I Am Omega.

There are a handful of mockbuster production companies out there, but arguably the current king is ‘The Asylum’.  “Da Vinci Code” becomes “Da Vinci Treasure”, “Tranformers” turn “Transmorphers”, hell even “Battle: Los Angeles” becomes “Battle of Los Angeles”.  The whole point is to trick the casual movie renter into thinking that they are renting the ACTUAL blockbuster, when in fact, they are getting the mockbuster.   I know a few people that ended up with the wrong ‘Sherlock Holmes’.  Netflix doesn’t help much.  So here is “I Am Omega”, their take on “I Am Legend” with a dash of the Heston adaptation of Matheson’s book “Omega Man” thrown in for good measure.  Get ready for the shit show boys.


[Dream sequence flashback of an ugly kid with a Mop Top witnessing his mom die a zombie death and then being grabbed… it is unclear if the child is his own, or if it is him as a child.  A later flashback shows that it was his son.]

Lovelock: Oh thank goodness it was just a dream… or waiiiiiit it was a flashback dream!

Starkwell: Is that the guy from “Iron Chef America”?

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he’s not really the Chairman’s Nephew.  Plus, he speaks English just fine!

Starkwell: If he had any actual cooking skills Iron Chef style, it would come in handy in a post-apocalyptic society.

Lovelock: If he’s trying too look like a bad ass, the fluffy robe and socks were a poor choice.


[Training montage.]

Starkwell: Who would fight zombies with a bo-staff and/or nunchuks?

Lovelock: Donatello and Michaelangelo?

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: The Chairman’s Nephew?

Starkwell: Yeah… The secret ingredient is bullshit.


After the laughter died down from the Chairman’s Nephew’s pristine roundhouse air kicks, Starkwell and Lovelock got bored.  Real bored.  And no amount of guys in rubber zombie suits would be able to change that.  Every now and then it fades to black like it’s going to cut to commercials.  Lovelock says “I could go for a commercial right about now”.


Lovelock: “I Am Omega”? More like “I Am Often Out of Focus”.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: More like “I Am Bored”?

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: “I Am Taking Forever to Go Anywhere”?

Starkwell: Yeah, I think that’s the one.


The film oozed onwards, and it wasn’t so bad, I suppose.  But then he meets up with this girl, and it gets worse and worse and worse.  Then there are the token ‘redneck assholes’ and it gets worse and worse and worse.  It’s definitely not a total rip-off of any of the Matheson adaptations… nor is it original or any good at all.  If ever there is such a thing as a cookie cutter post-apocalyptic zombie story starring one guy, this is it, and it sucks.


[Chairman’s Nephew whips out nunchuks.]

Lovelock: Michaelangelo is a party dude…

Starkwell: … ? …



[Chairman’s Nephew uses large pipe like bo-staff.]

Starkwell: Well I’ll be damned, he used both.

Lovelock: Donatello does machines.


The film wraps up, the city explodes, and Chairman’s Nephew gets the girl.  Hooray? Hardly.


Lovelock: A LA CUISINE!


Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead.

In an effort to keep Starkwell and Lovelock on their toes, I have decided to challenge them with what promises to be a ridiculously awful film, Japan’s 2007 entry “Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead”.  I think the title tells us what sort of crap they are in for.


[Girl swimming in pool, feels a presence, like a zombie or something.]

Lovelock: Surprisingly, she seems to swim competently. 

Starkwell: Considering how early we still are in this movie, there have been an alarmingly large number of upskirt shots, and close-ups on schoolgirls in bathing suits.


[Coach beats on girls.]

Starkwell: Thanks heavens my swim coach never walked around in a speedo like that.

Lovelock: Or beat on me.


Somewhere in between all the boobies and bumbums and girls walking around everywhere in bathing suits, most of the school starts simultaneously turning into ultra violent zombies.  There’s a lot of blood and flying body parts, but as Starkwell said, it looks like everything “could have come from Spencers Gifts”.  Nonetheless, Lovelock admitted that he was “grossed out”.  But that could have been because he was eating Greek yogurt at the time.


[Professor Zombie juggles, spits fire, does acrobatics, throws ninja stars.]

Starkwell: Why would a high school teacher be able to do all those circus tricks?

Lovelock: In Japan, the teachers are often trained in the circus arts.

Starkwell: You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?

Lovelock: No, none.  But I bet I had you for a second.

Starkwell: You had me for exactly no seconds.


[Training montage of Ultra Booby Girl.]

Starkwell: This is quite possibly the worst montage that I have ever seen.  WORST PUSHUPS EVER.

Lovelock: It’s hard with those enormous implants weighing her down.


[Girls strip to compare birthmarks.]

Starkwell: How convenient that the marks are on the boob.

Lovelock: She probably paid a lot for them knockers.  She probably wants to show them off.  Awww… Isn’t that adorable.  Now they’re kissing each other near the birthmark.

[Starkwell abruptly leaves during the hardcore lesbian scene.]

Lovelock: Euuuuuuhhh… call me when it gets good.

[Lovelock also leaves when he becomes increasingly uncomfortable.]


You know what? I never called him back into the room.   I almost called him back in to laugh at the fact that after the lesbian love scene, one of the two girls randomly had a classical guitar, in the kitchen, and started to play it.  But no, this movie is a real piece of shit, and it only got worse after they left, full of nonsensical plot devices, twists, turns, flutes with supersex powers and, of course, vagina lasers.  As a swimmer, I’m offended.  As a zombie film enthusiast, I’m simply horrified.


Lovelock: I need to get me one of them flutes.


The Man With Two Lives.

If not for box sets that combine a whole ton of random old movies, some films would likely be forgotten forever.  In some cases, the film is probably best left forgotten, but at times, long lost gems are unearthed.  Anyways, let’s let Allen Starkwell and Lionel Lovelock see if this moving picture from the forties is a gem or a dud.  The good news is, if it’s a dud, it’s only about an hour long.



Starkwell: I feel a little sea sick.

Lovelock: Life in the forties was shakier, full of motion sickness and scratches.

Starkwell: That didn’t make any sense.

Lovelock: Didn’t it?

Starkwell: No.  No, it didn’t.


[Engagement party.]

Lovelock: Am I crazy, or is this the worst party ever?

Starkwell: You’re not crazy.  Half of these people look like they want to kill themselves.

Lovelock: Yeah, and the other half already look dead.  From boredom.

Starkwell: I know how they feel.


They began to doze off, but then there was a surprisingly high speed car crash killing Philip, the groom-to-be, and they woke up laughing and commenting about the dangers of fiddling with radio knobs while driving towards a truck really fast.  Then Philip is brought back to life in the lamest mad scientist resurrection scene ever filmed.  Lovelock lost all hope.  Starkwell kept hoping for some social commentary to creep in.


[Philip has amnesia.]

Lovelock: Apparently in the forties, the undead were basically the same as they were before death, except they don’t remember much, and are quite grouchy.

Starkwell: Sounds more like an alcoholic.  And now he is at the bar – drinking.  Maybe the film is trying to comment on alcoholism, and how it can affect the people around you.

Lovelock: Well, it’s a considerably less severe side effect then eating people. And a lot less fun to watch. 

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: That’s why I never drink.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… wait… you do drink.

Lovelock: Yeah but not like people in the nineteen forties.


Then Philip started hanging out with bad dudes, and shooting people, and hitting on loose women.  It’s like he has TWO LIVES.  Starkwell liked the idea enough, and assumes that Philip is just downward spiralling into the pit of alcoholism, saying “I assume all of this is because of cursed alcohol.  In fact, he was probably drunk while driving the night that he crashed.”  Lovelock just said something about how much this all sucks.


[Philip chokes woman.]

Lovelock: Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch?

Starkwell: I love that as she is being choked she says, quite matter of factly, “your hands are on my neck, you’re choking me.”

Lovelock: Well how else would we know what is happening, since the director decided to pan over to the desk?


Then there was a lengthy discussion between the three oldest actors ever involving the soul, and the transmigration of the soul that put Lovelock to sleep.  Sometime after watching a shootout between Philip and to coppers, Starkwell turned to sleeping Lovelock and woke him up by shouting “SOUL TRANSMIGRATION” in is face.  Lovelock did not find it very funny.  Then the old fogies discovered that the Panini Serial Killer guy was executed on the night that they revived Philip.  And they all look at each other and thought SOUL TRANSMIGRATION.  Then Philip killed some people, and one of the old guys kills Philip.



Starkwell: Wait… there was no transmigration of the soul?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: Is he an alcoholic?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: So there's no actual re-animated corpse?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.


Then it abruptly said THE END for a half a second and the DVD stops.  Lovelock let out a small but meaningful scream and Starkwell just sat there wondering what the point was.  Answer: There was none.


Blue Sunshine.

Writer-Director Jeff Lieberman put out a few films over the years, one of which was the often overlooked 1973 film “Blue Sunshine”.  Although not traditionally considered a zombie film, I stick this one into the underrated ‘zombieless zombie movie’ category, with movies like Romero’s “The Crazies” or Rollin’s “Les Raisins de la Mort”.  As I hit play on the DVD, it opens with a message from the British Board of Film Censors, telling us that this picture is rated ‘X’.  Hopefully for EXTREME.


[Wendy sees her ex husband on TV.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never date public figures.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Oh snap, her hair is falling out!


[Creepy husband stares down wife, parrot lands on his shoulder.]

Starkwell: And… cut to shot of the moon?

Lovelock: Starkwell, I’m scared.


[Dude sings at party. Someone rips off the wig that he was apparently wearing.]

Starkwell: The eye close-ups are terrifying.

Lovelock: All his hair falls off, he goes running into the woods, and no one wants to go looking for him?  With friends like these who needs friends.

[Baldy Crazy beats up the girls and sets one on fire and throws her into the fireplace.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: … with friends like that who needs friends indeed.


As the main character gets framed for the murders, Starkwell is already praising the acting, the writing, the directing, the soundtrack… the whole damn thing.  Lovelock told him to shut up and watch.


[Wendy finds a shitload of hair in her drain.]

Starkwell: GROSS!

Lovelock: SHE’S TURNING!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Main character Zipkin goes all Nancy Drew / Psychic / AWESOME trying to get to the bottom of this whole bald crazy people thing.  Starkwell and Lovelock were pretty much quietly playing air guitar while watching.  As the story continued to unfold, an Zipkin tried to find the meaning of “Blue Sunshine”, they decided that if they started a band, it would be called “Blue Sunshine”.


[Car chase, Zipkin drives a Bronco up an insanely steep hill.]

Lovelock: That hill was like ninety degrees.

Starkwell: How the hell did they do that?

Lovelock: That's why I drive a Bronco.

Starkwell: Yeah, that's why.  Wait.  You don't drive a Bronco.

Lovelock: Not that you know about.


Zipkin figured out that 'Blue Sunshine' was the name of some acid that all the bald crazies took ten years before when they all went to Stanford together and is now turning them into homicidal maniacs and Starkwell and Lovelock’s minds exploded.  Full exploded.  Kaboom.


[Bald Crazy beats up people on the dance floor.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never go to dance clubs.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and because one time they didn't let me in with cargo pants on.


[Zipkin chases crazy Baldy through a department store.]

Lovelock: All the mannequins are bald! He’s screwed.

Starkwell: This movie is genius.


The movie ends with some info flashed on the screen that makes it seem like this was all true.  Before Starkwell had time to explain to Lovelock that this was just part of the film, Lovelock promptly shit his pants.  Fantastic film.


Flight of the Living Dead.

Some movies are obviously made to try and cash in on growing trends and make a quick buck.  Think of all the vampire caca currently coming out of the woodwork.  Well somewhere midway through the last decade, the popularity of the zombie took off (and is currently cruising around a million feet, for better or for worse).  Well, this “Flight” film actually tried to cash in on two trends at the time.  The increase in zombie interest and the smash unexpected success of a movie about snakes on a plane, called, well, “Snakes on a Plane.”  “Outbreak on a Plane”?  For Pete’s sake… Thankfully this plane trend never really took off otherwise we’d have werewolves on a plane, maybe witches on a plane, and especially right now, vampires on a plane.  Although I’m not quite sure how they would protect themselves from the sun.  I should mention that this was another DVD I got at a bargain bin place in Quebec, so, it’s badly dubbed in French, with no English audio option.  


[Three flight attendants talk about partying and like, dudes.]

Starkwell: What airline would have three flight attendants that look that good?

Lovelock: Airlines in a film.


[Some sort of military guy in HASMAT gear watches a bin of some kind.]

Starkwell: What airline would have military experiments on board a regular passenger flight?

Lovelock: Airlines in this film.


The film seems to have a decent budget with semi-recognizable faces.  But Starkwell is having a lot of trouble getting past the incredibly predictable passenger list.  I believe at one point he said “of course there’s a convict handcuffed to a US Marshal.”  Lovelock shouted “that dude was in ‘No Escape’!”  Then they stopped watching for a while because they started talking about “Con Air” for some reason and imitating Cage’s HORRENDOUS southern accent from said film.


[Tiger Woods guy is in first class, wife complains about hearing about golf.]

Starkwell: If she doesn’t want to hear about golf, why would she marry a pro golfer.

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for her to be dead.

Starkwell: How did he get that golf club through security?


Then they went back to doing bad Nicolas Cage impersonations.  Oh also, there’s a Japanese businessman on board.  And a nun.  And horny teenagers.  And ROGUE PENTAGON SCIENTISTS.  But at least, as Lovelock said, “they don’t waste any time ‘cause I suspect the zombies is comin’!”  Then HASMAT guy sprays machine gun fire all over the cargo bay.  Starkwell rolls his eyes.  Lovelock then recognized an actor from a late eighties cop show called HARDBALL and spent several minutes trying to remember what the premise of the show was.  Consequently, they missed a whole bunch of movie.


[Still no zombies since that first one.]

Lovelock: I take back what I said… they are wasting a lot of time.

Starkwell: Yeah, I definitely feel like I’m wasting my time.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they are trying to make it about the characters…

Starkwell: Too bad the characters all suck.


The zombie action eventually picked up, and all the characters that we hate the most seem to die first.  So, at least the film does that right.


Lovelock: As long as they’re going to cast a pilot that looks exactly like the pilot from “Airplane!” couldn’t they have made him have funny dialogue?

Starkwell: Umm…

Lovelock: Do you like gladiator movies?

Starkwell: I can tell you that I don’t like this movie.


[Survivors make a bomb and explode the zombie nest.]

Starkwell: First of all, why would the zombies nest like that?  Second, how can you explode the inside of the plane and still be flying?  Third, who is flying the plane, since both pilots are dead?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the movie was written by drunken teenagers.  On napkins.

Starkwell: All I know is that I wish real planes were as durable as this one.  They just shot a missile at it, and it’s still kicking.  And yeah, of course the convict knows how to fly and land the plane, in the desert, on fire.

Lovelock: That’s like the first thing they teach you in prison.


This is cookie cutter zombie fare at its cookie cutterest.  Except, you know, on a plane.  The movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock were all like [...] “what a pile of shit” [...]  "totally" [...].  I won’t lie, the bad dubbing enhances the viewing experience, but even this unintentional uniqueness can’t elevate this movie above the realm of predictability and stupidity wherein it lies.  Still… good for a laugh.  Salut.  A la prochaine.


Snake People.

Boris Karloff stars in this film that manages to currently sneak its way into virtually every one of those zillion movies in one DVD box sets.  I kid you not, I think I have three versions of this film.  All of them are of the piss poorest quality, and feature no real menu or information about the film, except for a short synopsis, none of which seem to describe the same film.  But they all say Boris Karloff.  Starkwell, Lovelock, prepare yourselves.


[Opening shot of a map, and a guy talking about voodoo.]

Starkwell: I guess they want to establish where we are going, you know, geographically.

Lovelock: Couldn’t they have afforded a nicer map?


Lovelock: Why is it all voodoo masters wear a top hat and those weird little round sunglasses?

Starkwell: Maybe they all meet up and agree on a uniform.

[Then they really chopped the head off of a chicken and there was blood and it was kind of fucked up.]


Then the credits rolled over a still shot of what we are all assuming is Colonel Sanders, or possibly a young Orville Redenbacher, and Starkwell noticed an absurd amount of actors in this movie that have just one name, like JULISSA, SANATON, URINAL, FARFLE II, MARTINIQUE or like, you know, Cher.  Ok, some of those weren’t real.  There is a lot of randomly placed narration, here and there, assumedly because without out it, none of this would make any sense, what with the belly dancing, steel drum players and close-ups on skeleton crotches.


[Introducing Karloff, as CARL VON MOLDY.]

Starkwell: Holy shit... his pants are pulled up high.

Lovelock: Wait, Boris Karloff invented KFC?


[Von Moldy tries to move a mirror with his mind.]

Lovelock: So “Snake People” invented the force?

Starkwell: I don’t see the connection, really…

Lovelock: I’ll tell you what, Karloff is too old, too old to begin the training.


[Main Character Vincent McOpenshirt is tranquilized.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never hang around caves full of crazy voodoo people.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.


With little to no character development, no clear hero, no clear bad guy, no real story, and no real reason to want to continue watching, Starkwell and Lovelock were struggling.  I think the highlight for them was when, as Starkwell said, “the girl finally took that stupid hat off.”  There was a pretty good laugh in the room when Lovelock said to the main character “Hey dude, you missed a button or two there.


[Mini Baron Samedi watches Snake Lady violate Hat Girl with a snake, presumably into her crotchal area.

Starkwell: Well, at least they didn’t actually show it.

Lovelock: I’m not sure that the out of focus close-ups of weird Mini Samedi’s face are any better.

Starkwell: Yeah... it’s better.


[Lesbian kiss, involving Hat Girl, some sort of vision of herself and a snake.]

Lovelock: It was all just… a dream?

Starkwell: I wish me watching this was just a dream.

Lovelock: If it was, I’d be pretty pissed off at my subconscious.


Starkwell, Lovelock and me all left the room then, and came back ten minutes later, to some kind of weird bar makeout scene.  And then these zombie girls ate a guy.  While it was a welcome addition to the film, as Starkwell noted, “It seems a bit out of place.”  The insane close-up of a guy furiously playing the cowbell, on the other hand, was perfectly at home in this completely incomprehensible film.


[Scarf Guy tries to get sexy with yet another zombie girl, and Snake Lady turns her to dust, with her eyes.]

Lovelock: Why couldn’t the movie just be ninety minutes of that?

Starkwell: Why couldn't the move just be over already?

Lovelock: Good point.  Want to rewind and watch that scene again?

Starkwell: No.  No, times a zillion. 


And then, in perhaps the biggest twist of the whole move, Vincent McOpenshirt was actually wearing a closed shirt, and was covering his entire chest.


Lovelock: There should be a version of this movie that just shows Snake Lady melting the zombie with her eyes, followed by Scarf Guy being eaten, and then Von Moldy being set on fire.

Starkwell: A bit short for a director’s cut.

Lovelock: It’s more like an audience cut.

Starkwell: You could cut out Vincent McOpenshirt altogether.

Lovelock: I might keep some of the belly dancing, just for the opening and closing credits.  You know, to set the mood.

Starkwell: I’m in the mood to stop watching this.  Wait... how do you know Von Moldy will be set on fire?

Lovelock: Dare to dream I guess.


Moments later the film ended.  Nothing really made any sense, but the important thing is that when the Mexican General fell into the fire, he exploded everyone into oblivion.  Except Hat Girl and McOpenShirt, who were somehow already outside of the cave.  And roll credits, and goodbye.


Revenge of the Living Dead Girls.

An unofficial sequel to the Rollin “Masterpiece”, this one is directed by Pierre B. Reinhard, which, for all we know is another alias of the infamous French director.  After all, Zombie Lake wasn’t directed under his actual name.  No matter who the director is, the film certainly will turn out to be a challenge to sit through, and Lovelock and Starkwell are ready for the challenge.  Or a least, they think they are. The menu screen shows an option for an ‘alternate ending’, which we just may have to view later.  For now… PLAY MOVIE!


[Trucker picks up injured girl, motorcycle follows.]

Starkwell: She’s pretty trusting to just follow a trucker into an abandoned old tower of some kind.

Lovelock: Shhhhh… apparently rubbing her upper thigh is helping... helping her injuries.

Starkwell: Oh brother…


As the plot began SLOWLY developing, and it turns out that the poisoned milk is making women die, Starkwell and Lovelock spent several minutes trying to decide of the film was originally filmed in French or not.  Either way, they agree that the overdubbing is hilarious, the acting is atrocious, and the mood is lightly pornographic.


[Captain Motorcycle disposes of The Company’s toxic waste in the ‘middle of nowhere’.]

Starkwell: So, apparently the middle of nowhere is directly on top of the recently deceased’s graves?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

Starkwell: So it just happens to be the three that died from tainted milk?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.


So basically there’s a dude that went and had sex with the woman that the living dead girls had just killed with a heel to the eye, but he never realized that she was dead, until THE NEXT DAY, when the Evil Secretary told him that she was dead, as she tried to get the sexy sex out of him.  He doesn't even seem disturbed that he had sex with a corpse last night, and then left... the corpse.  I guess he doesn’t mind when the girls don’t say anything, or move at all.  A little while later, the living dead girls bit a guy’s penis off, to which Starkwell said something along the lines of “Oh fuck off” and left the room.  Lovelock stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the film.


Lovelock: It must be nice to have such smooth and perfect hand when your face is all decayed and rotten.  Actually, the decaying face part of it probably isn’t very nice at all, granted it would make the hands appear even smoother.


Then the Chemist was referring to the chemical burn on his hand, and holding his hand up and there was CLEARLY no burn on his hand.  Apparently they didn’t bother with the makeup.  Then the Chemist tried to explain what was going on, and NOTHING ADDS UP.  Ordinarily movies have the occasional continuity issue, like a drink changing hands, or a button being done, then undone.  But this film's continuity errors are so in your face, it almost makes it awesome.  Almost.   Lovelock started laughing, and I’m pretty sure he kept laughing until the awkward lesbian scene (that ended with sword-into-the-vagina death) silenced him.  Then during the horrifying INSTANT miscarriage in the shower scene, Lovelock decided he was done with this movie and walked out.  I think he was still watching from the other room though, because he came back in when Captain Motorcycle was TOXIC WASTED.  Then the movie ended all of a sudden and Lovelock let out an awkward laugh.


Zombie Death House.

Prison. Zombies. John Saxon stars and directs.  A DVD that comes with a certificate warning that it may, in fact, shock me to death.  Expectations are flying high in the room here, and I can’t help but feel like this 1987 film can’t possibly deliver everything that Starkwell and Lovelock are hoping to get from it.  Let’s hope it at least gets an ‘A’ for effort.  Failing that, hopefully they’ll get some good laughs out of it.


[Bizarre montage, awkwardly cut.]

Starkwell: It takes a special movie to pull off a montage as an opening scene.  This does not seem to be a special movie.

Lovelock: I’m more confused than anything.  Is he banging the mobster’s girlfriend, or is that a flashback?

Starkwell: I think that shot of the jungle was Vietnam.

Lovelock: Maybe that was a flashback.

Starkwell: Umm… well, yeah.


The movie seems to be throttling forward at breakneck speeds, including some kind of elaborate plot to eventually get the main character, Derek, into prison.  It’s awkwardly paced, edited in a peculiar way and random narration and slow-motion shots cause Starkwell to become increasingly uncomfortable.


[Enter the Saxon.]

Lovelock: Oh man, Roper is up to his old tricks.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?


Once Derek gets to prison the movie still doesn’t really slow down at all, but one thing that Starkwell noted was that “are we supposed to be rooting for anyone?”  Lovelock said he’s rooting for John Saxon.


[Dr. Saxon calls up the biochemical engineer that worked on the zombie virus, who is apparently a reporter now.  Because that is the usual career path for scientists.]

Starkwell: Extra, extra, read all about it… this movie blows.

Lovelock: Maybe you’re not watching it properly.  Focus on the awesome.

Starkwell: Where?

Lovelock: Dude… it’s everywhere.

[Prison guard rapes Pretty Boy in his bum.]

Lovelock: Ok, well… not there.


[Reporters show up, five of them, in an old cheap car.]

Starkwell: What did they do, carpool to the scene?


Once the inmates organize themselves and start making demands, the movie slows down.  The fact that the first half of the film moved so quickly makes it so that when it slows down, it feels extra slow.  By the time the zombie mayhem started up, it was too late, Starkwell was already fast asleep.


[The Warden tries to wrestle the pick axe out of Moretti’s hands.]

Lovelock: He just handed the pick axe to him a minute ago.  If he wanted the pick axe, why didn’t he use it when he had it?  STARKWELL!  You’re missing some real winning film making here.


Then Derek had a sex dream about Blonde Biochemist Reporter.  Likely just as an excuse to show the actress’ boobs.


[Kid on Skateboard knows the secret way out of the prison.]

Lovelock: Starkwell, seriously, this is incredible… you need to wake up.  They’re following a kid riding on a skateboard.  A skateboard!


Lovelock started laughing so hard that Starkwell woke up.


[The group has to walk past a hallway of zombie arms trying to grab them.]

Starkwell: Alright, well that was actually pretty cool.

Lovelock: I told you!  Do you see the awesome now?

Starkwell: No.  Why was there a kid on a skateboard?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand.


The movie ends with ‘splosions, twists and, for some reason, an ass kicking Dead Kennedys song.  Lovelock stands up and starts rocking out all over the room.  Starkwell wishes he had stayed asleep.  I guess they will have to agree to disagree on this one.


Prince of Darkness.

No one can deny that Carpenter is a master of the horror genre.  As much as I don’t appreciate all of his work (specifically some of his more recent ventures), you would be hard pressed to find anyone that isn’t at least somewhat scared by his earlier stuff.  1987’s “Prince of Darkness”, to me, is one of his more underrated pictures along with the Roddy Piper fuelled “They Live”.  After leaving half way through “Ghost of Mars”, Starkwell is pumped to see something else by the legendary director.  Lovelock just wants to see some action.


[Professor gives lecture.]

Starkwell: I realize that it’s probably a graduate level course, but those are some fairly old looking students.

Lovelock: If you can grow a moustache like that, the only class you should be in, is one that you are teaching, preferably on ‘How to Grow an Awesome Moustache’.


The story was slow moving, but very creepy.  Sometime after the Professor rounded up his best old students, he told them they were going somewhere secret to study something that he can’t tell them about yet. I think Lovelock yelled out “FIELD TRIP.”  After Moustache Brian seduces Red Head, he re-iterated “Field trip… with sexy complications.


[Zombie Homeless dude kills Miscellaneous Nerd #3.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go near homeless people in back alleys.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.


[Canister shoots slime directly into girl’s mouth.]

Lovelock: That’s why I keep my mouth closed when I stare up at a mystery evil slime.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.


After the slimy facial, things got even creepier.  Starkwell kept mentioning how the minimalist score made the atmosphere even more tense and horrifying.  Lovelock kept saying “you’re tense and horrifying.”  At one point a character called the priest “looney tunes” and said “this is caca” and became Lovelock’s favorite character ever.  Then he died almost immediately.  Lovelock was still totally pumped.


[Possessed Girl climbs on top of Asian Girl in her bed, then pukes in Asian Girl’s mouth.]

Lovelock: Worst slumber party ever.


[Possessed Girl climbs on top of Black Guy while Asian Girl holds him down.  She pukes in his mouth.]

Lovelock: Worst threesome ever.


In perhaps the worst escape attempt ever, Moustache Brian climbs out the window and into the alley, and then immediately climbs back into the window as Homeless Zombies close in on him in the alley.  Lovelock started to crack a joke, but then the Decomposing Blondie, pregnant with some kind of evil, makes icky slime noises as her skin melts and Lovelock pukes mid wisecrack.


[Possessed Decomposing Blondie picks up make up mirror.]

Lovelock: I don’t think make up is going to help at this point.


The movie wraps itself up, and the ending is scary, satisfying, depressing, yet hopeful.  Starkwell stood up and applauded.  Lovelock stood up to go change his underwear, and break all of the mirrors in the apartment.  Job well done, Mr. Carpenter.


Horror Hospital.

I don’t know much about the 1973 film “Horror Hospital”.  From what I can tell it was Antony Balch’s final film venture, and it was one that he both wrote and directed.  Maybe it was so good he knew he could never top it.  Maybe it was so bad he retired.  It is an impressive looking special edition DVD, so I eagerly await Starkwell and Lovelock’s opportunity to find out if it was a good or bad swan song.


[Opening scene involves a car equipped with a retractable sword and a basket for collecting the heads of the people whom the car’s sword beheads.  Two people are decapitated.]

Lovelock: I think more movies need to start that way.  Every movie.

Starkwell: I don’t think EVERY movie could pull it off.

Lovelock: Name one that couldn’t.

Starkwell: "Home Alone".

Lovelock: Movie opens with Shovel Guy chasing down Pesci and Stern with a sword car, chops off both of their heads, KABLAMMO.  Fades to black and then opens where the ‘regular’ cut of the film does, and says ‘earlier that week’ at the bottom.  Plus you could cut out the whole ‘Shovel Guy’s Granddaughter’ storyline that makes people cry.

Starkwell: Kind of changes the feel of the movie a little.

Lovelock: Whatever, dude.  Hey, is that Alfred from original "Batman"?

Starkwell: I don’t know that I would call Burton’s film ‘original’ Batman.

Lovelock: True, original "Batman" movie had exploding shark.


After only a few short minutes, it becomes abundantly clear to Starkwell and Lovelock that this film is gonna be one nutty ride.


[Zombies sitting at the dinner table.  The main characters come and sit down.  One girl starts screaming and two bikers come and take her away.]

Starkwell: So they just always wear motorcycle helmets regardless of whether or not they are on their bikes?

Lovelock: Maybe it’s in case they fall… that marble staircase looks awful slippery.


[Main characters passionately embrace.]

Starkwell: Considering they just met an hour or so ago, they seem to care an awful lot about each other.

Lovelock: Look at his hair.  Who wouldn’t fall for that right away!?!?


[Main Character Jason kicks Helmet Goon into pit of hot mud.]

Starkwell: He has a Shatneresque fighting style.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.

Starkwell: He did a good job in trying.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.

Starkwell: Why did they even bother explain what they are doing to the people?  Why give him a chance to escape.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.


[Jason is gassed and has a flashback recapping everything that has happened in the movie thus far.]

Starkwell: So we could have just started watching now and been totally up to date.

Lovelock: But then you would have missed all the romance scenes.

Starkwell: Wait… what?

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.


Then there was a scene where the Old Bag was packing her things and it felt like it lasted a million years.  But then this creepy melty creature popped out of nowhere and killed her and Lovelock and Starkwell both stood up and cheered.  A little while later there was an awkwardly long sequence of the Midget Servant turned Helper Dude trying to break the two heroes out that you would have to see to believe.


[Drawn out flashback sequence about how Dr. Storm became the Mad Scientist he is today.]

Starkwell: Damn.  The movie almost made it without full frontal male nudity.

Lovelock: Almost only counts in horseshoes.


As the heroes destroyed the place and the weird shit-monster fondled Milly, the twist ending caused both Starkwell and Lovelock to laugh endlessly, mostly because there was absolutely no reason to have the twist in the first place.  The second twist ending, admittedly was pretty fucking awesome.  Solid movie.  A little insane, a lot over the top, but overall very enjoyable.