The Children.

Not to be confused by an early eighties zombie film of the same name, “The Children” follows the ‘at that time’ mini trend of trying to turn children into scary as balls monsters.  Usually this involves sounds of them singing lullabies with heavy reverb, or saying stuff that’s really cute followed by “TO KILL YOU” and shit.  For the most part, these movies always turn out lame, partly because, “seriously? kids?”, and partly because child actors are hardly ever convincing.


[We get introduced to a family, the teenage daughter obviously hates everyone.]

Starkwell: The daughter and the mother look like they’re the same age.

Lovelock: Also… are we really supposed to buy that THAT teenage girl likes playing video games?

Starkwell: They’re drinking and smoking and talking about rough sex right in front of the kids?

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[Starkwell looked it up, and there is only about 12 years separating the two actresses.]

Starkwell: I guess they’re supposed to be close in age… the classic ‘originally unwanted baby’ syndrome.


One of the kids, Paul, slaps his stepfather in the face.  Maybe this is the beginning of the violence?  Lovelock certainly hopes so.  Either way, that douchebag deserved it.


[Stepfather guy talks about wanting to teach his kids Mandarin.]

Lovelock: Serious elitist Eurotrash.


One of the uncles is REALLY giving off a creepy molesty vibe with the teenage daughter.  Even just the hint of him being a perv has Starkwell STEAMING mad.  Also, the fact that the teenage daughter’s parents are clearly self absorbed selfish assholes, who put themselves first ALL OF THE TIME, is not helping with Starkwell’s rage.


Starkwell: Maybe they just want us to hate the grown-ups so we’ll root for the kids when they start getting their murder on.

Lovelock: They don’t need to try so hard.  I’d root for them anyways,


The mood is definitely set.  Looks like this one might take a while to get going since, on this first night, the creepiest thing we get is a shot of Paul watching his parents sleep.  The next day Paul sends a toboggan flying at his unsuspecting dad.  The dad reacts by spanking the crap out of him.  Meanwhile the other kids, Leah and Nicky, seem to be getting sick, and coughing up blood, and also TOTALLY messing with the one little girl, Miranda, who doesn’t seem in on it yet.  It’s all very creepy.


Lovelock: Paul, time to take it up a notch.  Please throw a knife at him next time.

[Teenage daughter goes to smoke weed with pervy uncle who stares at her legs and bare stomach.]

Starkwell: I hope Paul goes for him second.


Miranda starts having horrifying visions and now she is sick too and starts FREAKING OUT and then she attacks her hippy aunt.  Paul seems to be the evil puppet master.  Anyways, it’s a little hard to watch because Miranda WON’T STOP SCREAMING and now her father is trying to hold her down and shut her up.  Basically it’s incredibly tense and stressful and both Lovelock and Starkwell sit quietly on the edge of their seats until the kids work together to force their uncle’s face into a pitchfork (minutes later he dies), at which point Starkwell screamed a little and Lovelock nervously farted like a lawnmower.


Lovelock: The lesson is, don’t be a pervert with your teenage niece.

Starkwell: That is at least one lesson.


The acting all works.  The writing and directing is creepy as shit.  Seriously.  SO CREEPY.  The kids don’t take long before they start tormenting all of the adults.  Miranda is still stuck in between.  She hasn’t joined the evil kids yet, but seems to know what’s going on.  But then Paul gets impaled on a glass shard by his Teenage Sister, and I think Miranda turns.


[Teenage Girl finds Miranda killing the cat.]

Lovelock: Aww… they killed the cat?  Now I don’t know whose side I’m on.

Starkwell: Teenage Daughter?

Lovelock: Sure, I guess.


Anyways, Starkwell and Lovelock don’t say much more throughout the rest of this one.  They kind of just sit and watch the movie play out, silently horrified.  ‘Evil kids’ is one thing… but this movie shows the ‘Evil Kids’ brutally murdering people, and then in turn, shows people brutally murdering the ‘Evil Kids’.  I mean, they just look like normal kids, so visually, it’s totally fucked.  So yeah, this one ends on a hyper depressing note.  Also, we see that there a whole shitload of ‘Evil Kids’ in the woods… so I don’t know if that means the world is over… or… who knows?


  1. Anonymous00:59

    Have you ever heard of Beware, Children at Play? That was another killer kid film that had a hilariously unexpected ending! Just when you're wishing that the adults would just get the movie over an done with and kill the evil cannnibal kids...well...

    1. Never heard of it... I'll look it up.