Teenage Zombies.

In the late 1950s, a man, a writer and director named Jerry Warren, set out to make his own statement about communism and whatnot, in his 1959 motion picture “Teenage Zombies.”  Well, I read off the internet that it’s about communism.  Lovelock hopes it’s about zombies.  Starkwell hopes it isn’t too long.  This film is packaged with three others on this disc.  This means that it probably isn’t very long, or very good.  As I hit play, both Starkwell and Lovelock are astonished at how bad the print looks.


[Out for a routine waterskiing session, teenagers find an island.]

Lovelock: The music certainly makes me think something crazy is about to happen.

Starkwell: Wait, they were out waterskiing in those outfits?


[Teenagers see hobbling people.]

Starkwell: How could their first guess be that they are walking dead?

Lovelock: He said doped or dead… I mean, his first suspicion was still wacky tabacky.


Considering the film’s short runtime, Starkwell was surprised how much screen time is eaten up with footage of them walking on the beach looking for their boat.  But the long trek did end with a pretty sweet looking zombie.


[They hear girls screaming.]

Starkwell: The zombie kind of looks like Super Mario.

Lovelock: It’s just Mario.  Super is more like a general way to describe him.  You know like, “man, that’s one super Mario.”

Starkwell: If you say so.


[Soda shop owner takes Dufus and Dotty to look for Water Ski Gang.]

Starkwell: Why would the soda shop guy take such an interest in their lives?

Lovelock: It was a different time, back then.

Starkwell: So the cops couldn’t find the island, but Dufus and Dotty steal Walt’s boat and find it immediately?

Lovelock: They didn’t steal it.  They just borrowed it, I’m sure Walt won’t mind.  Anyways, you need to be a teenager to think like a teenager…  After all, like Dufus said, “They just went water skiing, no special direction!”

Starkwell: This movie has no special direction.


The two seemed bored.  Nothing was happening.  They had a little excitement when the MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT logo randomly appeared in the bottom right corner for a couple of minutes.  But, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part of the original film.


Lovelock: J.J. Abrams totally ripped this off when he created “Lost”.

Starkwell: Are you for real?


[Mad Scientist in evening gown gasses a guy in a gorilla suit.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …


Starkwell: What kind of army colonel has curtains like that in his office?

Lovelock: Ones that are filmed in the director’s house.


[Guys break out then try to get the girls’ cell open.]

Starkwell: The main character was wearing a t-shirt before, now he is in a long-sleeve…

Lovelock: He has his sleeves rolled up.  Close enough.

[The guys leave the girls behind.]

Starkwell: Wow.  It really was a different time.

Lovelock: Whatever.  Those dames were just going to hold them back.  You can’t trust a skirt to make a clean getaway.

Starkwell: Hey, it’s a t-shirt again!


The main guys make a plan to build a raft, while skipping stones at the beach.  I think they really hate the girls, as they pretty much tell them to shut up and get some sleep.  Starkwell and Lovleock had mostly run out of things to say.  Unless you count “are we there yet?


[The detective is in on it.]

Lovelock: Well, that explains everything.

Starkwell: No, no it doesn’t.  I think that just makes it more confusing.


Well, after teenagers turning into zombies and then back to normal again, they get away thanks to a zombie gorilla.  The teenagers saved America, apparently, and everything is back to normal.  Except the guy’s t-shirt which is long sleeve again.  Dufus suggests that they go horse back riding, and for some reason they all chase him out of the police station kicking him in the ass.  Then, the movie ends.  The real tragedy in all of this is that Starkwell and Lovelock can’t get their seventy-five minutes back.


  1. What's really funny about Jeff Warren films is that with his later films made in the 80's (such as Frankenstein Island), the film stock is still so bad that they look like they were made in the 50's, rather than in the same decade when Rocky won the cold war against Ivan Drago!

  2. Anonymous17:55

    Theres not enough variation in the meanings of the zombie scores, for instance, unwatchable and terrible both mean the same thing, as do fantastic and classic.

  3. @Chris: Good to know. The film definitely had a certain je ne sais quoi...


    Terrible is a bad movie I can sit through, unwatchable is one that I shut off half way through. Fantastic means that it is fantastic, whereas classic means that it is, in my opinion a classic. Your comment is dumb as hell.

    How about:
    "There's just not enough of a difference between 2 stars and 3 stars... I don't get it."

    Or How about:
    "One thumb up or two thumbs up, I mean, it's basically the same thing."

    Maybe I should just have one score for all the movies... Would that work for you? Or should it just be a pass fail system?

    In conclusion, you're an idiot.

  4. I want to bugger Heather Santrous (over at Mermaid heather)19:17

    Heres a much better ratings system:-

    10 = unmittigated genius beyond all
    imagining, only a few films in
    the entire history of cinema
    would be worthy of this rating.

    9 = quite simply a masterwork.

    8 = even better that brilliant but
    still not quite good enough to
    be a masterwork.

    7 = brilliant, superb, marvellous, etc.

    6 = better than good but still not
    quite good enough to be brilliant.

    5 = good solid entertain-girl-t, but
    nothing special.

    4 = almost a good film, but not quite.

    3 = mediocre.

    2 = almost a mediocre movie, but not quite.

    1 = just plain rubbish, but not totally

    0 = a complete celluloid abomination, no
    redeeming qualitys what-so-ever.

    you can also use half ratings for those
    really difficult to rate movies, giving
    21 possible ratings. Hopefully Kev you`ll
    be using this rating system very soon
    because its infinitely better than the
    garbage one you`re currently using ! ! !.

  5. Wait, so you want there to be MORE possible scores? Isn't that contradictory from what you said earlier?

    Calling mine "garbage" is a little harsh. Now I'll just have to go cry myself to sleep. Thanks for ruining Christmas.

  6. steve prefontaine14:45

    Kev, i was simply talking about the fact that with the ratings system that i invented all the ratings have very clear levels that they equate to (as it were), where-as your ratings system doesn`t really do that (strickly speaking), or at least it doesn`t with the same levels of clarity that mine does. By the way Kev, you should never let anything ruin Christmas, its easily the best time of the year by a long way.

  7. @jimmie/steve: Not sure who that is, let alone dating her. And as wonderfully descriptive as your ONE MILLION point rating system is, my blog, my zombie score.

  8. Anonymous20:25

    GameDoc says: Hey, troll who can't type and is trying to tell a blogger how to run their blog, tits or GTFO.

  9. @GameDoc: Right on brother!