FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Poor DVD Choices.

This second round of Unwatchables is coming at you thanks some very poor DVD buying decisions that I have made.  I am noticing a pattern too.  The only movies that seem to make it to the dreaded unwatchable status were made after the turn of the millennium.  Often people will talk about movies and how we don’t make them like we used to.  Apparently, we even don’t make trashy micro-budget ones like we used.  Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t make it through any of these films from start to finish, but here was a little of what they had to say about each before they set the DVD player on fire.  Seriously, I went through six DVD players.


[Necropolis Awakened (2002)]

Starkwell: The box said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Day of the Dead”.  I’m not really getting that.

Lovelock: It’s more like a porno based on “Pulp Fiction” meets a high school film festival entry based on “Day of the Dead”.  But without any sex in it, and they’d finish last at the festival.

Starkwell: Why would anyone make their voice do that?

Lovelock: Probably so he could play more than one character.


[Exhumed (2003)]

[First story, samurai short with zombies.]

Starkwell: This kind of feels like a white person version of what he thinks a samurai movie would be…. Oh wait.

[Second story, film noir, with zombies.]

Lovelock: Holy shit! That is the most annoying voice I have ever heard.  Where did they find her?

Starkwell: It sounds like someone imitating someone who’s imitating someone who’s imitating a person from that era.

[Third story, they never watched.]


[Invasion (2005)]

Starkwell: The first person view from the squad car is interesting.  Nice concept.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wow... sticking to the squad car angle... bold.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wait are they just driving in circles in a field and filming it?

[30 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

[Lovelock was asleep the whole time.]


[Automaton Transfusion (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they made this movie just to see that girl’s boobies?

Lovelock: It would explain why the rest of the movie seems like they were making it up as they went along.

Starkwell: I think I would respect this movie more if it were made twenty years ago.

Lovelock: It’s original “Degrassi” meets “Children of the Living Dead”.

Starkwell: Spot on.


[Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they decided to have the soft-core barnyard sex scene before or after they made it 3D?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I don’t think my glasses are working very well.  But I do see well enough to know that Sid Haig really needs money.

Starkwell: Yeah, he must have been fresh off of shooting “House of the Dead 2”.

Lovelock: I sort of wish my glasses was a blindfold.

Starkwell: And that it had earplugs attached.


[Trailer Park of Terror (2008)]

Starkwell: So… characters that I hate being killed by other characters that I hate?

Lovelock: Plus it’s gross!


On the bright side, at least we have six new coasters for the coffee table.  Some of these had some good ideas, but all eventually spiralled dreadfully out of control and ended up in Unwatchable Town.  I think Sid Haig might be the mayor there.  I’m going to go bake some brownies, and hopefully Lovelock and Starkwell will begin talking to me again.


  1. Sam Raimi15:28

    Kev, any of the so-called "unwatchables" is still infinitely better than anything the British film industry has ever produced (or could ever dream of producing at any time in the future), like i said, dont be too harsh with the supposed worst of the American zombie product, its still the best that the world has to offer by a incredible margin.

  2. the Most Rampantly Heterosexual Geezer In The World19:44

    Kev, do you want to fall about laughing ?, you do ! ! !, excellent, now follow these instructions: go to IMDB and write this title "LUST FOR FRANKENSTEIN", then go to the 7 critics reveiws for that movie (or external reveiws as they`re sometimes called), then click on "Dr. Gores Movie Reveiws", then read his reveiw of the film and then read the truly hilarious exchange of com-girl-ts between "Dr. Gore" and "The Sneering (Homo-Phobic) Snob" regarding the lushious Miss Lina Romay (among other gorgeous sexy birds), the com-girl-ts are an absolute scream, happy reading my old mate.

  3. You've certainly given me a lot to think about.

  4. Anonymous20:21

    GameDoc says dvd player on fire joke was great timing. I loved the "Invasion" commentary.

  5. Furious G09:00

    You should try to nail down a sponsorship deal with MALATA so that you'll always have fresh DVD players ready to go.

  6. The Most Rampantly Heterosexual Geezer In The World22:41

    Kev, did you fall about laughing when you read those com-girl-ts like i said you would ?.