Son of legendary Italian director Mario Bava, Lamberto Bava had large shoes to fill. Whether or not he has ever really filled them, I will leave up to you to decide. What I will now leave it up to Starkwell and Lovelock to decide what to think of and say about Lamberto’s often revered “Demons” from 1985. It was co-written by Dario Argento, among other names, and judging by the music playing over the opening credits, we are in for one hell of a nutty ride.
[Girl sees weird cyborg man following her.]
Lovelock: Man, James Cameron TOTALLY ripped this off for “The Terminator”.
Starkwell: Dude, this was made after, I think you have this backwards.
Lovelock: It’s not a tumor!
Starkwell: Now you even have the wrong movie…
Lovelock: You sonofa bitch.
[Girls skip class to go to MYSTERY MOVIE.]
Starkwell: Why would a pimp bring two of his ‘girls’ to see a movie at some weird avant-garde theatre?
Lovelock: I don’t know, but given that they are the only African-American characters, it’s a little sketchy.
Starkwell: The movie within the movie looks has better production value than the actual movie.
The characters all seemed pretty despicable, the worst being the woman accompanying her blind husband to the film, who then proceeds to make out with and be fingered by a guy sitting beside her while her blind husband listens to the movie and asks “What’s going on? Are you scared?” Lovelock and Starkwell both wondered “Wait, does she know the guy, or is he just a stranger?” It takes a while to get to the point, but basically the hooker that put on the demon mask before the movie is going to become a demon and ‘spread pestilence’. Starkwell started on about themes of prostitutes spreading disease, but he quickly shut up when Lovelock kicked him in the nuts and the hooker exploded into a pussy demon. Wait, that can’t be the right word. I mean that she is a demon that oozes puss from her wound and mouth, not that she is a vagina demon of some kind.
[Girl tears through movie screen as she becomes a demon, audience is horrified.]
Starkwell: And like that, we are shown that the movie, has indeed sprung to life, come off of the screen, and entered reality. The evil that –
Lovelock: SHUT UP.
[Crotchety old guy is the first to go.]
Lovelock: And that’s why you should never shush people at the movies.
Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.
Then there was a super cheesy metal song that started playing, and as all hell broke loose, Lovelock played air guitar and Starkwell played the air drums. An underrated “air” instrument, he feels.
[All the characters start screaming that they need to STOP THE MOVIE.]
Starkwell: During most movies, that would be a great set-up for me to say something like “I know how they feel”, but I’d like to see this one through.
Lovelock: Can we talk about the bad over dubbing?
Starkwell: What is there to talk about?
Lovelock: Yeah, I guess I already said what needs to be said. There's bad dubbing.
Starkwell: Why would they want to stop the movie? If the movie is playing out in reality, wouldn’t they want to watch the movie to see if there’s a way to stop the evil?
Lovelock: That’s the kind of logic that escapes even the smartest of mobs. This is definitely not the smartest of mobs.
They find a secret room hidden behind the walls and the women inexplicably go insane. Then it cuts really quickly to them chilling out back in the theatre. Then the worst punks ever, high off coke, beat up the two worst police officers ever and escape INTO the demon theatre. Lovelock and Starkwell both laughed for several minutes.
[Teenage couple try to escape out of the air ducts.]
Starkwell: Why would she say “THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA”?
Lovelock: To emphasize to us, the viewer that it was, in fact, an awful idea.
Starkwell: Well, at least they’ll be dead soon.
[Kathy splits in half, super demon comes out.]
Lovelock: I think there needs to be a scene like that in every movie.
Starkwell: Yeah… not sure you can squeeze that into any movie.
Lovelock: Name one.
Starkwell: “City Slickers”.
Lovelock: Oh man, easy! Palance is dead with his eyes open, he splits in half, super demon comes out and they spend the rest of the movie fighting demons instead of driving cattle. Boom. Done. Norman escapes with his life.
Starkwell: I don’t know if audiences would have gone for that.
Lovelock: Great gobs of gooseshit!
[Slow motion shot of dude #1 chopping off dude #2’s head.]
Starkwell: Samurai swords and motorcycles? Is it possible this movie just got more ridiculous?
Lovelock: Samurai swords and motorcycles? Is it possible this movie just got more FUCKING AMAZING?
Starkwell: So the coked out punks served no real purpose?
Lovelock: Dude, they let blind guy demon out of the theatre. I assume that means that the city is on fire by now.
Starkwell: Good call, let’s hope you’re right.
Starkwell: Lucky for her, the random guy that wanted a piece of her turned out to be good with swords and grappling hooks.
[Terminator face returns to kill them.]
Lovelock: So it’s Phantom of the Opera?
Starkwell: It’s fucking stupid is what it is.
Starkwell: So they’re not going to tell us Terminator’s connection to all of this? And what ever happened to the Super Demon that exploded out of Kathy’s back?
Lovelock: Dude, it’s called Demons, not Explanations.
They left it open for a sequel, which we know exists. So maybe some of Starkwell’s questions will be answered then. But I hope he isn’t going to sit with that confused look on his face until then, because that could get annoying.
[TWIST ENDING MAIN GIRL IS A DEMON.]
Lovelock: Hooray, everyone dies except motorcycle samurai!
Starkwell: I hope the sequel is all him all the time.
I’m sure it isn’t. But let’s keep their hopes up anyways.