There are almost as many Friday the 13th films as there are James Bond films, and with almost as many writers and directors. Having seen the first five, I’ve filled Starkwell and Lovelock in on what they missed. Basically that there is a dude named Jason who likes killing people and died in the last movie. Now, while there was indeed an impressive “rise from the grave” scene at the very beginning of the fifth film, it turned out to be only a dream for main character Tommy. It also turned out to be the only good scene in the film. When a film’s best scene has Corey Feldman in it, you know you’re in trouble. “New Beginning”? More like false start. Boom! Anyways, the sixth film will feature an ACTUAL Jason “rise from the grave” scene, as well as a subsequently undead Jason Effin’ Voorhees. Good enough? “Yes”, replied Starkwell and Lovelock. A resounding yes.
[Tommy, different actor, same character, heads to the graveyard to see Jason’s body, and make sure he’s really dead. It’s almost as if the film is trying to erase "part V", and replace it with this one. The Tommy we all saw in "part V" NEVER EXISTED. Apparently.]
Lovelock: Considering the history and all, and that Jason was a known killer, they certainly gave him a nice tombstone.
Tommy starts digging in the dirt and opens the coffin to reveal a worm infested corpse that he then starts stabbing repeatedly with a crowbar.
[Lightning strikes Jason, and he is brought back to life.]
Lovelock: That’s why I never try to dig up the corpses of mass murderers.
Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.
Anyways, then Lovelock played air guitar and did jump kicks while Zombie Jason rips Tommy’s friend’s heart out of his chest, and then puts the mask on.
[Random shot of Jason walking against a black backdrop, swinging his machete, and then they show title.]
Lovelock: It’s like those James Bond opening scenes where he turns and shoots the camera... only with more kill power and excessive amounts of awesome.
Starkwell: Something like that.
Then Tommy runs immediately to the police to tell them what happened and he gets arrested because they assume he’s crazy and they don’t believe him. Meanwhile Jason terrorizes and kills people and Lovelock cheers loud and often.
[Introducing lame teenagers.]
Lovelock: That dude is wearing a LOT of make-up.
Starkwell: And a sweet pair of ripped-up acid-washed Mom-Jeans.
Turns out Jason put Tommy’s friend into his now empty coffin, so the next day when the Drunk Grave Digger sees it, he just assumes someone dug up the grave to get a look at Jason, and fills it back in so no one will ever know! He doesn’t want to lose his job! Then Jason kills some weekend warrior paintball dudes with his now super strength (?). Lovelock tried to high five Starkwell, but Starkwell left him hanging, begging “what’s the point?” to which Lovelock enthusiastically answered “to see Jason rock the shit”. I don’t know what that means.
Lovelock: The guy playing Jason has some serious hooters… also two bullet holes exactly where his nips would be. That can’t be accidental.
The gore is virtually non-existent, but nonetheless, Jason is still racking up an impressive body count. But Starkwell’s right… when you introduce characters for no reason other than to be meat for Jason’s machete, it’s getting to be a little silly. Thirty minutes in, and we are up to about ten people introduced only to be killed. Lovelock ain’t complaining.
[Worst simulated sex ever filmed.]
Lovelock: At least the sweat looks real…
Starkwell: Judging by the music, maybe they’re just doing an aerobic workout?
Lovelock: Nobody bounces that much during sex. Or wears that much underwear.
[Jason interrupts trailer sex, eventually kills them.]
Lovelock: Well, we did just get the best line in the movie, “Hey what are you doing back there? Taking a dump?” A real Casanova.
Starkwell: I liked the deputy’s line “Wherever the red light goes, ya bang.” It barely makes any sense.
[Anyways, the humpers are dead.]
After about fifteen people are killed all over and around town, the police FINALLY start realizing something is going on, but OBVIOUSLY assume that it’s Tommy.
[Sheriff’s Daughter, Megan, tries to help Tommy get away in her Corvette… she makes him bury his head in her lap, to hide from the police roadblock.]
Starkwell: Is it really necessary to show us TWO close-ups of her camel-toe?
Lovelock: Well, it is the eighties. Considering this film's lack of the usual gratuitous '80s T&A, a fully clothed crotch shot is actually pretty risque.
Starkwell: Also, horrifyingly stupid.
[Megan pulls the deputy’s gun on him, frees Tommy from jail.]
Starkwell: Now, I know I’m already suspending my disbelief quite a bit, but the deputy couldn’t honestly believe that Megan might actually shoot him, could he?
Lovelock: Wherever the red dot goes… YA BANG!
Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that it was pretty fucked up that there were kids at the camp, but the cops showed up in time to prevent Jason from killing any of them. The cops, on the other hand, got mostly killed, mostly.
[Sheriff repeatedly shoots Jason, who keeps getting back up to come after him.]
Starkwell: You would think he’d learn after the third or fourth shot…
Lovelock: You know what they say… fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, JASON LIVES!
[Megan searches for her Dad, screams his name over and over again.]
Starkwell: When hiding from a killer, it is probably NOT considered a good strategy to scream like a lunatic out in the open.
[Sheriff is folded in half.]
Lovelock: Haha! Too late, Megan!
Starkwell: Dude, that’s cold.
Lovelock: If I can't celebrate Jason folding a guy in half, then what's the point?
Anyways, Tommy lures Jason out into the water, and for whatever reason sets fire to the water around his boat. Tommy chains a boulder to Jason’s neck and sends him to the bottom of the lake. I guess the fire on the lake is supposed to be all 'Lake of Fire', symbolizing he is sending Jason to Hell? Pretty fucking thin. “Yeah… that’ll hold him”, quips Starkwell, sarcastically. Eventually Jason gets a propeller to the face and the kids all cheer when Megan’s weak-ass CPR on Tommy brings him back. The end… FOR NOW!