27.2.15

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies All Over the Small Screen.

He’s already once expressed his love for the wildly popular “The Walking Dead”, while simultaneously hating on how popular zombies have become.  It was only a matter of time before he started checking out some of the other shows that have popped up in the wake of the AMC show's success.

[...]

Well hello again, good sir.

I’ve been kind of going crazy with the binge watching of late, and I stumbled upon a couple of real gems. And some turds, obviously.

I started up with the somewhat slowly paced “The Returned”, a French show based on the film “They Came Back”, or “Les Revenants”.

The show starts slow, and keeps that pace mostly throughout the eight episodes that I watched.  Much like the film, it has a very serious tone, is totally weird and confusing, and at the same time, kind of scares the BAJEBUS out of me.

Unlike the film, the show starts off focused on a bus load of children that flew off a cliff suddenly coming back a year later as if nothing happened.

AND THE PARENTS FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

It’s eerie, it’s cool, and Mogwai did the soundtrack.  And Mogwai kicks fucking ass and helps create mega tension.

Like in the film, the undead essentially try to resume their lives, unaware, seemingly, that they died.  But there’s all sorts of mysterious shit going on and we are trying to figure out what the deal is.  Super cool.  I can’t wait to see the second season.  Good, and complicated, characters.  Great dialogue and acting.  More television needs to be like this.

Which brings me to the somewhat unnecessary American version of “Les Revenants” called “Resurrection”.  I can’t say it’s bad, actually.  At least it’s SORT OF doing its own thing.  It’s not like when “Quarantine” came out as a nearly identical, but just in English, version of “REC”.  I haven’t seen enough of it to really pass any judgment.  It got picked up for a second season, which doesn’t NECESSARILY mean anything, but it does mean they got to develop the story further.  Which is always a good thing.  Not sure if the third season is coming or not.

Next up, in an attempt to liven things up, I went for the tragically short-lived MTV show “Death Valley”.

I can see why this show didn’t make it on a network aimed at people who watch shows about teen moms, people falling on their testicles, and other such dumb shit.  Most MTV shows that aren’t reality TV are on par, creatively speaking, with most Disney Channel shows.

Death Valley” was gory, ACTUALLY FUNNY, and in a way, fairly original.  Which makes it a strange offering for MTV.  Shot mockumentary style, and following a police department in charge of taking care of werewolves, zombies and vampires, I found myself digging the characters immediately.   Well-paced, well written, and a lot of fun… obviously, it was cancelled after one season.  Had the show been on a network like FX, or even something like Showtime, AMC or HBO, the series’ fate might have been radically different.

Which brings me to the VIOLENTLY unfunny, unoriginal and unnecessary ScyFy Channel original, “Z Nation”.  It’s a production from “The Asylum”, so honestly, I don’t even need to watch a single episode to know that it is a complete piece of shit - a lame mockbuster cash grab attempt to ride the zombie wave.  But, I felt I should watch at least one episode.  All of my suspicions were more than correct.  In short, the show should be called “ZZZZZzzzzzz Nation”.  Because it’s boring.  So boring.

And yet, I could totally see it going on for a couple of years.  Because somehow shit like this gets watched.  Somewhere out there are idiots thinking "man, can't wait for the new season of Z Nation".  And then they take a selfie and talk about how good "The Big Bang Theory" is.  Brutal.

Next up on my marathon of binge watching was a BBC show called “In the Flesh”.

HOLY SHIT.  The zombie apocalypse is over, and the government are rehabilitating the “used to be” zombies of the world.  The doctors call the formerly dead “partially deceased syndrome sufferer”.  It’s not that no one has tackled the idea of “what if the zombies stopped being zombies” or “what if there WAS a cure”, but in a way, kind of nobody has.  At least not with the serious tone of this show.  Within five minutes I can tell that I am not going to want to stop watching this one.

Way recommeneded.  I’m glad I watched this afterZ Nation” because, quite honestly, I thought nothing would ever clean my brain of that depressingly bad show.

After all of this, and ending on a zombie show high note, I decided to take it up another notch and settle nicely into binge watching a ‘not actually a zombie show, but it has zombies in it, technically’, known as “Game Of Thrones”, anxiously looking forward to any scene with the ‘White Walkers’, who are, basically, MEDIEVAL ZOMBIES FUCK YEAH.

And there are dragons.

Also, all of the wonderful female nudity is pretty nice.

[...]

He can complain all he wants about the zombie’s surge in popularity, but from the sound of it, even he agrees that it has lead to some rather good television… definitely more interesting than all the vampire crap out there in the wake of “Twilight”.  Except "Z Nation" which sounds worse than it sounds.  Anyways, here’s hoping that it takes at least a couple more years before we get a zombie sitcom starring Zooey Deschanel or some shit.

WHO’S THAT ZOMBIEeeeeEeeeeeee…

Ugh.

26.1.15

Frightmare.

Lovelock and Starkwell don’t have that much experience with Troma, but what exposure they have had has not left them hopeful that anything with Troma attached to it is going to be all that satisfying.  This one is actually one that WASN’T Troma originally, they just picked up the rights to release it on DVD.  So, that gives us hope to the two who, let’s be honest, don’t want to have to sit through another “Poultrygeist”.  Troma’s not all bad.  But it sure ain’t all good.  Alright.  Come on.  Horror star!

[...]

[DVD has some opening introduction with Lloyd Kaufman.  It’s like a hundred million minutes long.]

Lovelock: No.  NO!  Start the movie.

Starkwell: Why is this so long?

[Honestly, we almost lost them before the fucking movie started.  Classic Troma.]

[...]

The story seems to revolve around an old actor, a Vincent Price / Bela Lugosi type of guy that I will, from here on out refer to as, Draculactor.  In the opening scene he straight up murders a director that he has a disagreement with.  Then they show him at some kind of “Inside the Actor’s Studio” type of deal and he passes out.  Some girl does mouth to mouth on him and revives.  Then he goes home and some fat guy tries to kill him but LOOK OUT Draculactor kills fat guy instead.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he just faked passing out so some young student would do mouth to mouth on him.

Starkwell: He is remarkably spry when he wants to be.

[...]

After killing the fat guy Draculactor gets out of bed, plays his organ and then… climbs into a coffin, closes it, and apparently dies.  Lovelock and Starkwell are looking a little shocked and confused, and someone said “dude knows how to make an exit”.  He also filmed his own farewell and it was shown at his funeral.  Anyways, then some eighties punks, big fans of his work I guess, break into his tomb and steal his body.

[...]

Lovelock: Is this basically “Weekend at Bernies”?

Starkwell: I have a feeling something is gonna revive him.

Lovelock: So it’s “Weekend at Bernies 2”?

Starkwell: If that helps you.

Lovelock: It doesn’t.

Starkwell: It’s actually feeling more to me like “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”.

Lovelock: I slept through that.

Starkwell: And yet you remember both "Bernie" movies.

[...]

The movie is boring.  But eventually after a cheesy séance and some loud sound effects that washed out most of the dialogue, it appears that Draculactor is back from the dead and killing the punks with all of his telekinetic abilities.  Admittedly, at this point, the movie starts being a bit more fun.  One highlight, for example, was when Draculactor stared at a woman in a bathrobe and made her burst into flames, at which point, I believe Lovelock said “burn baby burn”.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer all that much else, and gets boring again real fast.  Eventually Draculactor kills everyone, even his widow when she comes to visit his tomb.

[...]

[The movie ends with Draculactor talking to the screen / the audience about how Hell isn’t that bad.]

Lovelock: Wait, what?

14.12.14

Horror Rises From The Tomb.

Vengeance of the Zombies” was a film released the same year as what we are about to watch.  “Vengeance” was also written by, and starring, PAUL NASCHY.  “Vengeance” was a buttload of stupid fun.  So, in conclusion, this should be fantastic.  Gentleman, start your engines.  NASCHY!

[...]

[DVD goes PLAY MOVIE and we are treated to a NASCHY introduction to the movie, wherein he is holding an axe.]

Lovelock: Do we even need to watch this?  I feel like it won’t live up to how awesome it already is in my mind.

Starkwell: It definitely will not live up to that.

[...]

As is always the case with these Spanish films, the costumes are out of control awesome.  Naschy is wearing a bad ass cape, and appears to be some sort of vampire, in the olden times.  He is about to be decapitated, along with his insanely hot woman who is, obviously, nearly showing all of her boobies in her insane dress.

[...]

[Naschy is beheaded, and his woman is hung naked, obviously, upside down and is bled to death.]

Starkwell: The Spaniards certainly like to cut into a naked bare boob.

Lovelock: Meanwhile the scar faced knight watching all of this happen… ALSO PLAYED BY NASCHY.

Starkwell: I feel a Klumps joke coming along.

Lovelock:  I was gonna go the Martin Lawrence route.

Starkwell: Sweet beheading, by the way.

[...]

[Cut to the present day (1973), and a dashing, cleaned up, suit-wearing Naschy is in an artist’s apartment watching him paint.]

Lovelock: Seven minutes into the film and he has already played THREE characters.

Starkwell: I think that might actually be the same character as the beginning, I think he’s immortal.

Lovelock: Or… BACK FROM THE DEAD.  Whoomp.  There it is.

[It's neither.]

[...]

Then there’s a really cheesy scene where the characters all go to a séance, and the old lady medium talks to Dead Naschy from the past.  There are just so many Naschys at this point, it is quite hard to keep up.  Then the Painter finishes his painting, and it turns out he has painted a headless Naschy holding his head (strangely he doesn't seem to think, hey that looks a lot like my friend).  Then he sees a floating Naschy head above his painting, bleeding and laughing at him.

[...]

Lovelock: Which Naschy is which?  Why did they make him play the knight too?

Starkwell: Irresponsible.

[...]

[Naschy fights off some car jackers.]

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy:  Man of Action.

Starkwell: So, wait, the gang is going to the old Naschy castle where the original Vampire Naschy was killed and buried?

Lovelock: Paul Naschy:  Man of Naschy.

Starkwell: I’m really confused.

Lovelock:  Naschy?

[...]

Ok, so I guess they are digging around the property looking for treasure.  I can only assume that they’ll find NASCHY HEAD.

[...]

[So one of the gardeners opens the treasure chest they found and whatever he sees possesses him, and he turns around and kills some dudes.]

Lovelock:  Oh man, you just know there’s a sweet fucking Naschy head in that chest!

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock:  Totally where “Pulp Fiction” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

The possessed guy goes around the castle killing scantily clad girls who have been left totally unattended, by Naschy and other men, in a castle that has a mysterious murderer lurking about.  The director makes sure to show boobs when he can and, just for good measure, there is another “someone cuts into a bare breast” scene… BLIND DEAD STYLE.  Apparently all of this murder has made the Naschy horny, because he immediately cheats on his woman with the other random servant woman that he has known since SHE was a child.  Stay classy, Naschy.

[...]

[Painter hooks up with his now possessed blonde idiot girlfriend, and now he is possessed.  He goes after Naschy’s woman.]

Lovelock: She’s probably better off dead than with Naschy.

[Meanwhile Naschy goes back to the other woman… probably for a round two.]

Starkwell:  Wow.  Tells his woman to keep cooking, then goes off to bone the young girl.

Lovelock: After throwing dead bodies in a lake.

[We finally see Naschy’s undead head in the treasure chest.]

Lovelock: NAILED IT.

[...]

The possessed gang go on to put Naschy’s head back onto his body, and he gets up and WALKS.  Next, the plan seems to be to shove his woman’s spirit into the Current Naschy’s woman.

[...]

[They put Current Woman into the coffin that the old skeleton of Vampire Naschy’s original woman is in…  But first they obviously need to cut off all of her clothes and grope her while showing full bush.]

Starkwell: Every time.

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy: Pervert.

[...]

Naschy grabs another feel or two of dem boobies before he stabs her.  Then, with a hand full of bloodnad her boobies, he fondles her some more.  Next thing you know Original Naschy woman is back!  Current Naschy Woman has vanished.

[...]

[The possessed gang is to become food for the undead.]

Starkwell: This is working out well for both Naschys.

[...]

Undead Woman goes into town naked and walks into a random dude’s room and seduces him and kills him and, I guess, eats him.  But not before Boobs, Bush, and some unfortunate dude ass and balls.

[...]

[Naschy seduces a random girl in her room in the village.]

Starkwell: I could buy that if a dude turns his head and sees a naked woman, he might be like “LET’S DO THIS”… but are we to believe that a woman would see a fully clothed and caped BEARDED Naschy standing in the corner of her room, hiding behind a curtain, and would STRIP, GET ON THE BED, and begin fondling herself?

Lovelock:  Woman want him, men want to be him.

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Either that or it was REALLY easy to get chicks In Spain in the seventies.

Starkwell: Right… it couldn’t possibly be that the dudes making this movie were perverts.

[...]

Basically Vampire Naschy has the world’s most powerful bedroom eyes.  One look and the ladies are like “do me yo-yo master”.  Then… all of the dead people emerge from the swamp and come back to the castle.

[...]

Lovelock:  Say what you will about anything else, but those are some seriously sweet looking zombies.

Starkwell: Meanwhile Naschy hasn’t even really noticed that his lady is no longer around.

Lovelock:  Because he has a new lady… DUH.

[...]

Possessed painter shoots Naschy dead.  He then tries to kill Naschy’s New Lady, but the necklace she is wearing frees him from the possession.  There’s a pretty sweet gore scene of Vampire Lady ripping a dude’s heart out.  Eventually everyone except the one girl die and she uses the necklace to kill Vampire Naschy, but not before a few more boobs are exposed and groped.

[...]

[Girl throws the necklace into the lake.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t that be a necklace to keep, you know, in case?

[...]

The end.

14.11.14

Zombie Cop.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell.  J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film.  Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness.  Let’s see where his follow up falls.  I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.  Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film.   The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot.  Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas?  Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout.  Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence.  After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face.  With a towel on his head.  An actual towel.  It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.  I honestly wish I was joking.  Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”.  There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners.  This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse.  There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy.  This time they didn’t even paint his face brown.  But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent.  Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long.  Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”.  Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out.  Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie?  The editing.  The music.  The writing.  The everything.  Just a well-rounded painful turd.   The end.  And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

24.10.14

Maniac Cop 2.

Another Lustig movie about a vigilante… I definitely know that Lovelock and Starkwell head into this one with the expectation bar at least somewhat raised.  They enjoyed the first installment, and they definitely like some of writer Larry Cohen’s other endeavors, such as “The Stuff”.  While they found “Uncle Sam” to be a bit of a stinker (I mean, how many times can you re-brand the same movie), this one came in well before that, so maybe it won't feel quite so tired.  Also, I mean, come on, Bruce Campbell is in it.  So, yeah.

[...]

[Bruce Campbell fights Maniac Cop.]

Starkwell: I always thought Campbell was kind of a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one.

Lovelock: Wait what?

[Maniac Cop drives a truck off a pier with Campbell hanging onto the side of the truck.]

Lovelock: WOAH!  STUNTS!

Starkwell: I miss watching movies where you get to spot the stunt doubles.  Nice wig!

[...]

If you haven’t seen the first one, all you really need to know is that Maniac Cop is a vigilante zombie cop who just don’t know when to quit.  Something tells me that, although he just took a huge pipe through the chest, he’s coming back.  The something telling me that, is that this is called “Maniac Cop 2” and we are only two minutes into the film.

[...]

[Maniac Cop stops an armed robbery, but kills the clerk and gives the gun back to the perp.]

Lovelock:  I don’t get it.

Starkwell: What’s with all the smoke?

Lovelock: Will there be a story in this movie, or… ?

[...]

Bruce Campbell and Blondie are arguing with the police commissioner about whether or not the Maniac Cop really is the undead dude they think it is.  Blondie starts FREAKING OUT.  Then five minutes later they kill Campbell and the guys are all “DA FUCK”.

[...]

Starkwell: Is it really necessary to focus on the dead naked girl’s boobs for so long at the morgue?  They’re there to identify Bruce Campbell’s body…

Lovelock: I’ll allow it.

Starkwell: Dude, weak.

[...]

There doesn’t seem to be any real method to Maniac Cop’s madness.  I mean I get that he killed Bruce Campbell, but the guy in the corner store?  Now a cop towing away some douchebag’s car?  What the shit?

[...]

[Maniac Cop throws Blondie through a window and then she goes after him with a chainsaw.]

Starkwell: What does she expect to do with that?

Lovleock: I don’t know but she has some seriously crimped hair.

[Maniac Cop immediately breaks her neck.]

Lovelock: Hashtag chainsaw fail.

Starkwell: Never again, please.

[...]

Then the Police Psychologist Woman, handcuffed to a car’s steering wheel goes flying down the highway… on the outside of the car.  Say what you will about the movie, but there are some pretty righteous car stunts littered throughout.

[...]

[Strip club scene.]

Starkwell: Why is this scene so long?  Why are the strip club scenes always so long?

Lovelock: Like you don't know.  More important is, who is this fucking guy they are focusing on?

[This movie is developing a side story now, even though the main story is barely developed.]

[...]

So the guy at the strip club is a Serial Killer who’s been killing strippers.  As he is about to kill another stripper in her apartment, Maniac Cop show up, throws the girl into a wall and saves the Serial Killer from the police.  Seriously, what the fuck, they become buddies and plan to kill together?

[...]

Lovelock: I feel like the theme from “Perfect Strangers” should start playing, at this point.

[...]

Then there is a flashback to how Maniac Cop died in prison, and for whatever reason, it just had to be in “stabbed while naked in the showers by some shirtless inmates”.  So we get plenty of Robert Z’Dar ass shots and some almost side peen.  Why did it have to be in the shower?  And why were the prison showers so dark, open and cavernous?

[...]

[The cops go around to some neighboring strip clubs to look for the guy.  They find him at the first strip club they go to.]

Starkwell: How convenient.

Lovelock: How did this guy manage to kill so many strippers and get away with it if he is so dumb?  FUuuUUCK the cops in this movie’s universe are inept.

[...]

Then Maniac Cop goes to the police station and kills basically everybody and frees his Serial Killer Buddy.  It’s a fair amount of bullet action and gore, but I still don’t really see what his end game is, other than killing everyone that potentially put him behind bars in the first place.  Also random people.

[...]

[Maniac Cop and Serial Killer steal a prison bus and break into prison… ?]

Starkwell: So, no one reported that the prison bus was stolen and that MAYBE the prison souldn’t let the bus in?

Lovelock: Remember what I said about the cops in this universe?

[So I guess he is going after the people that shower-shanked him in prison.]

[...]

After a pretty sweet fire stunt, Maniac Cop kills his killers and flies out the window down a bunch of flights into a bus, which then explodes.  It’s THE DEFINITION OF BLAZE OF GLORY.  The story may have lacked some imagination, and had a whole slew of useless bits, like the Serial Killer Guy (why was he even in this?), but man, the action and stunts were tight. Can’t wait to show them part 3.

7.10.14

Diary Of The Dead.

People like to crap all over the second Romero dead trilogy, but I honestly thought “Land of the Dead” was good.  There’s something comforting about a zombie film made by Romero.  It’s like listening to an old favorite band that is sort of phoning it in, but I mean, come on, they’re still fun.  Unfortunately, this usually is the beginning of the end for a band/director, and eventually they start sounding/looking like the people originally imitating them.  Like when Weezer starts sounding like a Weezer cover band.  Or when Romero makes “Diary of the Dead”, basically.  But at least at that point they haven’t totally gone off the fucking deep end, hit rock bottom, and made “Survival of the Dead”.  I'll save that complete fucking turd for another day… of the dead.

[...]

[Intro, FOUND FOOTAGE style.]

Starkwell: Proof that even the greats succumb to shitty fads.

Lovelock: So Romero saw "REC" and was like, hey didn’t I kind of make that?  No?  Okay, maybe I should?

[The acting looks like, well, it won’t be very good.]

Starkwell: “Land” had a decent cast, I guess this one… doesn’t?

[...]

Now we get the intro of the “FILM WITHIN A FILM” called “The Death of a Dream”…  Basically people were making horror film, and eventually zombies rolled in, and so they kept rolling.  AND THEN some annoying girl took all of this footage and edited together this “Death of a Dream” movie… about the outbreak.  So I guess the zombie outbreak ended and she had time to edit this, narrate it, add music and… show it to all of us?  I don’t get it.

[...]

[FIRST PERSON VIEW going through dark and scary empty dorms.]

Starkwell: Definitely has a video game kind of feel.

Lovelock: Complete with “First Resident Evil's live action scenes” level of acting and dialogue.

Starkwell: So who's the master of unlocking?

[Groan.]

[...]

Then the main girl Deb says she wants to go home to Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Then, rather than listening to the shit dialogue, Starkwell and Lovelock started talking about “The Office”.   The ‘gang’ are driving in some sort of RV.  They see their first zombies and run them over, pretty nonchalantly.  Then, after, they all freak out?

[...]

[They pull over, and the girl that was driving blows her own brains out.]

Starkwell: That seemed a bit… sudden.  Kind of an overreaction...

Lovelock: I don’t think ANYONE would react that severely, even if they were real people.

[They go to a hospital, because she still has a pulse.]

Lovelock: She can't drive, OR blow her own brains out?

Starkwell: So what they were driving along the highway and they just happened to be right next to a hospital, right as the driver shot herself in the face?

Lovelock: SWISS CHEESE PLOT.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock are really having problems with this one.  On the bright side, the zombies look great (one thing Romero always gets right), and there are some decent scares her in the hospital.  There are some CG effects in the mix and they aren’t great, though.

[...]

Starkwell: HOLY BALLS THE DIALOG IS BAD.

[...]

Romero is clearly trying to make a point that in this age of information, too many people are filming, there are eyes everywhere, no one is living, people want to see life filtered through a camera, through TV, and through BLABLABLA… to be honest he is FULLY beating his point to DEATH, unnecessarily so, and on top of that, it feels like he is trying to say more than one thing (?).  He could have focused more on action and building characters and been more subtle about his point(s).  We are the walking dead, yeah I get it.

[...]

[They meet a deaf Amish farmer and use his barn to fix their RV.]

Lovelock: Good thing the Dumb Blonde knows how to fix the… fuel line?

Starkwell: This is some gang they’ve put together.

[Zombies close in on them.]

Lovelock: He’s not doing a very good job at building tension.  I honestly don’t feel worried at all.

Starkwell: To be fair, that’s mostly because you don’t give a shit about the characters.

[...]

Then the Amish guy dies almost immediately, making him as pointless as all of the rest of the characters in this movie.  Then they meet some black dudes… ‘gangstas’ I guess.  THEN THEY SHOW MAIN CHARACTER JASON and THE NERD GUY EDITING THE MOVIE.  Scenes we’ve already seen.  The movie within the movie within the movie within the movie?  I don’t know how many levels down we’re diving.  But I’m pretty sure we’re swimming in the deep end.  Of a pool of shit.

[...]

[Zombie takes a bottle of hydrochloric acid to the head and it slowly melts.]

Lovelock: Probably sounded better on paper.  Because fucknuts that looked bad.

[...]

Really just feels like a movie written by an old out of touch guy.  I guess it was.  And by the way, the old professor in the gang has a fucking bow and arrow now.  The gang now goes to their rich friend’s house, but he’s gone crazy after killing his whole family after they done gone zombie.  It’s a super long and dragged out scene that doesn’t really go anywhere until he goes zombie too.

[...]

[Main character films zombie running after Blondie, and, doesn’t help her.]

Starkwell: This movie is dumb.

Lovelock: At least we got to see dem boobies.

[...]

Anyways, the main character dies and the movie ends, after some more cheesy dialog asking whether we, as a species, are worth saving. Ugh.  I'm surprised that Lovelock didn't say "diarrhea the dead' at some point... Seems like a missed opportunity.