Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Naschy. I’m hoping that he lives up to all of the infamy in the Leon Klimovsky directed “Vengeance of the Zombies”. As I start the DVD, a Special Edition release from Victory Films, we are treated with, what I assume we are supposed to already know is present day Paul Naschy, talking about how unbelievably brilliant the movie we are about to watch is. Basically, I don’t need to try and hype it up to Starkwell and Lovelock, since Naschy is already taking care of that. After a few minutes of Naschy talking about Naschy, the movie starts.
[It's a Spanish language film, and thankfully it is presented here in its original language.]
Lovelock: Subtitles?! Man…
Starkwell: You’re not really a reader are you?
[Introduction of a grave-robber who seems to be stealing jewelry for a woman's affection. A homely one at that.]
Starkwell: Damn, dude, I hope the sex is worth it, she’s forcing you to rob graves.
Lovelock: Hey, he’s no spring chicken. He needs to take what he can get.
[Strangely dressed ghost-phantom-demon thing whizzes by in slow-mo.]
Starkwell: I don’t know if slow-motion is what we need right now.
Lovelock: Maybe we can fast-forward until something makes sense.
[The credits are STILL playing, and the actor names are still popping up, one simply named ROMMY. I should add that all of this is happening over a completely sensationally wild jazz-lounge-funky score. Then one of Paul Naschy's many characters picks up hot coals. Music continues.]
Lovelock: There’s no acting there, Naschy is really holding those coals.
Starkwell: Seriously, it’s like the soundtrack to a vintage porno film.
[Devil thing takes an ax off of the wall of the house that they are in and hacks his face.]
Lovelock: See, that’s why I don’t decorate my apartment with dangerous axes and knives.
[Cut to the funeral for the ax-in-face guy.]
Starkwell: The guy in the coffin has way more hair than the guy that died.
Lovelock: They probably really drove an axe into the actor's face, so they couldn’t use the same guy for the funeral scene.
[The deceased man's lady friend seems obsessed with going to seek help from some guru guy, who is so clearly evil. She shows up at a train station and is greeted by a guy with a melted face who is set to bring her to the guru's place.]
Starkwell: “His name is Krishna Satan, I mean Sanatan, and he just bought the DEVIL HOUSE. I should go visit him at the DEVIL HOUSE.” Great plan. Oh, even better, let the creepy burnface guy take you there.
Lovelock: Don’t judge, he’s just trying to make a living.
[I can't even describe what's happening. The guru's place looks like something out of a really bad dream. There are weird gold painted women, and the guru seems to have a harem of women, most dressed in nighties. The newly arrived main character seems to be stealing the affection of the guru away from his LADY IN WAITING or whatever the hell she is.]
Starkwell: Words cannot describe the cheepnis of what we are witnessing.
Lovelock: Those zombie girls sure look happy.
Lovelock: Woah, get a room, Naschy.
Starkwell: Looks like he did…
Lovelock: Love triangle!
[There's a guy creeping around with his face covered, and he is watching the main character chicky sleep.]
Lovelock: Creepiest ninja I’ve ever seen.
Starkwell: Cut to… meat locker?
Lovelock: That’s no ninja!
Starkwell: It probably was Naschy, though.
[Someone that looks like the guru, mainly because half the characters are played by Paul Naschy, breaks into the morgue with his henchmen, to steal bodies.]
Starkwell: How did they get in anyways, didn’t they see that the morgue closes at 5pm? Because the director sure made it a point to show us the sign, for about five whole seconds... out of focus.
Lovelock: Voodoo never closes.
[Randomly, there is mention of Baron Samedi.]
Lovelock: Who is Baron Samedi?
Starkwell: Paul Naschy, probably.
Lovelock: This story makes so much sense.
There's really no way for me to actually explain some of what is going on, so I will simply present randomly some things that the guys were saying over the next little while, and it will paint a picture of how warped and nonsensical this film is.
Starkwell: Hide behind the mask all you want, Naschy, you are still so Naschy.
Lovelock: Burnt Naschy!
Starkwell: Maybe that girl is Naschy.
Lovelock: But that would mean that Naschy is fondling Naschy’s breasts.
Starkwell: She has an awful lot of outfits for someone who arrived with no suitcase.
Lovelock: Slowest fight scene ever.
Starkwell: Aw, Naschy got his best whites all dirty.
[A cheaply shot voodoo sequence takes place, and the police are there, and people get killed. That's the best I can do to explain it.]
Starkwell: Seeing a decapitated woman and subsequently seeing Naschy kill or wound a man has rendered her… horny?
Lovelock: Honestly, I don’t know what to believe anymore. Which Naschy is that Naschy? Who are those people? Why are the zombies so happy?
Starkwell: This story makes so much sense.
[There's a disturbing shot of an actual chicken being slaughtered followed by more smiling lingerie zombies frolicking around in slow-mo.]
Starkwell: Obviously since the whole movie is so realistic, they felt it was necessary to actually cut the head off of a real chicken for that scene.
Lovelock: How else are you going to raise the lingerie zombies from their conveniently placed coffins?
Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me.
Lovelock: I don’t think you’re following the movie.
Starkwell: Not sure that it’s possible. Even for Naschy.
[Cut to some other character that I think we saw at the beginning, but who knows... He runs into a woman riding a bike, and somehow they end up making out.]
Starkwell: See a woman riding a bike. Hit her with your car. Take her to a park. Make love. The Art of Seduction, by Paul Naschy.
Lovelock: Can I borrow your car?
[The movie ends pretty suddenly with a lot more death and the falling of lingerie zombies, mostly in slow-mo again.]
Lovelock: I see where ‘Fight Club’ got all of its ideas.
The ending credits play out with super funky music and an 'Eddie Murphy in the Klumps' style montage of different characters played by Naschy. Lovelock and Starkwell both concluded that this was a terrible movie, one of the worst that they had ever seen. But that didn’t stop them from wanting to re-watch it. Immediately. Thank you, Naschy, wherever you are.