danny hope to leave for Portugal in the morning. The cops seem to be starting to suspect Danny, sort of… Even Denise is FINALLY starting to trust Danny a little less.
[Denise and Danny slow dance while they stare at each other, realizing they are basically fucked.]
Lovelock: You might even say that they are "slow dancing in a burning room".
[Their friends come over, Danny is decomposing rapidly, Danny eats one of them.]
Lovelock: She could probably get a quicky annulment… I mean eating people MUST qualify her for that.
Denise still has her candle light dinner with Danny. She gets all dressed up and everything. Danny is starting to look disgusting. The friend that Danny didn’t eat ends up bringing the cops to the house, cops that Danny ends up eating. Then Danny eats the other friend. Lovelock said something somewhat incomprehensible, but I think it was “awesome sauce”. I couldn’t tell because he screamed it while doing a cartwheel.
[Danny goes full zombie and goes after Denise, pins her down and is about to vomit the black tar in her face/mouth, but at the last second, he turns away, does it on the wall.]
Lovelock: Dude! Weak! You’re supposed to pay it forward. I don’t believe in nothing anymore.
Denise throws Danny’s corpse in the pool, and I guess is gonna take off for Portugal. Pregnant? Hopefully with a zombie baby… This was the director’s one and only film. You could seriously do a whole lot worse. Maybe he wanted to quit while he was ahead.