Tokyo Zombie.

Based on a Manga comic of the same name, I guarantee that this will likely be one big incomprehensible pile of potential.  Whether or not this will go in the "awesome Japanese zombie movie" pile (Versus, Wild Zero…), or the "horrible the worst I hate it to death Japanese zombie movie" pile (Girls Swim Team, Stacy…) is entirely up to everyone's favorite "the Statler and Waldorf of zombie films".

[...]

[We are introduced to Fujio and Matsuo, factory workers, who train on their lunchbreak to be jiu-jitsu champs.]

Lovelock: I wish I could spar at work for fun.

Starkwell: Sure you do.

[They kill their boss and decide to dump him in Black Fuji, the mountain sized garbage dump out at the city limits.]

Lovelock: Sparring at work AND smacking their boss in the head with a fire extinguisher?  HEROES!

Starkwell: Yeah… this will end well.

[...]

In the next few minutes we see a flashback scene involving a young bare assed Fujio being spanked by a pedophile high school teacher, a shot of a person's head being kicked off of their body and flying into orbit, while still talking, and finally a bunch of zombies rising up out of Black Fuji and attacking people.  We also saw a zombie eating a dude's wang.

[...]

Starkwell: There have been more pedophile jokes and references than zombies so far.  Not exactly a promising start.

[...]

He's complaining, but they seem to both like the main characters quite a bit.  There is very little make-up for the zombies.   They basically just look like people with slightly gray faces.  Somehow it works though.  "Better that than crappy cheaply and incompetently produced Nintendo Pac-Man bullshit" says Lovelock.  Not entirely sure what that means, but I guess it's a compliment.

[...]

[Matsuo tells Fujio he has cancer, but has felt better since he started working at the factory and teaching Fujio the wonders of Jiu-Jitsu.]

Lovelock:  There should be a hundred movies starring these two guys, zombies or no zombies.  I would watch them all, all the time.

[...]

They meet a girl, but then Matsuo gets bitten.  He gives Fujio his Jiu-Jitsu robe and jumps out of the van.  As the girl and Matsuo run away from zombies, it fades to black.  Before any of us had a chance to be sad, we are treated to an animated montage explaining that Tokyo died over the course of the next few years.  Eventually there was a new society where the rich stayed alive, lived in huge towers and used the poor as their slaves and as zombie food.

[...]

[Fujio is a fighter in this new civilization that fights zombies in a ring to entertain rich elite older women.]

Lovelock: FUJIO!!!!!!

Starkwell: He learned from the best.

[...]

[Fujio returns home to the slums where he lives with the girl and their daughter (?), and talks to a Matsuo shrine he has built in his shantytown home.]

Lovelock: I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want him to be…

Starkwell: They're the best team ever.  Even if we only got like thirty minutes of them, they are the best.  Ever.

[...]

Fujio loses his next fight, without being bitten, but nonetheless his spirit is crushed.  A single tear can be seen running down Lovelock's cheek.  Then, it turns out that Zombie Matsuo has been found and recruited by the fighting association.  Fujio must fight his former master!  Lovelock nervous farted seven times in a row.  EDGE OF THEIR SEATS.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell resisted the temptation to make Vader-Obiwan references.

[...]

[Fujio and Matsuo fight with super slow Jiu-Jitsu for like five minutes.  Matsuo starts talking to him.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he's not a zombie?

Lovelock: Is the dream team back?

[Matsuo tells Fujio he needs to kill him and move on.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he is a zombie?

Lovelock: I don't know, man… I just want the ol' gang to get back together.

[...]

Then some random group of rebels show up and starts spraying all of the rich ladies with piss and shit out of a piss and shit mini-gun.  Fujio decides to fulfill his destiny by traveling to Russia with his family, to train and become a number one man.  And then all of the zombies are released and shit starts making even less sense.  Seriously though, when the main character(s) is cool like this… who really cares?  They set it up for a sequel, and also show us that Matsuo was never actually bitten by a zombie, because the zombie that bit him had dentures.  He still thinks he's a zombie though.  He chases after Fujio as he rides to Russia.  Holy Hell we all wish that they had gotten around to making that sequel.

The Dead and the Damned.

Starkwell and Lovelock have watched exactly two movies involving cowboys and zombies and have enjoyed exactly none of them.  Let’s see if this mockbuster (???? it’s alternate title was “Cowboys & Zombies” and I guess was released to coincide with “Cowboys & Aliens”) changes their opinion on ‘western’ zombie films.  Right now their opinion is “Fuck those movies”.

[...]

[Film opens with a WILD WEST shoot-out.]

Lovelock: Looks like it was filmed at ‘The Great Escape’ in Lake George.

Starkwell: I was thinking ‘Frontiertown’.

[...]

We don’t know why everyone is after this one guy (who I assume becomes the main character), but he is wiping the floor with the posse on his ass.  Apparently he is a bounty hunter, and he’s catching bad guys.  The choice of actor was pretty hilarious.  For a tough Wild West bounty hunter, he has the most nasal non-tough voice I have ever heard.  Just when he couldn’t get any more ridiculous, it cut to a shot of him uncomfortably riding a horse and Lovelock nearly shit himself laughing.  He stopped laughing once he realized that the scene went on FOREVER and basically served as a music video for a really shitty song.

[...]

[Girl gets naked, pervert watches from the bushes.]

Lovelock: Those are some mighty big and perky implants for them ol’ pioneer times.

Starkwell: The attention to detail in this film is shocking.

[...]

Seriously, no-budget crappy films should never try and make any kind of period piece.  Story wise, some random prospectors find some kind of slimy meteorite. The villagers decide to crack open the meteor, which gasses the whole village.  I’m guessing they will all become zombies.  “ABOUT FUCKING TIME”, chimed Lovelock.

[...]

[Bounty Hunter is hunting some Native, he finds him, and they fight in the desert.]

Starkwell: Gap khakis! The choice of most Native American Warriors!

Lovelock: They look more like maternity pants.

[...]

Oh, along the way, Bounty Hunter bought a woman, we’ll call her Blondie.  Meanwhile zombies start eating people.  A girl is running away from a zombie into the woods, obviously with her shirt wide open and her tits hanging out.  I think she was hired for her ACTING SKILLS.

[...]

[Blondie needs to wash the green zombie blood off, so she strips and washes in the river.]

Starkwell: I’m starting to see a trend here.  I think I get a sense of what the audition process was probably like.

[Blue faced zombie attacks Blondie.]

Lovelock: Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”?

Starkwell: Either that or Blue Man group are really struggling these days.

Lovelock: Is Blue Man Group still a thing?

[...]

The movie is already slow as molasses, but if you can believe it, it slows down even more.  The movie actually tries to develop the characters, and a relationship between Bounty Hunter and Maternity Pants Warrior.  None of it works, the dialogue sucks, and Lovelock and Starkwell are bored.

[...]

[Just passed the one hour mark.  Only about three zombies so far.]

Lovelock:  “Cowboys and Zombies”?  We’ve seen more boobies.  More like “Cowboys and Boobies”.

Starkwell: That was weak, even by your standards.

Lovelock: Sorry.  I got nothing left.  This shit is awful.

Starkwell: Anyways, the movie is actually called “The Dead and the Damned”.

Lovelock: More like “The Movie is Bland”.

[...]

The movie isn’t even able to have consistent zombie behavior.  The zombies in the woods were like something out of “28 Days Later”, but now Blondie is being chased by some kind of blind zombie girl with a melty “Toxic Avenger” face that crawls around the floor like a dog.  Obviously melty face's boobs are showing too.

[...]

[Bounty Hunter fights a bunch of zombies in an open area.]

Starkwell: Well, this is all very pointless.

[Bounty Hunter’s neck gets bitten.]

Lovelock: Just got more pointless.

[German Bounty Hunter who was in one scene earlier in the film, shows up and saves Blondie.]

Starkwell: That’s just lazy.

[I shit you not, they run away from the village with the zombies hot on their heels, and the film sets it up like there should/would/could be a sequel.]

Lovelock: Ballsy?

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The end.

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror.

Well, you all knew eventually I would get around to showing them “Burial Ground”.  I hope they’re ready.  Here’s a hint for you: THEY’RE NOT.  No one is ever really ready for “Burial Ground”.  It’s kind of like how no one is ever really ready to be punched in the scrotum.  Anyways, Starkwell and Lovelock are about to be punched in their collective scrotum.

[...]

[Day for night scene involving a dude with a huge beard exploring some ruins.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen that good, AKA BAD, of a day for night shot.

Lovelock: It’s been a while since I’ve seen that good, AKA AWESOME, of a beard.

[Beardy gets eaten inside the ruins.]

Lovelock: I like what this movie is saying, so far.

Starkwell: Might be the quietest zombies I’ve ever seen.  But not heard.

[...]

In the next few minutes we are introduced to the infamous MANBOY, a weird looking grown man playing a child.  It’s generally what this movie is remembered for.  Anyways, MANBOY walks in on his parents doing it, which only adds to his overall creepiness.

[...]

Lovelock: He looks like an old woman.

Starkwell: He looks older than his “parents”.

[...]

I think the film is about three couples, one of which has their MANBOY, that have gathered at some professor’s mansion.  I believe the professor is beardy that was eaten at the beginning.  The couples all seem mostly interested in having sex at various locations in and around the mansion.  Then zombies start showing up in and around the mansion as well.  Mostly interrupting people doing sex, mostly.

[...]

Starkwell: Is that zombie blind, or is it just that the actor can’t see while wearing that cheap rubber mask?

Lovelock: At least they’re killing people already, and there are lots of them.

Starkwell: They’re killing PERSON.  Only manboy’s father has been eaten so far.

Lovelock: Yeah, but he got eaten HARD.  Still, like I said, there are lots of them.

Starkwell: Yeah but, the film makers are not making ANY effort to have a story of any kind.

Lovelock: Unless people trying to do it and being interrupted by zombies counts as a story.

Starkwell: It most certainly does not.

[...]

So far, Lovelock loves it and Starkwell hates it.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen them this split on anything.  But at least Starkwell is sticking around, for now.  The gore looks bad and quite fake, but it is plentiful, which helps keep Lovelock on board.

[...]

Starkwell: These make the "Blind Dead" zombies look fast and rabid.

Lovelock: I KNOW!  Awesome, right?

Starkwell: Totally.  If you enjoy boredom.

[...]

[MANBOY tries to make out with his mom, fondle her breasts and touch her between the legs.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Did he just say he remembered sucking on her breasts as a baby?

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

Starkwell: Why did it take her so long to push him away?

[MANBOY runs away and is killed by a zombie.]

[...]

Professor McBeardy comes back as a machete wielding zombie and starts eating his butler.  With only ten minutes left, there is absolutely no sign that there will ever be an actual story of any kind.  Or an explanation of anything.

[...]

[They find an old church and go in, but then come across a bunch of Monk Zombies dressed like friar Tuck.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never go to church.

Starkwell: I think you’ve said that before.

Lovelock: There are always reasons not to go to church.

Starkwell: Fair enough.

[...]

Then zombie MANBOY shows up, and his mother hugs him and tells him to suck her breast like when he was a baby and starts moaning.  Like an orgasm moaning.  Then zombie MANBOY bites her nipple off.  Just as Starkwell got up to leave saying “FUCK THIS” everyone else died and the movie ended.  You have to give the movie credit for basically being nothing but zombie attacks from minute one to minute last.  But that’s as far as anyone should really go at giving this film credit of any kind.  Unless ‘oldest looking guy to ever play a young child that sucks on his mom's nipple’ is an award out there in movieland.  I don't think it is.

Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns.

Calling Masters of Horror a mixed bag isn’t really being fair to bags.  From what I’ve seen, it’s pretty much a mixed bag of shit.  “Homecoming” was great, but the rest have done little to impress Starkwell and Lovelock.  Let’s see how Carpenter’s entry “Cigarette Burns” fairs.

[...]

[Special effects by Greg Nicotero!  Starring the dude that plays Darryl on AMC’s hit show “Walking Dead”.]

Lovelock: This one already has a lot more promise than the others.

Starkwell: UDO KIER!!!!

[...]

The story is pretty nuts.  A semi-famous and reclusive director hires a theater owner, Kirby, to find a rare cursed magical film out there called “LA FIN ABSOLUE DU MONDE”, believed to be out of print and/or non-existent.  The one official screening on record caused the entire audience to go insane.  Anyone who talks about it, tries to find it, catches a frame of it, slowly goes bananas and starts seeing things.

[...]

Starkwell: Knowing what he already knows, why would you want to see the film or have anything to do with it?

Lovelock: The ‘Manos’ crew all went nuts and yet, Mystery Science Theater went after that one.

Starkwell: Fair enough.  But there’s a difference here, especially since he just saw some kind of demon that apparently came out of the film.

[...]

[Kirby starts researching the film, and having acid flashbacks of his dead girlfriend.]

Lovelock: Dude, TURN BACK NOW.

Starkwell: If he just spoke French, he may know that he is likely bringing forth the end of the world.

Lovelock: The absolute end.

[...]

Intrigued, entertained… Starkwell and Lovelock are FULLY GLUED to the screen.  It’s like a cool horrible private eye short.  It’s pretty sweet, to be honest.

[...]

[Kirby is drugged by French guys who are looking to make a snuff film STARRING Kirby.  They chop a woman’s head off right in front of him.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to France.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[Kirby blinks and suddenly he is free and apparently he murdered the Eurotrash with the machete.]

Lovelock: WHY DIDN’T THEY SHOW THAT.  Dammit.  Fucking dammit.

Starkwell: Darryl for the win.

[...]

[He meets the wife of the EVIL FILM’s director, who informs Kirby that SATAN produced the film.]

Lovelock: Produced by Satan… damn that’s metal.

Starkwell: I would love to hear the soundtrack.

[...]

So he gets the film and brings it back to the reclusive director.  Eventually Kirby goes back to the guy’s house to retrieve the film.  Asian butler greets Kirby at the door and then stabs himself in the eyes.  Kirby goes to find the director who is in the process of running his intestines through the movie projector.  Then Kirby blows his brains out and the demon from the film takes the reels and walks away.  Starkwell and Lovelock can’t figure out if they were more horrified by the film’s images, or by the fact that it made no sense.

Biophage.

I haven’t really heard much about the recently unleashed “Biophage”.  I know that it has a short running time, which, for the most part, Lovelock and Starkwell tend to appreciate.  Let’s see how this plays out.  Shot in glorious FULL SCREEN.

[...]

[Film opens with black and white picnic sex dream sequence, that ends with the booby girl biting the main character.]

Lovelock: Might be a new record for “SOONEST BOOBIES”.

Starkwell: Not entirely sure they should be proud of that.  Why’s it in black and white?

[...]

The film starts off and the outbreak is already in full effect.  We appear to be following some military types (a soldier and a doctor) as they do some kind of mission to the CDC, which actually looked like it was most likely one of the producers’ backyards.  Then they show the two of them walking alongside a railroad track and Lovelock falls asleep for a little while.

[...]

[They stop for dinner at a farmhouse.  The old farmer feeds them… PEOPLE.  Then there’s a gunfight.  Farmer dies.]

Starkwell: Arguably the worst gunfight I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: You know, the doctor loved the meat, but then he finds out its human and vomits?

Starkwell: Wouldn’t you?

[...]

Then they replay the booby dream and Starkwell is like “Yeah, because we didn’t get it the first time.”  I should mention, we’re already halfway through the movie.  Somehow, we’ve only seen one zombie, and yet we’ve seen that sex scene twice.  Eventually we see more zombies, and to be fair, they don’t look that bad.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course there’s a crazy Southern Reverend with an eyepatch.

Lovelock: Of course he has a sexy assistant.

Starkwell: Obviously sexy girl helps free them.

Lovelock: Yeah dude, sexy people CAN’T be bad.  Don't you know anything?

[Then they made fun of the acting for a while.]

[...]

[Horrible fight scene between doctor and soldier, girl dies by zombie, girl kills doctor.]

Starkwell: Was that the director’s way of being all “Guess what?  There’s no point.”

Lovelock: I don’t think he thought that far ahead.

[Soldier makes it to the lab, everyone’s dead.]

Lovelock: High tech lab, with the oldest computers ever.  Who still has those old-style monitors?  It's the size of a smart car.

Starkwell: And a map stapled on the wall?  It’s all very official looking.

[Soldier kills his zombie wife and starts crying, roll credits.]

Starkwell: What a story.

Lovelock: I bet the book was better.

Starkwell: There is no book.

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

This is another fine example of a relatively new and fully bad zombie movie, lending more credibility to Starkwell’s claim that the low budget zombie genre is as stale as Melba fucking toast, and basically died in the early nineties.  “Digital bullshit and iMac Nintendos killed good old fashioned backyard horror.”  His words, not mine.  Lovelock said “bad, but still watchable and, hey, at least it was short.”  What a review.

Dead Set.

There ain’t much that Starkwell and Lovelock hate more than reality television.  So the idea of a miniseries that both parodies reality show “Big Brother” and includes zombies sounds almost too good to be true.  It works so well on paper that they almost don’t want to watch it, fearing the inevitable disappointment.  But, they’re troopers, so they go forth and attack the two plus hours of zombie fare.

[...]

[We are introduced to the characters as well as the narrator who PERFECTLY imitates and mocks the Big Brother guy.  We also get to see the editors, behind the scenes.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or does this already look amazing?

Lovelock: It is not just you.

[Maybe I’ve been showing them too much crap lately, or maybe this does already show an awful lot of promise.  Plus the main producer character made a “Manchester Morgue” reference which was appreciated by both dudes, and myelf.]

[...]

So as the show producers work on Big Brother show and continue to film the flatmates, we are simultaneously treated to news footage that there is bizarre violence erupting throughout London.  It is EVICTION night at the Big Brother house and they are getting ready to go live.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at the studio, find the crowd of people there cheering for the show and THEN, much chaos, eating and madness ensue.]

Starkwell: ZOMBIES SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE!

Lovelock: This.  Fucking.  Rules.

[...]

As the outbreak absolutely explodes into the rest of the studio, the flatmates are, obviously, unaware of what’s going on right outside.  It’s so well done that not only is Starkwell fully alright with the running zombies, but he is absolutely speechless at how well the whole thing is written, directed, acted and shot.  Lovelock is basically doing cartwheels while singing along to the Mika song playing.  On top of the safe and secure contestants, there appear to be a couple of crew members still alive littered throughout the studio, including main character Kelly.

[...]

[Zombie in a wheelchair is unable to get up out of his chair.]

Starkwell: Not sure how I feel about that, dead can get up and walk… unless they were previously paralyzed?

Lovelock: No, actually it makes sense dude.   It’s not like if they lose a leg they can grow it back ET CETERA ET CETERA.

[Not often does Lovelock seemingly school Starkwell.]

[...]

Kelly finds her way into the house with the contestants and tries to explain to them what is going on out there.  They don’t believe her and think she’s just pulling their leg, until a zombie finds its way into the house and then, well, they dive head first into belief town.   And that’s how the first episode ends.

[...]

[Episode two starts with a ‘previously on’.]

Lovelock: Dude, we just watched that shit.

[So I fast forward… I won’t make that mistake again.]

[...]

On top of the Big Brother house and Kelly, we also are following Kelly’s boyfriend Riq and his adventures on the road with the rifle-bearing woman that he met up with.  This whole thing started off with the parody comedy angle, but very quickly went to horror and even a bit of drama, what with the whole WORLD IS ESSENTIALLY OVER thing and a soundtrack that may as well have been supplied by Mogwai at there most melancholic.

[...]

[Riq and Woman’s Jeep broke down, and Riq is trying to fix it.]

Lovelock: Fucking Jeeps man, so unreliable.

[Zombies show up and chase Riq and Woman (Alex) down the street in the dark and they come across a huge mansion.]

Starkwell: Jeeps - unreliable, this movie - SUPER reliable.

[Meanwhile one of the flatmates was bit and is starting to turn.]

[...]

Kelly and two of the flatmate dudes venture away from the house to try and get antibiotics for the recently bitten Sassy Black Woman of the house.  Riq at the mansion notices that they are still broadcasting live feed from the Big Brother House and starts watching.  While they are out, the bitten woman turns and bites the other contestant.

[...]

[They push the zombie woman into the hot tub, and she just sits there unable to move.]

Lovelock: Zombies can’t swim!  Man, if ever there’s an outbreak, I’m getting a fucking boat.

Starkwell: Good luck with that, you hate open water.

Lovelock: True, but not as much as I hate dying, or birds.

[...]

[We’re onto episode four, Riq now knows his girl is alive, and the flatmates have begun clearing the area enclosed within the studio gates.]

Starkwell: The nods to “Dawn” are a nice touch.

Lovelock: It’s all fine and dandy that Riq loves her, but she was banging that other dude that worked on the show.

Starkwell: Not many people left in the world… beggars can’t be choosers.

[...]

[Riq finds a boat and is going to sail on a river that apparently goes toward the back of the studio lot.]

Lovelock: Boat!  That’s what I’m taling about.

Starkwell: Wait, so now you want him to find her?

Lovelock: No.  He should just sail off into the zombieless sunset with Alex Gun Woman.

[...]

The main producer scumbag guy is still alive and finds his way back into the house along with the random bimbo girl.  And then they all start waxing philosophical about why this may be happening.   Terrorist attack?  Military experiment?  Act of God?  In other news, Alex dies along the river.

[...]

Lovelock: See, my boat plan only works if you never get out of the boat.

[...]

[Scumbag Producer chops up one of the dead people to throw some ‘bait’ to the zombies blocking the front gate.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

[Kelly is okay with the plan.]

Lovelock: I told you dude.  She is no good.  Riq deserves better.

[...]

[Riq makes it to the house, Kelly and Riq kiss and hug, Kelly tells him he stinks.]

Lovelock: If anyone stinks it’s her.  Of CHEATING.

Starkwell: Easy.

[...]

So, in the final episode, they end up tying up and gagging the scumbag producer guy, who then tries to turn the unpopular flatmate over to his darkside, and it works almost immediately.  Unpopular dude frees him and they take Kelly as a hostage and attempt to break free of the Big Brother House.  Of course, this backfires and a bunch of zombies get in and everyone starts getting eaten. 

[...]

Lovelock: MAAAAAYHEM!!!!!!

[Then he passed out from over excitement.]

[...]

Well, the world is fucking over.  And as always, we are the real cause for humanity’s demise.  And now we just sit and watch zombies on TV.