2.8.11

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition.

I have a high tolerance for pain.  I’ve sat through Sho Kosugi movies.  I’ve seen Chuck Norris in ‘Firewalker’ more times than I would care to admit.  I’ve watched ‘Action Jackson’ without fast-forwarding.  I can openly admit to seeing the majority of the Charles Bronson movies from 70’s and 80’s and lived to see another day.  Starkwell and Lovelock have a decidedly lower level of patience. The following is a list of movies that are being categorized as UNWATCHABLE.  

For a movie to be classified as such, it means that they were unable to watch it in its entirety, and that it made them both wish they could set fire to their eyeballs, ears, and possibly brains.  The following are brief statements from either Lovelock or Starkwell regarding the movies in question.  None of these were viewed in their entirety, nor would I recommend that anyone take on such a venture.  It is also important to mention, that they were all attempted on the same day, in a row, with nothing but bathroom breaks (in some cases for vomiting) in between.  It was a long day.  They were all streamed off of Netflix, so don’t worry, no money was spent, just precious time that will never grow back.  Have at it, in chronological order.

[...]

[ The Dead Hate the Living! (2000) ]

Lovelock: Feels more like ‘The Filmmakers Hate the Audience!’.

[...]

[ Zombie Campout! (2002) ]

Starkwell: Best camp movie since ‘Ernest Goes to Camp’.

Lovelock: EwweEEwweEEwwwEEEwwww.

[...]

[ Die You Zombie Bastards! (2003) ]

Starkwell: If it feels like a Troma movie, and it looks like a Troma movie, then it probably SUCKS.

[...]

[ Zombie Nation (2004) ]

Lovelock : This feels like the kind of movie that the dumbest kid in your grade eight class would make.

[...]

[ ZA: Zombies Anonymous  (2006) ]

Starkwell : Bad concept, executed badly.

[...]

[ Quick and the Undead (2006) ]

Lovelock: A zombie western, made by people that probably have never seen a movie from either genre.

[...]

[ Awaken the Dead (2007) ]

Starkwell: This movie couldn’t awaken a viewer, so, yeah, good luck with the dead.

[...]

[ Zombie Town (2007) ]

Lovelock : Did we watch this one?

Starkwell: Who the hell knows anymore?  Even if we didn’t, let’s not.

[...]

[ Aaaah! Zombies!! a.k.a. Wasting Away (2007) ]

Starkwell: I’d rather stare at the movie’s DVD cover and imagine a story for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

Lovelock: I’d rather stare at you staring at the DVD cover for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

[...]

[ Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood (2008) ]

Lovelock: Too easy.

[...]

[ Deadgirl (2008) ]

Starkwell: A how-to guide on creating characters that no one could ever like, and a story that no one would ever want to see through until the end.

[...]

[ Beast Within a.k.a. Virus Undead (2008) ]

Lovelock: The review for 'Beast Within', which is just a two word review, just says “Shit Within”.

[...]

[ Retardead (2008) ]

Starkwell: As offensive to the movie viewer as the title is to ANYONE WITH ANY COMMON DECENCY.

[...]

[ Johnny Sunshine Maximum Violence (2008) ]

Lovelock: You know how there’s that one lame person at work with all the Goth shit in their cubicle, and they still listen to ‘Pretty Hate Machine’ and think that their purple hair makes them edgy?  They made this movie.

[...]

[ Colin (2008) ]

Starkwell: Actually an interesting concept, but the lack of budget made it impossible to watch.

[...]

[ The Zombie Apocalypse Collection (2008) ]

Lovelock: Try to find information about this movie.  You won’t.  That’s because no one knows how it ever got made.  Probably best that it remains a mystery, so that it never happens again.

[...]

[ Zombie Wars (2008) ]

Starkwell: Honestly who tries to make a movie with this grand of a scale on the budget of a porno?  People who don’t care about the viewers, that’s who.

[...]

[ Zombies Zombies Zombies: Strippers vs. Zombies (2008) ]

Lovelock : You know there was that one lame kid in high school who thought the meaning of life was Japanese Animated pornography and listening to the 'Insane Clown Posse', and thinking that his parents were just fascists trying to bring him down?  Yeah, they made this movie.

[...]

[ Zombie Strippers (2008) ]

Starkwell: Well, Lovelock’s statement above rings true for this one as well, except add to it a desperate Freddy Krueger and an aging and  leathery used porn actress.  So yeah, it’s that bad.

[...]

[ Zombie Women of Satan (2009) ]

Lovelock: This magical group of movie makers thought that they could improve bad writing and bad acting by adding naked spanking and full frontal male nudity.  Try and guess if they were right or not.

[...]

[ Edges of Darkness (2009) ]

Starkwell: It took five seconds to realize that the movie’s entre budget went on designing the movie poster, and not on anything else.

[...]

[ Zombie Farm (2009) ]

Lovelock : This is another one that you won’t be able to find much about.  That’s a good thing.  Please, don't look.

[...]

[ DIEner (2009) ]

Starkwell: This movie might have actually been alright, if it wasn’t so horrifyingly awful.

[...]

These should be mandatory viewing for anyone out there trying to make a zombie film as a reminder of what can happen when you do it wrong.  These movies had such a profound impact on Lovelock and Starkwell, that just hearing the music from the Wii Menu now makes Starkwell lock himself in the bathroom and Lovelock stick his head in the oven.  I think that while they are in recovery from this self-inflicted torture poopfest, I’ll try and refrain from loading up Netflix for a little while.  

I’m going to go read them a bedtime story from Max Brooks’ ‘World War Z’ and rock them back and forth into a happy and blissful coma.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. There are a lot of movies that simply don't belong on this list. Yeah they're not great, but in the universe of zombie movies, there is much much worse. Here's what I would take off the list:
    Zombie Town: pretty bad, but it has it's moments
    Aaah! Zombies!!: the concept was better than the movie, but certainly more in the mid-range in terms of zombie films
    Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood: I actually enjoyed this one quite a bit. It knows it's a bad movie and embraces it.
    Zombie Farm: I liked this one, too. Takes a little bit of time to get to the zombies, but I felt it was a well-made movie.
    DIEner: Totally disagree on this one. This is a no-budget movie done right. Pretty funny and didn't try to do more than it was capable of.
    Dead Girl: perhaps in poor taste, but it tried something a little different and I give it credit for that
    Zombie Women of Satan: Much better than it's title would imply. This one I would actually recommend

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  2. @AskMe: I don't necessarily disagree with you. a lot of these movies were competently made enough (especially DeadGirl). And yes, OF COURSE there are worse zombie films out there. But I found these ones to be lower in terms of watchability. Hence, they all belong on this list for me.

    Any one of these movies is infinitely better than "Hell of the Living Dead", for example, with regards to film making, story... hell, even acting. But I'd still rather re-watch "Hell" than any of these. Twice even.

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